Did You Say Maybe It’s A Good Thing He Broke My Heart?

Free Me From My Pain

Free Me From My Pain

Yes I did and I mean it. You know that sweet heart of yours that somebody just stomped on and kicked around and it just hurts so bad because of what you went through? I am going to show you that you can turn that pain into a positive thing…YES YOU HEARD RIGHT, I SAID TURN YOUR HURT TO A POSITIVE HURT!

Let me let you in on something. I am writing this for your, and for me. Yup, I was just used in the worst way by somebody that was supposedly my best friend for over three years and I said ok I will date him and bam. Him knowing I have rejection and trust issues because of how badly I was abused by my husband for 25 years, what happens, I find out that he was just using me for money and sex. Obviously I was not even a friend because do you hurt somebody like that when they are your best friend for so many years?

So ask me how I feel right now. Why thank you for caring, I feel like there is something wrong with me and I am unloveable. My husband told me our whole marriage that I was going to end up alone, and now he is dating someone he really likes who is young and pretty and I made peace with it, but darn.

So are you with me? Are we going to analyze this thing we are going through and turn it into a positive? Say yes, say yes…

Ok if you are on this paragraph you must of said yes. Cool. This is my belief, not belief it is a proven fact. When we go through hardships and pain and trauma we can do one of two things.

1. Resonate with that pain and allow ourselves to become a more compassionate loving person because we don’t want to hurt people. We know what it feels like to hurt. We become wiser from learning all this.

2. Or we can become bitter, anti-men, thinking all men are the same. Maybe become depressed and see life in a negative way from here on in.

Which one sounds better?

So where is the lesson in all this. Let’s use me for instance.

I knew this guy was a flake. Am I going to learn from my mistake or am I going to repeat it and go after more flakes. Maybe I should screen better and be more selective. With all this we definitely get wiser. This is my theory. My husband was not good to me, he abused me, verbally and physically and I was the one who begged him not to leave me. Who does that? someone that obviously doesn’t love themselves.

So maybe after him I should have taken time off men and worked me and learning to love Catalina. Nope, I ended up with some other guy that didn’t want commitment and how did I feel about myself when this guy thinks I am good enough to be a girlfriend but no no we are not talking about futures. He ended up leaving me.

So now did I learn that I needed to take a break and work on me, hell no, I ended up with this last guy. I figured God said. You know this girl is not learning her lesson so let me get someone that really really hurts her. This one is going to be a doozy and maybe then she will realize if she doesn’t work on her self worth, she is going to continue to accept men that treat her like shit.

So my assignment now is I have vented, I have cried, boy have I cried. Then I will start with my affirmations that I am going to start doing every day. I am reading Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. Because I need to do some heavy forgiveness work, not for him, for me. Then I need to start this journey of healing and working on my self-worth.

This chick is going to have some real high standards when she looks for her next man in say, 5 years.

So in a nutshell:
a. What went wrong in my relationship. Was it maybe a blessing in disguise?
b. What could I learn from it?
c. I promise to be more loving and compassionate.
d. I allowed myself to grieve.
e. I vented and vomited all my feelings out.
f. I will do forgiveness work (I have a chapter on it)
g. I will practice self affirmations about loving myself.
h. I think I will treat myself to something nice today! An ice cream.

Are You Allowing Your Pain and Anger to Harm You and Your Family?

Are you having a booger of a time dealing with this divorce?  Does your life seem to be falling apart and you feel like you are dying of a broken heart or maybe you feel so angry you could bite through a bullet.    .

Time to Woman Up With this Divorce

I know, I know, the last thing you want to do is pretend your are strong if you feel sad and weak and you just can’t stand that cliché’, “fake it till you make it!”

The truth is that behaving negatively is bad for your health, your mental health and especially if you have children.  It affects your job, and even future relationships.  Don’t you want to deal with your emotions so you could figure all this is for the best so you can start living a healthy life leading to happiness.

Deal With Your Divorce Stress With Dignity And Strength

You can become your worst enemy because if you are behaving negatively, How will you ever come out of this a stronger woman.

Control your negative emotions from yourself and your children.

When I say control, I don’t mean mask it or pretend it isn’t there.  You must allow yourself to go through the pain and feel every bit of it.  You must process it to come out of the other end.

