Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Divorce-heal

Remember Why You are Apart

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Do you find yourself asking when will I stop hurting? I asked for 30 years, I still catch myself asking. I find myself irritated, why does it bug me that he is dating when he seems like life is peaches and orgasms. Why was he able to move on so easily? Then it can escalate, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

Then it occurs to me.

Oh yeah, I got married because to me it was true love…

Oh yeah, I have some values and virtue and I’m selective and not going to just jump in the sack with the first Joe Schmo that says, “Do you work at Subway, cause you just gave me a foot long!”

And I’d be, Oh my God, I just gave a man an erection! It must be true love!

Puleeeze!

Oh yeah, then I remember he was a horrible husband and I was MISERABLE!!

And I smile and go about my day!

Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

IMG_20160220_132849

We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.

Did You Say Maybe It’s A Good Thing He Broke My Heart?

Free Me From My Pain

Free Me From My Pain

Yes I did and I mean it. You know that sweet heart of yours that somebody just stomped on and kicked around and it just hurts so bad because of what you went through? I am going to show you that you can turn that pain into a positive thing…YES YOU HEARD RIGHT, I SAID TURN YOUR HURT TO A POSITIVE HURT!

Let me let you in on something. I am writing this for your, and for me. Yup, I was just used in the worst way by somebody that was supposedly my best friend for over three years and I said ok I will date him and bam. Him knowing I have rejection and trust issues because of how badly I was abused by my husband for 25 years, what happens, I find out that he was just using me for money and sex. Obviously I was not even a friend because do you hurt somebody like that when they are your best friend for so many years?

So ask me how I feel right now. Why thank you for caring, I feel like there is something wrong with me and I am unloveable. My husband told me our whole marriage that I was going to end up alone, and now he is dating someone he really likes who is young and pretty and I made peace with it, but darn.

So are you with me? Are we going to analyze this thing we are going through and turn it into a positive? Say yes, say yes…

Ok if you are on this paragraph you must of said yes. Cool. This is my belief, not belief it is a proven fact. When we go through hardships and pain and trauma we can do one of two things.

1. Resonate with that pain and allow ourselves to become a more compassionate loving person because we don’t want to hurt people. We know what it feels like to hurt. We become wiser from learning all this.

2. Or we can become bitter, anti-men, thinking all men are the same. Maybe become depressed and see life in a negative way from here on in.

Which one sounds better?

So where is the lesson in all this. Let’s use me for instance.

I knew this guy was a flake. Am I going to learn from my mistake or am I going to repeat it and go after more flakes. Maybe I should screen better and be more selective. With all this we definitely get wiser. This is my theory. My husband was not good to me, he abused me, verbally and physically and I was the one who begged him not to leave me. Who does that? someone that obviously doesn’t love themselves.

So maybe after him I should have taken time off men and worked me and learning to love Catalina. Nope, I ended up with some other guy that didn’t want commitment and how did I feel about myself when this guy thinks I am good enough to be a girlfriend but no no we are not talking about futures. He ended up leaving me.

So now did I learn that I needed to take a break and work on me, hell no, I ended up with this last guy. I figured God said. You know this girl is not learning her lesson so let me get someone that really really hurts her. This one is going to be a doozy and maybe then she will realize if she doesn’t work on her self worth, she is going to continue to accept men that treat her like shit.

So my assignment now is I have vented, I have cried, boy have I cried. Then I will start with my affirmations that I am going to start doing every day. I am reading Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. Because I need to do some heavy forgiveness work, not for him, for me. Then I need to start this journey of healing and working on my self-worth.

This chick is going to have some real high standards when she looks for her next man in say, 5 years.

So in a nutshell:
a. What went wrong in my relationship. Was it maybe a blessing in disguise?
b. What could I learn from it?
c. I promise to be more loving and compassionate.
d. I allowed myself to grieve.
e. I vented and vomited all my feelings out.
f. I will do forgiveness work (I have a chapter on it)
g. I will practice self affirmations about loving myself.
h. I think I will treat myself to something nice today! An ice cream.

Are You Allowing Your Pain and Anger to Harm You and Your Family?

Are you having a booger of a time dealing with this divorce?  Does your life seem to be falling apart and you feel like you are dying of a broken heart or maybe you feel so angry you could bite through a bullet.    .

