When You Think Nobody Will Ever Compare to Your Ex


So you are back to dating, yet you find yourself comparing or looking for someone like your ex.

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Nothing Compares To You

There is a reason why you feel nobody measures up to your ex.

You are not quite ready to date.

What is the solution you ask? Good question!

First of all it depends how long you have been single. The healing process timeline is different for everyone, but if you find yourself still rejecting everyone because he doesn’t look the way you want in the last thing you bought your ex, a Bee Gees concert t-shirt you bought back in 1983, we have an issue.

You need to read up on my Disengage and Let Go category because chickee he is not your man anymore so let it go! So this type of person has an assignment. Learning to let go, move on, bury the corpse…IT’S DEAD!

On the opposite side of the scale we have the newly divorcee that is trying to numb the pain with a man. For you, your assignment is to feel your pain. Allow yourself to grieve completely or else you will be dating on the rebound. There is no rush, relax and heal before moving on.

Then we have the kinda similar to the stuck in the past person. Ask yourself who do you miss? What you wish he was like or what he used to be like. I’m sure you were on your best behavior when you met him. Probably didn’t poop in the same house for months.  Guess what, so was he.

You need to remember reality like uh, you are not together. Uh, maybe he remarried. What is the truth of the situation? Well then time to get him off the pedestal and realize it’s over and maybe you are living in wish land.

Dating is harder for some especially if your mind is on the ex. Let it go and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED

What to do when you been betrayed

When your love betrays you, there is going to be a lot of sadness, anger, maybe even revenge seeking. Yes it is really hard, but sometimes there is nothing else to do or think about, it is time to move on.

Betrayal is some hard stuff to deal with. Are you making it harder on you instead of being proactive about getting over this horrible thing that happened?

What do we mean when I say betrayed:

  • Cheated on.  Make things worse it someone you knew like a friend or even relative.
  • Manipulated out of money, scammed for lack of a better word.
  • Stole from you.  Like a family heirloom

In other words he hurt you deeply.  So now what?

First of all, how long are you going to agonize over it? Oh and forget it if there was complete denial on their part. Do you find yourself gathering all your “evidence” to prove that he did do whatever he did, and try to put it together like you’re an attorney going to court. Stop the self-torture. If a man cannot assume responsibility for his actions you are spinning circles and that is just hurting you. This kind of man will lie that he is cheating even if you bust him while he is plowing her, if you know what I mean. Then top it off with yelling at you to shut the door, you are always trying to start a fight!

That is the kind of man I have attracted and boy nothing is more frustrating and then there is no closure. You would like an apology, an explanation redemption. But guess what, life isn’t fair and you may end up with this instead:

  1. Denial. Never happened, they don’t know what you are talking about.
  2. Never even takes responsibility for his own actions.
  3. What about the man who shows no remorse?
  4. Shift blamers. They feel justified and it is all on you.
  5. Make you out as a crazy nag that just wants to argue and you better stop or he will show you and leave you. Oh yeah, he is that wonderful.
  6. Or, my favorite, he disappears, maybe forever. Poof! Yeah I had one of those too.

So where is the closure if you are dealing with this kind of situations. You have to create it.

Forget, as they will say, confronting them with nagging because they have to admit their wrong doings. Maybe they are denying something they did and you are livid, how can he deny when you have the facts, and you need them to admit to it. You have questions damn it! When it is true, only reason you would need to ask him anything else is if you were not sure and needed confirmation from his mouth. You just have this feeling that some of your anger will go away if you can just prove to him that he can’t deny things anymore. You have your answer, that needs to be your closure.

You already spent too much time on a loser like that so it is time to move on and feel blessed you found out about what kind of person is and didn’t stay with him another year or decade. Move on girl! Do not allow it to consume you to the point where other areas of your life will be affected by you in this state. Your happiness, your other relations, family, friends, work, and let’s not forget we always need to play. In fact I would probably call this the most important time to remember to play and do fun things with others in your life.