Going through a divorce, or even separations and break-ups can be devastating. It is a like mourning the death of your husband, only he is alive and shacking up with another woman.  Yeah that sure does hurt.

If you are angry and full of resentment, you have to identify the pain that is fueling that anger and work on that.  You heard of the stages of grief.  They are now saying that they don’t come in any particular order.  You may feel anger first until you realize the truth and then get depressed.  What matters is looking for articles, advice on healing.

What Are Issues That Could Flare Up Negative and Destructive Emotions

  • Spouses own temper tantrums he brings to you.  You have to realize this is not about fighting fire with fire.  If he is fire, you need to be water and not gasoline.
  • Research mind, body and soul healing.  What this means is that you have to take care of yourself now.  Eat the right foods, don’t drink too much, exercise. Whatever is your belief source, now is probably the best time to get in touch with your faith.
  • Take good care of your job.  We all have had those times when we are going through something and work is so hard because your mind wanders.  But your job is your source of income and you want to remember you may be the sole breadwinner now.
  • Take good care of your kids.  This is very tough on them and it is imperative that you are not a jealous, information seeking, pitiful look at how sad I am a type of mom.  They are your priority so you need to woman-up around your children.
  • The last is realize that just because Karen Gail Grubb from across the street dealt with her divorce great.  As a matter of fact they are friends and they both get their new spouses and they all go to Olive Garden for “All You Can Eat spaghetti” on Tuesday.  So what!  Do not compare yourself to anyone because everyone heals different.  There is no time watch on grief. But at the same time you don’t want to live in our wallow either.

Well that is it for now.  If you can think of anything more, please send me a comment.

Happy Healing

When Your Family Can’t Let Your Ex Go

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It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids. My children are adults and I find no need to have to see him like if he were picking them up for visitation. So for me this is a blessing.

The Problem:

My kids want their father to be part of my family gatherings. What is worse is that my family also miss him and want him to be around. Everyone feels sorry for him because the only family he had is my family. His mother, father and brother died within the last 5 years.
Trying to Compromise

At the beginning, I agreed to invite my ex to Thanksgiving at my mother’s because my daughter broke down in tears. She felt bad that her father did not have his mother for the holidays. Fine! I let him come, but I was not happy at all.

When my dear friend’s daughter passed on, my daughter got upset because I did not want him there. Why would he want to go? He had went out with us a few times, but that this was my personal friend. But fine! I was really trying hard not to be the bitter scorned ex-wife, so I said o.k. My friends were cordial to him but asked me after, why would he show his face. They did not like him because of the way he dumped me.

Ironically another friend of mine passed away a few months later. This friend was his friend before mine so when I asked if he were going he said, “She wasn’t really my friend.” Hello! He knew this friend for over 25 years so what was the real reason he HAD to go to MY circle of friends?

Then my sister wanted him there for her baby shower when she was having her first baby. She said he was the only male figure growing up and really wanted him there. I was dealing with bad depression because I could not seem to get over him. I was mad at how he rejected me. But what really got to me was that my family didn’t seem to care how I was feeling, they missed him and felt it was time for me to get over it so he could be part of the family again.

The Situation Makes No Sense To Me!:

In the past it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to my family functions. Now that he dumped me, now he wanted to hang out all the time? I said he could come but the whole time at the baby shower I had this void in the pit of my stomach and was so close to tears the whole time. I did not enjoy my own sisters baby shower because all I could think about was he was paying no attention to me. My family sat round him like he was a celebrity.

Now he has a girlfriend and my family expects me to get over it already so he could be part of the activities. Right after I found out he had moved on I missed Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house because I knew he was going to be there.  I made it clear that it was him or me, my sister-in-law made it clear that he was invited and I was being immature.

Any Advice Out There?
So I ask to everyone out there, is there anyone else going through this? I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but I don’t want to have any relationship with him anymore! I can understand when my kids get married or have kids, then of course I would not say I don’t want him there, but this is my family.

My Decision:

After many arguments with my children and my family and expressing that it hurts me to be around him, I surrender. I told my family that I am tired of being the bad guy, so I am pulling away and he could be there in my place. My daughter called me selfish.

So he decides to sever ties with me and move on and I am supposed to accept him with open arms or I am selfish. I am sorry I don’t have to accept someone who rejected me and be chummy with him.

