Tag Archive | Anger

When Your Family Can’t Let Your Ex Go

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It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids.

The Problem:

My kids want their father to be part of my family gatherings. What is worse is that my family also miss him and want him to be around. Everyone feels sorry for him because the only family he had is my family. His mother, father and brother died within the last 5 years.
Trying to Compromise

At the beginning, I agreed to invite my ex to Thanksgiving at my mother’s because my daughter broke down in tears. She felt bad that her father did not have his mother for the holidays. Fine! I let him come, but I was not happy at all.

When my dear friend’s daughter passed on, my daughter got upset because I did not want him there. Why would he want to go? He had went out with us a few times, but that this was my personal friend. But fine! I was really trying hard not to be the bitter scorned ex-wife, so I said o.k. My friends were cordial to him but asked me after, why would he show his face. They did not like him because of the way he dumped me.

Ironically another friend of mine passed away a few months later. This friend was his friend before mine so when I asked if he were going he said, “She wasn’t really my friend.” Hello! He knew this friend for over 25 years so what was the real reason he HAD to go to MY circle of friends?

Then my sister wanted him there for her baby shower when she was having her first baby. She said he was the only male figure growing up and really wanted him there. I was dealing with bad depression because I could not seem to get over him. I was mad at how he rejected me. But what really got to me was that my family didn’t seem to care how I was feeling, they missed him and felt it was time for me to get over it so he could be part of the family again.

The Situation Makes No Sense To Me!:

In the past it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to my family functions. Now that he dumped me, now he wanted to hang out all the time? I said he could come but the whole time at the baby shower I had this void in the pit of my stomach and was so close to tears the whole time. I did not enjoy my own sisters baby shower because all I could think about was he was paying no attention to me. My family sat round him like he was a celebrity.

Now he has a girlfriend and my family expects me to get over it already so he could be part of the activities. Right after I found out he had moved on I missed Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house because I knew he was going to be there.  I made it clear that it was him or me, my sister-in-law made it clear that he was invited and I was being immature.

Any Advice Out There?
So I ask to everyone out there, is there anyone else going through this? I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but I don’t want to have any relationship with him anymore! I can understand when my kids get married or have kids, then of course I would not say I don’t want him there, but this is my family.

My Decision:

After many arguments with my children and my family and expressing that it hurts me to be around him, I surrender. I told my family that I am tired of being the bad guy, so I am pulling away and he could be there in my place. My daughter called me selfish.

So he decides to sever ties with me and move on and I am supposed to accept him with open arms or I am selfish. I am sorry I don’t have to accept someone who rejected me and be chummy with him.

 

Maybe in time but maybe I don’t ever have to be his friend and I will be damned if I am going to be miserable during my family gatherings so “he” won’t be lonely without a family. My thing is he should go with his girlfriend’s family and get close to them since that is who he chooses. He cares nothing about me so why would I care about him?

My family has no regard for my feelings. So my focus is going to be on me and doing what keeps me happy obviously my ex could care less about my feelings so it is not my job to let him screw around with other women and then come play house with my family. And if my family feels it is o.k., then obviously my family cares more about his feelings than mine so this is why I am deciding to pull away from my family.

This is a miserably sad time for me, but what else can I do.

I WILL SEND NO MORE NEGATIVE VIBES TO HIM

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I wish when he gets up early in the morning half asleep, he bumps his baby toe into the corner of the wall and cracks the nail right in half so hard it has him bouncing around cussing every “F”, “B” word in the book!  Now that is the nicest thing I wish would happen to my ex. Honey a scorned woman is not to be messed with because we get pretty mad and our thoughts can get pretty wild.  Not to mention when someone mentions his name, I am real quick to throw in a few colorful “screw hims” and what not.

Then, there are the days where I sit and can pull myself into a deep pond of loathe just thinking of how he did me wrong.  I know many can relate, especially the ones who are betrayed.

My head becomes a popcorn machine popping new negative thoughts.  I may call a friend to vent or sit there simmering, but I am producing all this negative energy and don’t realize I am getting angrier and meaner and more resentful.  I let the popcorn continue to pop and pop, more negative thoughts about him.  Pretty soon I will be writing everyone in the world mean texts or heck, that dozen of eggs in my fridge would sure look better splattered all over his car. Now, remember, I am just supposing.

Physically what is that negative energy doing to my body?  For one thing creating stress that affects my heart, my skin…yes ladies we age when we worry instead of being happy, our immunity, the list goes on and on.  So how do we stop it.  You said it, STOP IT!!!  Get up and do something to distract yourself.  It isn’t that simple but it is worth a try isn’t it?  Fight it.

In the end it is about ending up happy.  It seems like we can never find that again but we will get there.