Time to Woman Up With this Divorce

I know, I know, the last thing you want to do is pretend your are strong if you feel sad and weak and you just can’t stand that cliché’, “fake it till you make it!”

The truth is that behaving negatively is bad for your health, your mental health and especially if you have children.  It affects your job, and even future relationships.  Don’t you want to deal with your emotions so you could figure all this is for the best so you can start living a healthy life leading to happiness.

Deal With Your Divorce Stress With Dignity And Strength

You can become your worst enemy because if you are behaving negatively, How will you ever come out of this a stronger woman.

Control your negative emotions from yourself and your children.

When I say control, I don’t mean mask it or pretend it isn’t there.  You must allow yourself to go through the pain and feel every bit of it.  You must process it to come out of the other end.

Going through a divorce, or even separations and break-ups can be devastating. It is a like mourning the death of your husband, only he is alive and shacking up with another woman.  Yeah that sure does hurt.

If you are angry and full of resentment, you have to identify the pain that is fueling that anger and work on that.  You heard of the stages of grief.  They are now saying that they don’t come in any particular order.  You may feel anger first until you realize the truth and then get depressed.  What matters is looking for articles, advice on healing.

What Are Issues That Could Flare Up Negative and Destructive Emotions

  • Spouses own temper tantrums he brings to you.  You have to realize this is not about fighting fire with fire.  If he is fire, you need to be water and not gasoline.
  • Research mind, body and soul healing.  What this means is that you have to take care of yourself now.  Eat the right foods, don’t drink too much, exercise. Whatever is your belief source, now is probably the best time to get in touch with your faith.
  • Take good care of your job.  We all have had those times when we are going through something and work is so hard because your mind wanders.  But your job is your source of income and you want to remember you may be the sole breadwinner now.
  • Take good care of your kids.  This is very tough on them and it is imperative that you are not a jealous, information seeking, pitiful look at how sad I am a type of mom.  They are your priority so you need to woman-up around your children.
  • The last is realize that just because Karen Gail Grubb from across the street dealt with her divorce great.  As a matter of fact they are friends and they both get their new spouses and they all go to Olive Garden for “All You Can Eat spaghetti” on Tuesday.  So what!  Do not compare yourself to anyone because everyone heals different.  There is no time watch on grief. But at the same time you don’t want to live in our wallow either.

Well that is it for now.  If you can think of anything more, please send me a comment.

Happy Healing

Signs You Are Getting Bitter! 

humor side of divorce

Now I am not going to say that I never get bitter, it is natural especially if you were the one that was left.  Watch yourself and if you start talking like this, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY GETTING BITTER!  Bitter alert, bitter alert!

Don’t sound like this:

  • “Did you see his new ho, she is hideous!” (Even if she looks like Jennifer Anniston, you are going to go over her with a fine tooth comb and find something wrong).
  • “Date? After my marriage I don’t want to see another man ever.” (Wait, I hear that Johnny Depp wants to go out with you, still swearing off men forever? Give it time and you will want to jump right back on the horse…literally).
  • “All the good men are taken or gay!”, (Guess what there are men that were jilted too. There are men that chose careers before, widows, unhappily married men…gee the choices).
  • “He is never going to find anyone like me!” (Can’t rule out, cloning can we?)
  • “One day he is going to regret leaving me and by then it will be too late!” (Spoiler alert, men don’t break up marriages for anything.  He made it final because for some reason the two of you were not mean to be.  That is all, accept it.)
  • “All men are alike!” (Whoah, whoah that is the ultimate “bitter woman” comment. Just like you are unique, so are men so do not sabotage your chances with limited thinking).

What other self-defeating things are you saying?  On a serious note, that kind of thinking can really hold you back from becoming a happily single woman that is the prime catch for those eligible men out there. Trust me they are out there. Just realize, would you like to go out with a negative nilly?  A man that is full of criticism or an optimistic person that see’s the lighter side of life.  You have to attain the same qualities you are looking for a man.  So when you start saying negative things, stop yourself and make yourself realize that is just your hurt and anger getting the best of you.  Only you can control your thoughts.

“Hate. It has caused a lot of problems in this world but has not solved one yet.”