Don’t allow yourself to get lost and ruminate in the problem trying to find a solution that you may never find. It is time to deal with the pain so you can let it go, yeah let it go. You don’t need to hold on to that pain so he knows your suffering either. The only one that this hurts is you, they care less.

 

I remind myself that I trust life will deal with “him”. If you are used, cheated on with no regard for your feelings, you may feel like you have to do something because they are not going to get away with what they did to you. Know that people who hurt people like that will see that they just keep having bad luck. This guy once betrayed the friendship part of our relationship. That really hurt me and it went through me because not only did he have no remorse, he shifted the blame trying to make me out as a nag, always wanting to argue. Now that I think about it, he always wonders why he just can’t get a break. Something good is happening and boom, it goes away, jobs are lost, cars are lost. That is the process I like to think of as Karma.

You are not in charge here when it comes to someone else’s behavior. You focus is on you and continue to be the best person in life. Take this as a lesson in learning to be more compassionate about people’s feelings because of this experience and what betrayal hurt feels like.

Most importantly, it is time to create your own happiness and give up that victim mentality. You can’t sit around and wait to heal either. It doesn’t come to us, we have to go out and pursue happiness and peace and serenity.

Happiness-is-always-a-choice.-You-can’t-wait-for-circumstances-to-get-better.-You-have-to-create-your-own-good-fortune.-So-look-for-ways-to-be-happy-every-day.

Accepting He Is Divorcing Me and Has Moved On

    My writing pretty much stopped because all that peppy, motivational talk I wrote about that was helping me and helping you…disappeared, I had nothing to give anymore.
    I found out that my ex was serious with another woman. Now I have written about thinking that he was seeing someone and it troubled me but I was a warrior and I was not going to let it get me down. So I thought.
    Things were going great. My ex and I were amicable for the kid’s sake and realized that because of our history we were not going to be enemies like other divorced couples. I would periodically stop off to see my pets at his house since he was the one that ended up with it and it was best for my two kitties and doggie that they stay there.
    So one day I went to my ex’s house to drop off food for my pets and “she” was sitting on the couch all dressed in a cute summer dress. “She” was his girlfriend, may I add that she was younger and pretty.

This woman stuck her hand out and I shook it, but I was not really sure who she was, what was she doing there. I walked to my son’s room and that is when he told me that this WAS his girlfriend.