 

Maybe in time but maybe I don’t ever have to be his friend and I will be damned if I am going to be miserable during my family gatherings so “he” won’t be lonely without a family. My thing is he should go with his girlfriend’s family and get close to them since that is who he chooses. He cares nothing about me so why would I care about him?

My family has no regard for my feelings. So my focus is going to be on me and doing what keeps me happy obviously my ex could care less about my feelings so it is not my job to let him screw around with other women and then come play house with my family. And if my family feels it is o.k., then obviously my family cares more about his feelings than mine so this is why I am deciding to pull away from my family.

This is a miserably sad time for me, but what else can I do.

I WILL SEND NO MORE NEGATIVE VIBES TO HIM

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I wish when he gets up early in the morning half asleep, he bumps his baby toe into the corner of the wall and cracks the nail right in half so hard it has him bouncing around cussing every “F”, “B” word in the book!  Now that is the nicest thing I wish would happen to my ex. Honey a scorned woman is not to be messed with because we get pretty mad and our thoughts can get pretty wild.  Not to mention when someone mentions his name I am real quick to throw in a few colorful “screw hims” and what not.

Then there are the days where I sit and can pull myself into a deep pond of loathe just thinking how he did me wrong.  I know many can relate especially the ones who are betrayed.

My head becomes a popcorn machine popping new negative thoughts.  I may call a friend to vent or sit there simmering but the thing is I am producing this negative energy within my body and making no attempt to stop it.  I let the popcorn continue to pop and pop, more negative thoughts about him.  My anger increases, or sadness develops,resentments builds.

Physically what is that negative energy doing to my body?  For one thing creating stress that affects my heart, my skin…yes ladies we age when we worry instead of being happy, our immunity, the list goes on and on.  So how do we stop it.  You said it, STOP IT!!!  Get up and do something to distract yourself.  It isn’t that simple but it is worth a try isn’t it?  Fight it.

In the end it is about ending up happy.  It seems like we can never find that again but we will get there.  Step one.  Control those negative thoughts.  Abolish them because it affects mind-body and soul!

My promise to myself.  From this day forward, I will not speak or think ill of my ex.  Think I am crazy…I am being so serious.  You think it is doing him any harm me over here brooding over him having a new girlfriends and a big house while I sit alone in an apartment?  Do you think it affects him while I curse him out in my head and lay on my couch depressed?  Hell no!  The only one it is hurting is me.  He is over there getting his groove on and living his life.

I am not saying I am going to go seek out men and start bringing them in because Lord knows that is not what I want, but I need to stop living in my head.  My friend says bless your enemies, I am going to do that.  Good luck David with your new girl, it is not easy saying that but if I wish you well then maybe good will also happen for me and I need to go my way and start living.  I will work on forgiving you.

I may need to take a few deep breaths because that was not easy to say or even type but I will go to sleep now and sleep on it with a bit of a heavy chest but hopefully each day it will be easier to say.  Each day I will release this negative monster that is residing in my body and hopefully he will leave this precious body of mine and leave my happy little self.

BECOMING FRIENDS WITH MY EX AGAIN

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What does it mean that I miss you

I don’t want you back

I don’t want you as mine

 

But I miss you to talk to

And the exchange of our words

 

A funny thing happened

So I picked up the phone

 

Then I remembered I hated you

And put down the phone

 

You moved on and I was bitter

But not because it should be me

 

Why am I bitter then

This is just a whole mess

 

So I picked up the phone

Till I heard you answer hello

I said I miss you my friend

Why can’t we be friends

 

All along he was thinking

The same thing as me

 

We chatted for quite a bit

About this and a little of that

 

I laughed and I listened

Not to my husband or my love

but the father of my kids

 

Just as it was promised

If I forgave and prayed

My heart would be free

And so it is and so it is…

 

Freedom from anger

Freedom from pain

 

Now free to be friends

What a gift to my children!

LEARNING TO EAT ALONE

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Learning to Eat Alone

I was extra hungry tonight. What a crazy day, it was so crazy I missed lunch, for me that is CRAZY because me missing a meal? Yeah right. Nobody is going to believe that.