Step one.  Control those negative thoughts.  Abolish them because it affects mind-body and soul!

My promise to myself.  From this day forward, I will not speak or think ill of my ex.  Think I am crazy…I am being so serious.  You think it is doing him any harm me over here brooding over him having a new girlfriends and a big house while I sit alone in an apartment?  Do you think it affects him while I curse him out in my head and lay on my couch depressed?  Hell no!  The only one it is hurting is me.  He is over there getting his groove on and living his life.

I am not saying I am going to go seek out men and start bringing them in, because Lord knows that is not what I want, but I need to stop living in my head.  My friend says bless your enemies, I am going to do that.  Good luck David with your new girl, it is not easy saying that but if I wish you well then maybe good will also happen for me and I need to go my way and start living.  I will work on forgiving you.

I may need to take a few deep breaths because that was not easy to say or even type but I will go to sleep now and sleep on it with a bit of a heavy chest but hopefully each day it will be easier to say.  Each day I will release this negative monster that is residing in my body and hopefully he will leave this precious body of mine and leave my happy little self.

Tranquility Pools

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Tranquility Pools

What is this I feel in my heart
What is this I feel in my soul

The thrashing of the oceans have stopped
The crushing of waves against the cliffs have ceased

All this I carried within every part of me
Developed by pain, anger, resentment

At times the tides were so high twisting and turning
The great waters pulled me under with such force

Like what I carried inside me , it barely let me breath
As soon as I thought I conquered one trial
Another wave of tribulations came crushing over me

Sucking me under as I fought to regain my step
And I fought to regain my step and I fought to regain my step

And then as I turned the side of the cliff
The foam of the water turn crystal blue like glass

So still, so peaceful, so tranquil was this lagoon
My thighs still trembled from fighting the waves

So I layed back and allowed the drift bring me safely to shore
As the water cascaded rubbed against me so soft like a human hand
The gentle rocking of the water so close to a lullaby

Is this my reward?
This stillness of my mind?
the peace in my heart?
this wondrous feeling?

I don’t want to feel the anguish of the stormy waters anymore
I am done being angry and resentful and bitter and sad

But only I can take myself to the beautiful place of serenity, peace and joy.
It is my decision and it is pushing myself through the pain.

But it is hard, and it takes time
and at times you want to just want to give in
but just know if you keep getting up

It is true paradise….

YOUR BRAIN CAN BE YOUR WORST ENEMY

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SOMETIMES OUR MINDS ARE OUR WORST ENEMIES

Through my divorce I have come to learn so much about myself, what makes me tick, who I am. I have come to the conclusion that I am not Miss Superwoman. I am a work in process. Divorce is like death and I cannot expect to be healed in a few months. Yes it is an amicable divorce and my ex and I have decided to remain friends, but it is still the death of a life I knew for 29 years and the death of a future I thought was going to unfold into a certain way. I am blindsided as to what the future holds now and I feel like I am standing at the beginning of 10 roads not knowing where any one of then leads to whereas before I knew where my future was leading.

I started to date, that didn’t work out. Maybe it was too soon. It just added to my pain when that didn’t work out. I hadn’t healed from the pain of one and then to add more pain…not good. Then the mind starts to wander, is it me? My own mind started to become my worst enemy. Ok I ended it but maybe he wanted me to end it. Silliness! What is wrong with me? Am I unloveable? Who will love me?

Oh yeah take it from me, your brain can turn on you. It can start telling you a lot of negative things, and mine did just that. It told me I wasn’t pretty enough, my body wasn’t good enough, and it did not let up! It told me morning, noon and night. I fell into a depression.

You see what I learned about depression is that it is caused by living in past disappointments. Ruminating in them if you will. You go over and over in them in your head. Well if only I had did this, if only I had said that. We think if we could go back we could fix things but in reality all we are doing is sinking deeper and deeper into depression because we are so absorbed so long in negative thoughts and those negative thoughts are about us…think about it, how good are we going to feel if we do that.

Somehow I had to learn to pull myself out of the past and bring myself into the present. As soon as my mind wandered back to some wah wah moment, I caught myself and told myself…ok yeah that was pretty sad but let’s come back to the present. And boy do I have to do that A LOT. There is a special meditation on that kind of thinking called mindfulness. All I know is that I have to stop living in the past moment of my past love that only brings me grief and sadness because I miss him and come back to reality. I will think, oh look at the pretty flowers on my desk and focus on that to bring me out of it. Depression is a boogar but we can pull ourself out of it, it is really hard but we can do it.

Don’t listen to what your brain is saying about yourself unless it is saying, “Damn you are one hot MAMA!!”

HOME ALONE!!!

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HOME ALONE!!!