– Maya Angelou

When Your Family Can’t Let Your Ex Go

2014-09-2-Life-of-Pix-free-stock-photos-hands-desk-swatch-Damian-zaleski

It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids. My children are adults and I find no need to have to see him like if he were picking them up for visitation. So for me this is a blessing.

The Problem:

My kids want their father to be part of my family gatherings. What is worse is that my family also miss him and want him to be around. Everyone feels sorry for him because the only family he had is my family. His mother, father and brother died within the last 5 years.
Trying to Compromise

At the beginning, I agreed to invite my ex to Thanksgiving at my mother’s because my daughter broke down in tears. She felt bad that her father did not have his mother for the holidays. Fine! I let him come, but I was not happy at all.

When my dear friend’s daughter passed on, my daughter got upset because I did not want him there. Why would he want to go? He had went out with us a few times, but that this was my personal friend. But fine! I was really trying hard not to be the bitter scorned ex-wife, so I said o.k. My friends were cordial to him but asked me after, why would he show his face. They did not like him because of the way he dumped me.

Ironically another friend of mine passed away a few months later. This friend was his friend before mine so when I asked if he were going he said, “She wasn’t really my friend.” Hello! He knew this friend for over 25 years so what was the real reason he HAD to go to MY circle of friends?

Then my sister wanted him there for her baby shower when she was having her first baby. She said he was the only male figure growing up and really wanted him there. I was dealing with bad depression because I could not seem to get over him. I was mad at how he rejected me. But what really got to me was that my family didn’t seem to care how I was feeling, they missed him and felt it was time for me to get over it so he could be part of the family again.

The Situation Makes No Sense To Me!:

In the past it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to my family functions. Now that he dumped me, now he wanted to hang out all the time? I said he could come but the whole time at the baby shower I had this void in the pit of my stomach and was so close to tears the whole time. I did not enjoy my own sisters baby shower because all I could think about was he was paying no attention to me. My family sat round him like he was a celebrity.

Now he has a girlfriend and my family expects me to get over it already so he could be part of the activities. Right after I found out he had moved on I missed Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house because I knew he was going to be there.  I made it clear that it was him or me, my sister-in-law made it clear that he was invited and I was being immature.

Any Advice Out There?
So I ask to everyone out there, is there anyone else going through this? I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but I don’t want to have any relationship with him anymore! I can understand when my kids get married or have kids, then of course I would not say I don’t want him there, but this is my family.

My Decision:

After many arguments with my children and my family and expressing that it hurts me to be around him, I surrender. I told my family that I am tired of being the bad guy, so I am pulling away and he could be there in my place. My daughter called me selfish.

So he decides to sever ties with me and move on and I am supposed to accept him with open arms or I am selfish. I am sorry I don’t have to accept someone who rejected me and be chummy with him.

 

Maybe in time but maybe I don’t ever have to be his friend and I will be damned if I am going to be miserable during my family gatherings so “he” won’t be lonely without a family. My thing is he should go with his girlfriend’s family and get close to them since that is who he chooses. He cares nothing about me so why would I care about him?

My family has no regard for my feelings. So my focus is going to be on me and doing what keeps me happy obviously my ex could care less about my feelings so it is not my job to let him screw around with other women and then come play house with my family. And if my family feels it is o.k., then obviously my family cares more about his feelings than mine so this is why I am deciding to pull away from my family.

This is a miserably sad time for me, but what else can I do.

Accepting He Is Divorcing Me and Has Moved On

    My writing pretty much stopped because all that peppy, motivational talk I wrote about that was helping me and helping you…disappeared, I had nothing to give anymore.
    I found out that my ex was serious with another woman. Now I have written about thinking that he was seeing someone and it troubled me but I was a warrior and I was not going to let it get me down. So I thought.
    Things were going great. My ex and I were amicable for the kid’s sake and realized that because of our history we were not going to be enemies like other divorced couples. I would periodically stop off to see my pets at his house since he was the one that ended up with it and it was best for my two kitties and doggie that they stay there.
    So one day I went to my ex’s house to drop off food for my pets and “she” was sitting on the couch all dressed in a cute summer dress. “She” was his girlfriend, may I add that she was younger and pretty.

This woman stuck her hand out and I shook it, but I was not really sure who she was, what was she doing there. I walked to my son’s room and that is when he told me that this WAS his girlfriend.