    I can’t explain what I was thinking or feeling, I just felt like I had to leave fast. I ran out the back door and drove away. I was halfway home when I had to pull over because I my crying became uncontrollable. What was happening? I had this divorce thing down pat, so I thought. I was able to handle anything life threw at me, so I thought.
    I called my son and I wanted to know if she was still there. I was going to head back over there and…I don’t know what, but I needed to face her. My son informed me that she had left home.
After a good half hour, I drove home. The rest of the night was a whirlwind, my kids worrying, my ex calling saying he is doing nothing wrong we are not together…Nothing made sense. My husband of 28 years had moved on and made it clear he did not love me and it was never going to work between us anyways.
    Shortly after that my daughter moved out of our apartment to live with her boyfriend. Working two jobs to keep our place became too much because I was depressed and angry so I moved to a rental behind a family. My place used to be a garage but they fixed it up really nice but it had no kitchen and in my head I could not get past that I lived in a garage, while he was buying a house. A house I used to live in and now this other woman was there. He had someone, and I was alone, I had nobody. I threw up my arms in defeat and even declared to myself, “You see, I knew I would end up alone!” I had already written the last chapter of how my life would end and closed the book. I isolated and lay around licking my wounds.
    This was why I stopped writing my motivational blogs. This was beyond my understanding. It used to be that I met a problem and just writing it out helped me to find solutions. This was different, or so I thought.
    Have you met this feeling? Has your husband or wife moved on and it is hitting you real hard that maybe just maybe, THIS MAY BE THE REAL END OF YOUR MARRIAGE. Sure we go through the motions, I want a divorce, you move apart, stay away…blah blah blah. But are you like me, and in the back of your head you kind of, sort of still think that maybe in the future you will get back together?
This is what we call needing to accept reality. As I had in the past, I picked myself up and started a game plan. “Operation Acceptance”.
Situation: I felt humiliated, rejected, depressed because my husband dumped me and got a new young, woman and they were probably having sex with that hussy in the room we used to sleep in…Ugh…Ok enough of that. This was about healing not allowing resentment to grow. Maybe she is a nice hussy, I don’t know.
    I had to get control of myself again and this is only going to happen if I accept he moved on.
Here are six steps to feeling yourself again:
    • Grieve: I know I did enough of it, but if you are going through this you have to allow yourself to feel those feelings of hurt, anger, sadness. I was really depressed and if there ever becomes a point where you feel stuck in this depression, it is ok to seek professional help. It is so important to be able to use grief to heal and to come to the other side stronger and compassionate. So if that anger and depression becomes a trap. Do yourself a favor and reach out. We all just want to be happy again.
    • Realize: This is reality, I had to grasp that I was no longer his wife and he is his own person. People move on and isn’t that what I want for myself so why was I chastising him as a horrible human being. I know it is hard, but can you wrap your mind around that maybe just maybe you two were not supposed to be together and this other “woman” (notice I didn’t say hussy..ha! growth)is actually doing for you what you could not do for yourself. For me this was, she was my green light to go ahead with my life and stop worrying about what he is doing.
    • Have Patience: I promise this hurt will not last forever. Trust the process of life, happiness, sadness, tragedy, victory. Life throws so much at us but we all have the strength to overcome.
    • Forgive: Uh-oh. You are not going to like this part because it was so hard for me, but it was do-able. You have to learn to forgive that man you used to married to and yup, that woman he is doing too. Yuck, it was hard, it is hard. It is a process but little by ever so little, I am not forgetting, I am forgiving that this was about him trying to be happy and not about trying to hurt me. Even if it feels that way, stop your thinking. We are all here on this Earth to make ourselves happy first. Saying prayers, writing letters to him that never get sent, doing affirmations. There are many ways to work on forgiveness all you have to do is research.
    • Accept: You are now in a place where you can understand what happened to you more clearly. Maybe your narcissistic husband or boyfriend did not truly love you. Acceptance is necessary, and at some point, you need not fight the past. It means seeing things clearly.

    Remember you are forgiving for yourself, not for him. You never have to say the words to him. You are doing it as a healing practice so you can live and be happy again.
I just came back from a trip to Cancun with the girlfriends then camping with my kids. I need to always remember that I am in control of my happiness and it is none of my business anymore what he is doing, we are no longer together.

“One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, is to forgive.”
–Maya Angelou

A Mother to My Soul Mates

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Have you ever thought you have searched in the wrong place for your Soul Mate or as my daughter said and my jaw dropped..Kindred Spirit?

It isn’t always someone who has to put his “you know what” in your “you know what” or lay down at night with or even someone to look deep into your eyes into on Valentines Days over a candlelight dinner.

As I spoke to my daughter last night I realized I had never had to play any games with my love for her with her nor my son. I could tell her my heart feels like it could burst from the love it has for her. There are no dumb rules I have to follow with my love for my kids, don’t show my love or they are going to run for the hills.  Be careful with the “L” word.  Oh my God, the more you tell your children that you love them, the sweeter your relationship feels, at least mine does.  

You know we have issues when the book industry on how to make a man love us is a multi-million dollar industry.  Yeah there are plenty books on how to show love to your kids or how to make your kids how to respect you but lets compare which section waaaay over powers the other.

I am told that your children can be your kindred spirits or soul mates, I feel it is confirmed with me. It makes so much sense from the intense burst of love I feel when I think of them or when they are approaching them or when I see them.

I quit my 2nd job because I need to be there on Friday night when they play softball and I am practically flying in the air as my girl caught TWO!!! TWOOOO!!! FLY BALLS!!!

Guess what I prayed to God… I thanked him for bringing my ex into my life so that he could give me these two wonderful souls.  This person that I could not even think about in the past without wanting to jump on a horse with a steel armor suit and a sword and charge him piercing straight in the…. well you get my drift.  Thank you God because his love is … was a gift that gave me my soul mates.