I grew up in a big Latin family and cooking is in my blood and it was always a feast. If someone stopped by, sit your butt down you are going to eat and walk out stuffed but always satisfied. Cooking is an emotional thing for me, it is done with love for those you love. Nobody should ever feel hunger. I cook with my heart. That was the one thing when my husband and I separated, he told my kids that without my cooking the house did not seem like a home anymore. That’s right, mama in the kitchen does give a sense of home doesn’t it.

Well now I live by myself. Now what! Am I really going to chop and dice and braise and sauté and fry and roast and steam and and….well you get my drift. Then there is the shopping, the putting things away, the dishes. For just me? NOT! Why go through all that trouble for just me? If my kids come over, that is a different story, but not just for myself.
I started having a bowl of cereal, it was quick and low calorie. There were no dishes, it was inexpensive and helped me keep my girlish figure. Breakfast became PB&J’s and I ate lunch at work. I became a creature of habit.

Well tonight I did something I never did, I LOOKED IN THE FREEZER! I found some beautiful salmon and some red potatoes, green beans and fixings for a salad. I prepared myself a wonderful dinner and DAMN it was good. I realized that this was the first time I made myself dinner for myself since I separated from my husband.

No I refuse to get in the habit of making myself dinner. I am sticking to my cereal and PB& J’s. Today was a treat and maybe I will treat myself every now and then but like I said it saves me money, a mess and time. But I just thought I would share, what a trip…

Then came the realization that you were always taught that there is meal time at the family table.  Shut off the television, gather the children, ask the them how their day went.  This is fundamental.  Well, do I put my teddy bear at the chair and put a plate in front of him and make talk to him.  Maybe I could skype and talk to someone as I eat.  Instead I have two t.v. trays, one for my laptop, one holds my food  and my fav shows are on television. Breakfast with Maury at 3 am and Fox News 4-5.  Rush home do some quick chores and pour put the cereal in the bowl but don’t add the milk and ice cubes until Big Bang Theory starts.  Oh how I love Sheldon…Are you out there Sheldon?  I love you..Please marry me.  I know you are gay, I promise I will be gentle!!

But I will tell you something, what a great feeling to not have to wonder every day after work, gee what do I make for dinner, or darn I need to stop at the market. I don’t need to rush home to prepare dinner either if I don’t want to. I get to go home if I want to and just curl up on the couch and grab my cereal and watch tv and not do anything if I don’t wanna, but if I do wanna extra treat like tonight, then I am going to cook me something. It will be my choice and my choice only. If I don’t wanna…then I’m not!

So as I sit here having breakfast with Maury, I look count the hours till Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and I shall have dinner together tonight…ohhhh I can hardly wait!!!

Ladies let me assure you, this is not every night.  I go to good ol’ mama’s for dinner, I meet up with friends for dinner, I invite my kids over for dinner where I cook up a storm or I meet my kids for dinner.  So fear not, I am not turning into a crazy hermit, this is about finding peace with the most important person you will spend time with…yourself.  Bon Apetit!!!

 

Tranquility Pools

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Tranquility Pools

What is this I feel in my heart
What is this I feel in my soul

The thrashing of the oceans have stopped
The crushing of waves against the cliffs have ceased

All this I carried within every part of me
Developed by pain, anger, resentment

At times the tides were so high twisting and turning
The great waters pulled me under with such force

Like what I carried inside me , it barely let me breath
As soon as I thought I conquered one trial
Another wave of tribulations came crushing over me

Sucking me under as I fought to regain my step
And I fought to regain my step and I fought to regain my step

And then as I turned the side of the cliff
The foam of the water turn crystal blue like glass

So still, so peaceful, so tranquil was this lagoon
My thighs still trembled from fighting the waves

So I layed back and allowed the drift bring me safely to shore
As the water cascaded rubbed against me so soft like a human hand
The gentle rocking of the water so close to a lullaby

Is this my reward?
This stillness of my mind?
the peace in my heart?
this wondrous feeling?

I don’t want to feel the anguish of the stormy waters anymore
I am done being angry and resentful and bitter and sad

But only I can take myself to the beautiful place of serenity, peace and joy.
It is my decision and it is pushing myself through the pain.

But it is hard, and it takes time
and at times you want to just want to give in
but just know if you keep getting up

It is true paradise….