    I can’t explain what I was thinking or feeling, I just felt like I had to leave fast. I ran out the back door and drove away. I was halfway home when I had to pull over because I my crying became uncontrollable. What was happening? I had this divorce thing down pat, so I thought. I was able to handle anything life threw at me, so I thought.
    I called my son and I wanted to know if she was still there. I was going to head back over there and…I don’t know what, but I needed to face her. My son informed me that she had left home.
After a good half hour, I drove home. The rest of the night was a whirlwind, my kids worrying, my ex calling saying he is doing nothing wrong we are not together…Nothing made sense. My husband of 28 years had moved on and made it clear he did not love me and it was never going to work between us anyways.
    Shortly after that my daughter moved out of our apartment to live with her boyfriend. Working two jobs to keep our place became too much because I was depressed and angry so I moved to a rental behind a family. My place used to be a garage but they fixed it up really nice but it had no kitchen and in my head I could not get past that I lived in a garage, while he was buying a house. A house I used to live in and now this other woman was there. He had someone, and I was alone, I had nobody. I threw up my arms in defeat and even declared to myself, “You see, I knew I would end up alone!” I had already written the last chapter of how my life would end and closed the book. I isolated and lay around licking my wounds.
    This was why I stopped writing my motivational blogs. This was beyond my understanding. It used to be that I met a problem and just writing it out helped me to find solutions. This was different, or so I thought.
    Have you met this feeling? Has your husband or wife moved on and it is hitting you real hard that maybe just maybe, THIS MAY BE THE REAL END OF YOUR MARRIAGE. Sure we go through the motions, I want a divorce, you move apart, stay away…blah blah blah. But are you like me, and in the back of your head you kind of, sort of still think that maybe in the future you will get back together?
This is what we call needing to accept reality. As I had in the past, I picked myself up and started a game plan. “Operation Acceptance”.
Situation: I felt humiliated, rejected, depressed because my husband dumped me and got a new young, woman and they were probably having sex with that hussy in the room we used to sleep in…Ugh…Ok enough of that. This was about healing not allowing resentment to grow. Maybe she is a nice hussy, I don’t know.
    I had to get control of myself again and this is only going to happen if I accept he moved on.
Here are six steps to feeling yourself again:
    • Grieve: I know I did enough of it, but if you are going through this you have to allow yourself to feel those feelings of hurt, anger, sadness. I was really depressed and if there ever becomes a point where you feel stuck in this depression, it is ok to seek professional help. It is so important to be able to use grief to heal and to come to the other side stronger and compassionate. So if that anger and depression becomes a trap. Do yourself a favor and reach out. We all just want to be happy again.
    • Realize: This is reality, I had to grasp that I was no longer his wife and he is his own person. People move on and isn’t that what I want for myself so why was I chastising him as a horrible human being. I know it is hard, but can you wrap your mind around that maybe just maybe you two were not supposed to be together and this other “woman” (notice I didn’t say hussy..ha! growth)is actually doing for you what you could not do for yourself. For me this was, she was my green light to go ahead with my life and stop worrying about what he is doing.
    • Have Patience: I promise this hurt will not last forever. Trust the process of life, happiness, sadness, tragedy, victory. Life throws so much at us but we all have the strength to overcome.
    • Forgive: Uh-oh. You are not going to like this part because it was so hard for me, but it was do-able. You have to learn to forgive that man you used to married to and yup, that woman he is doing too. Yuck, it was hard, it is hard. It is a process but little by ever so little, I am not forgetting, I am forgiving that this was about him trying to be happy and not about trying to hurt me. Even if it feels that way, stop your thinking. We are all here on this Earth to make ourselves happy first. Saying prayers, writing letters to him that never get sent, doing affirmations. There are many ways to work on forgiveness all you have to do is research.
    • Accept: You are now in a place where you can understand what happened to you more clearly. Maybe your narcissistic husband or boyfriend did not truly love you. Acceptance is necessary, and at some point, you need not fight the past. It means seeing things clearly.

    Remember you are forgiving for yourself, not for him. You never have to say the words to him. You are doing it as a healing practice so you can live and be happy again.
I just came back from a trip to Cancun with the girlfriends then camping with my kids. I need to always remember that I am in control of my happiness and it is none of my business anymore what he is doing, we are no longer together.

“One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, is to forgive.”
–Maya Angelou