I wouldn’t be experiencing this wisdom if I were not single…

Having an epiphany…

COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!

 

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COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!

In my life I have learned that you cannot make someone feel what you want them to feel for you.  I have also learned that when you don’t seem to get the message they can get mean and inhumane about you pursuing them.  Move on girls.  When they don’t want you they don’t want you.  Damn it hurts, but we have to cut that tie.  Just like that old cliche’ goes. They are just not into us anymore…

I used to wonder why was I given such a horrible man who causes me so much pain.  I am such a good loving wife.  I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.  No one will love him like I do, why does he hurt me so.  I endured this pain for 29 years and I am not going to lie, I still struggle with the thought of losing him.  I fight with thinking he is the most horrible man on the Earth for not treating me like a queen for loving him so much and treating me so bad and being with another woman now.  Really?

What if a man, any man, is placed in front of me and I am told, “Love this man!  Adore him!  Cherish the ground he walks on!”  And I look at this guy and I feel nothing, I mean really it is not my fault, I try but the sparks are just not there.  Is it my fault that I cannot put my arms around this dude and stick my tongue in his ear?  Ewwww, of course not.

It is in a way the same as someone who falls out of love.  It happens through no fault of their own, but all of a sudden they just don’t feel that spark so if you put yourself in their shoes, yikes, that is a lot of pressure.  I know, I know we don’t have a lot of sympathy for the other party and you are thinking who’s side am I on…yours of course.  I am just saying.

Why are we put through so much pain?  We feel like it is so unfair, we feel like we are the good innocent ones and he is the one that gets away with it, maybe he got the young pretty girl and he is the one that is walking around treating us like an asshole and we are the one sitting at home broken up in tears.  How is life so unfair.

My breakup to me was like going to hell and back and no I am not going to say the pain was a gift, but I am using the lesson of the pain as a gift because it has taught me the lesson of compassion.   Some people’s heart becomes bitter and hard with pain.  They themselves become hardened.  These are the people who I pray for because they feel they are winners, no one will ever hurt them again.  I, may probably be hurt again and it will be just as painful and it scares me but that can’t be my focus.  My focus is that I have become a better person towards not being a person that hurts people.  I am hypersensitive to people’s feelings.  My loving heart has grown.  I feel more than I felt before.

But most importantly if I were ever to get into a relationship and it occurred to me that I just did not feel for that person anymore.  I would not be that person that rubs a new person in their face.  I would be ultra compassionate because I am not so sick of them that I am just trying rid of them… no-no they are a human being going through pain like I remember going through and they need compassion…

I have come to understand why we have pain in our life.  I understand why those who have traveled the journey of pain and come out with a soft heart are one of the most beautiful souls on this Earth.  They have learned the true gift of compassion because it isn’t just a word from a dictionary to them.  They feel it from their very soul.  You realize that empathy is a powerful tool to help someone and console and lift someone up while sympathy can sometimes be an outsider looking in.

Today I am realizing that I needed that pain to learn what I know to today, and that is what I needed to grow where I am today.  I am a much more person too.  I have a courage I didn’t have before. I could never fathom the thought of being on my own and living by myself.  I would have been back at my mothers.  I don’t know what happened to me that I became such a co-dependant person.  I thought that because I left home at 17 I grew up fast but my husband became like a parent to me and I let him control me. If his word was the law, how was I independent.  Obviously  I am not that same person, and I didn’t realize that the wrong person, my husband, was teaching me the right lesson about life with the pain he put me through…indirectly…I thank you…and this will help me to forgive you.  And that  will help set me free….

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

god is till working on me

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

To the single women out there, are you like me and your focus is where are all the single men.  Are you thinking you know what will make you whole again…a real nice man?  Really?  I am laying here thinking so very different little by little every day.  Don’t get me wrong I backslide a lot.  That loneliness is a mo fo.  Sitting in an apartment alone, is a mutha!  I get up off the couch… I go to the refridgerator… I look then, I close it… I walk in my bedroom and look in there…what am I looking for.  I go in the bathroom, do I need to go?  Not really.  What the hell I will go just a little just for something to do.  I have bought crafts that sit in the bag.  I leave and go get food and there it sits in the fridge because I really wasn’t hungry.