By far the hardest challenge you will face with divorce will be the loneliness. I felt I lost my purpose, there was nobody to go home to after work, cook for, talk to, “Hey how was your day”. Nobody to sit and watch television with. But mostly there was nobody to lay down and go to bed with. That was one way of thinking. My sister called me and was telling me about not being able to go to the gym because she had the baby and dinner, and her eldest daughter that and laundry this and husband that and this and that…and so on and so on…..a small smile started growing on my face. As I was driving home that small smile or smirk, if you may, stayed on my face, and a knowing look crossed my eyes. My focus was extreme and deep.

I walked in my apartment and took off my shoes…threw them on the floor and let them fall where they may. I took off my clothes and did the same, let them hit the floor, and let them fall where ever they may, they landed right next to my purse and keys. I grabbed an ice cream bar and thought, eh this is enough dinner, grabbed a pillow and turned on the television to the channel I wanted and plopped on the sofa. Right there in my bra and underwear. I sat eating my ice cream and didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do because guess what…I didn’t have anything I had to do…AND IT FELT AWESOME!!!!

As I got sleepy later on that night I made it a point to make a flying leap into my bed and put my arms out like an eagle and landed right in the middle of my bed…MY BED!!! For a minute I had the wild urge to get up and jump on my bed, should I? I will have to look forward to another day. I snuggled with my soft pillows and comforter…Peace! No stress! Sorry sister!

SCREAM THE TRUTH…

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SCREAM THE TRUTH TILL IT DOESN’T HURT

Suppose your man left you for another woman. Suppose it hurts you to the core. Or maybe he just left you and you are still hurting. Whatever the reason, you are hurting and you want it to stop already. What are we supposed to do to get over the pain.

I heard about forgiveness exercise where you lay down, close your eyes and do vision work. Well I was angry and I was hurting and I thought, I need to puke this forgiveness thing and do it now…

Just so happens I was on the freeway heading towards downtown Los Angeles.

As I got to 65 mph, I  hollered at the top of my lungs, “I wish pure love and happiness for my ex because he deserves it”.  No, I didn’t mean it.  Anyways, I said it again, and I said it again, over and over. I can’t tell you how far I drove, but it had to be over 25 miles.  I had the momentum going.  I was yelling from my gut, my heart but more importantly, I was wanting to believe it. It wasn’t  because I feel they deserve it but because I hurt so freaking much and just wanted to stop hurting already!!! So I yelled and yelled over and over how I wished him love and happiness. At first it hurt so bad to say it because no I didn’t want any of that for him, but the more I said it, something happened. My throat started to get parched from hollering so much, but my stomach started hurting less. So I got daring and threw in “and I forgive him as a person”, boy did that hurt but again I said it over and over.

When my drive was over, it was dusk. I was parched and I grabbed some water and went to bed. I was physically and emotionally spent.

Something felt very different about me, I can’t explain it. That tension that I had felt in my stomach for so long was gone.

That next morning I actually forgot about my drive. I saw a cheese cake my daughter made and I was joking that her berries were not uniform and we need to get a ruler so we could spread them out evenly. She looked at me and she asked if I was drunk. She was laughing. I realized that I was really being silly and felt much lighter. A feeling of AHHHHH, is all I could explain it as. I have no technical term for this therapy that I did on the fly except, Scream the truth till it doesn’t hurt!

The concept, I picked something I was hurt and angry about and I hollered and hollered good things about this person until the pain in the pit of my stomach went away. I started a path of forgiveness. My pain was definitely eased. I needed to hurt less and it sure seemed that is exactly what happened. Wow.  They say we have to learn to forgive, not for them, but for ourselves….

THE ILLUSION OF LOVE

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THE ILLUSION OF LOVE

Visions of sugarplums dance in my head. They are dancing around and they seem so real, the sweet sugary taste tantalize my taste buds and I want to consume them up. The deep frosty purple glisten as they swirl round and round threatening to burst with the sweet nectar they are filled with. Are they real? They look real! I want them to be real. My past tells me not to taste them just yet. We want to make sure my eyes are not playing tricks on me. My tummy would be sad if it were expecting them and they were nothing but a figment of my imagination and I would bite and it would be nothing but an illusion and I would taste nothing but air.

This is what love is like. I approach it gingerly making sure my feet are on secure foundation. I don’t want the bottom to give way as I put my weight down. I walk slowly towards it, towards the wonder of my sugarplums. So many times love has dropped me down and I went tumbling hitting everything that was below. I have to care for myself because if I don’t, who will. Love is supposed to bring us the most joy yet can bring us the most pain. Which will it be, nobody ever knows with each situation, but we continue to slowly approach the wonderful fruit of love, because when it is sweet, oh how sweet it is!!!