I don’t know what to do with myself because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself.  But I picked up a book and started reading and started looking within and thought, do I really feel ready for a relationship?   I am bothered, it isn’t just about having someone to entertain me anymore, it is deeper than that.  There is something deep inside of me that is trying to tell me something about me.  Like a purpose maybe.  Like men need to not take my focus now.  But I won’t be able to truly grasp what it is because I am so focused on loneliness and whining that I can’t focus on this deeper meaning that I am supposed to be working on myself.  We all have a calling or purpose in this life.  Love is wonderful, romance is beautiful.  There is a reason a man has not shown up in my life now and I need to become aware of that and accept that as a part of a plan not a curse.  Men are not our universe, they are yummy frosting on the cake but they are not the cake…I need to focus on the cake…and so let me start working on finding what ingredients I need for my cake. Why am I looking for frosting when I don’t even have cake yet??? Right now  God is still working on me now…  and if I really get my stuff together…I may even be able to put a cherry on top…woo hoo bet that will be real yummy!!!

THROW THE PAST AWAY

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Throw the Past Away

“I made the decision to move to a smaller place…much smaller”, let me repeat the most important part, “I made the decision…”  I am no longer a child.  Mother no longer tells me when to go to bed, what to eat, or where to live.  My daughter moved out of our two bedroom apartment and I found myself paying a lot of money for an apartment that I found myself just sleeping in.  It felt like I was throwing money in the wind.

So why is it that packing is such torment to me.  I start and watch television or pick up my Face Book or do something unnecessary.  I actually sat there and read an article on how to pack.  Come on Catalina, just stop thinking and do it!  Nobody can help me because nobody knows what I want to keep, give away or toss, the part of sorting belongs to me.  When it comes to moving will be when I need the help.

Guess what.  I found out something about myself.  I have accumulated a lot of nothing, of knick-knacks that were useful for one time.  Pink beads that I was going to blind a sweater with, I don’t even own a pink sweater.  Lots and lots and lots of Valentine day ribbon, Ok I have ribbons for the next 20 Valentine days.  Gee I have been single for 2 ½ years so far, this may last me a long time.

Could this move have been a unconscious plan that was necessary, because I was starting to live in clutter.  I am a shopaholic and will buy the silliest things. I spent $100 on Halloween decorations for my desk and now have 3 huge bins and need to find a place to store them and I have to downsize and supposed to be saving money.  What is wrong with me.

This move is a higher calling.  I am torn, I am emotional but this is necessary for me.  During this process I will be looking at my belongings and realize item by item…is this necessary in your life or is this something from your past that you need to let go because it has lost its purpose.  Let the past go.  Earrings that someone gave me that have no match that I can not wear ever but I hold on because why.  Why am I holding on to it.  I don’t know.  A bottle of champagne from my anniversary 8 years ago that my husband and I went to the Madonna in and my husband slept the time and neither of us drink.  We are no longer together.  Why am I holding on to this.  Do I hold on to pictures of he and I together:?  I don’t know.  I don’t know how to do any of this.  Am I a hoarder?  I know you can walk through my house and it isn’t a path you need a compass with and you don’t need giant bins to clear it out and there isn’t feces everywhere.

But this hurts to let go part of me as trivial as it sounds, what does this mean, I don’t know.  It means that this is a journey I was meant to have.  Out with the old.  Let go of it.  The past is the past and that one earring means nothing and that bottle of champagne does nothing but remind me of what a horrible anniversary I had.  It is time to throw out all those bad memories and start afresh.  Is that why I am finding dimes Oh Lord?  I am on the right path aren’t I?  Ok I will stop fighting this move and see this as a positive thing.  Today will be a productive day and tossing doesn’t mean tossing my soul, it is making room for much more experiences…  Tah Dah…  Marvelous how we can turn things around in our head just like that if we try!!!  Have a blessed day!!