A Mother to My Soul Mates

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Have you ever thought you have searched in the wrong place for your Soul Mate or as my daughter said and my jaw dropped..Kindred Spirit?

It isn’t always someone who has to put his “you know what” in your “you know what” or lay down at night with or even someone to look deep into your eyes into on Valentines Days over a candlelight dinner.

As I spoke to my daughter last night I realized I had never had to play any games with my love for her with her nor my son. I could tell her my heart feels like it could burst from the love it has for her. There are no dumb rules I have to follow with my love for my kids, don’t show my love or they are going to run for the hills.  Be careful with the “L” word.  Oh my God, the more you tell your children that you love them, the sweeter your relationship feels, at least mine does.  

You know we have issues when the book industry on how to make a man love us is a multi-million dollar industry.  Yeah there are plenty books on how to show love to your kids or how to make your kids how to respect you but lets compare which section waaaay over powers the other.

I am told that your children can be your kindred spirits or soul mates, I feel it is confirmed with me. It makes so much sense from the intense burst of love I feel when I think of them or when they are approaching them or when I see them.

I quit my 2nd job because I need to be there on Friday night when they play softball and I am practically flying in the air as my girl caught TWO!!! TWOOOO!!! FLY BALLS!!!

Guess what I prayed to God… I thanked him for bringing my ex into my life so that he could give me these two wonderful souls.  This person that I could not even think about in the past without wanting to jump on a horse with a steel armor suit and a sword and charge him piercing straight in the…. well you get my drift.  Thank you God because his love is … was a gift that gave me my soul mates.

I wouldn’t be experiencing this wisdom if I were not single…

Having an epiphany…

COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!!

 

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COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!

In my life I have learned that you cannot make someone feel what you want them to feel for you.  I have also learned that when you don’t seem to get the message they can get mean and inhumane about you pursuing them.  Move on girls.  When they don’t want you they don’t want you.  Damn it hurts, but we have to cut that tie.  Just like that old cliche’ goes. They are just not into us anymore…

I used to wonder why was I given such a horrible man who causes me so much pain.  I am such a good loving wife.  I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.  No one will love him like I do, why does he hurt me so.  I endured this pain for 29 years and I am not going to lie, I still struggle with the thought of losing him.  I fight with thinking he is the most horrible man on the Earth for not treating me like a queen for loving him so much and treating me so bad and being with another woman now.  Really?

What if a man, any man, is placed in front of me and I am told, “Love this man!  Adore him!  Cherish the ground he walks on!”  And I look at this guy and I feel nothing, I mean really it is not my fault, I try but the sparks are just not there.  Is it my fault that I cannot put my arms around this dude and stick my tongue in his ear?  Ewwww, of course not.

It is in a way the same as someone who falls out of love.  It happens through no fault of their own, but all of a sudden they just don’t feel that spark so if you put yourself in their shoes, yikes, that is a lot of pressure.  I know, I know we don’t have a lot of sympathy for the other party and you are thinking who’s side am I on…yours of course.  I am just saying.

Why are we put through so much pain?  We feel like it is so unfair, we feel like we are the good innocent ones and he is the one that gets away with it, maybe he got the young pretty girl and he is the one that is walking around treating us like an asshole and we are the one sitting at home broken up in tears.  How is life so unfair.

My breakup to me was like going to hell and back and no I am not going to say the pain was a gift, but I am using the lesson of the pain as a gift because it has taught me the lesson of compassion.   Some people’s heart becomes bitter and hard with pain.  They themselves become hardened.  These are the people who I pray for because they feel they are winners, no one will ever hurt them again.  I, may probably be hurt again and it will be just as painful and it scares me but that can’t be my focus.  My focus is that I have become a better person towards not being a person that hurts people.  I am hypersensitive to people’s feelings.  My loving heart has grown.  I feel more than I felt before.

But most importantly if I were ever to get into a relationship and it occurred to me that I just did not feel for that person anymore.  I would not be that person that rubs a new person in their face.  I would be ultra compassionate because I am not so sick of them that I am just trying rid of them… no-no they are a human being going through pain like I remember going through and they need compassion…

I have come to understand why we have pain in our life.  I understand why those who have traveled the journey of pain and come out with a soft heart are one of the most beautiful souls on this Earth.  They have learned the true gift of compassion because it isn’t just a word from a dictionary to them.  They feel it from their very soul.  You realize that empathy is a powerful tool to help someone and console and lift someone up while sympathy can sometimes be an outsider looking in.

Today I am realizing that I needed that pain to learn what I know to today, and that is what I needed to grow where I am today.  I am a much more person too.  I have a courage I didn’t have before. I could never fathom the thought of being on my own and living by myself.  I would have been back at my mothers.  I don’t know what happened to me that I became such a co-dependant person.  I thought that because I left home at 17 I grew up fast but my husband became like a parent to me and I let him control me. If his word was the law, how was I independent.  Obviously  I am not that same person, and I didn’t realize that the wrong person, my husband, was teaching me the right lesson about life with the pain he put me through…indirectly…I thank you…and this will help me to forgive you.  And that  will help set me free….

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

god is till working on me

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

To the single women out there, are you like me and your focus is where are all the single men.  Are you thinking you know what will make you whole again…a real nice man?  Really?  I am laying here thinking so very different little by little every day.  Don’t get me wrong I backslide a lot.  That loneliness is a mo fo.  Sitting in an apartment alone, is a mutha!  I get up off the couch… I go to the refridgerator… I look then, I close it… I walk in my bedroom and look in there…what am I looking for.  I go in the bathroom, do I need to go?  Not really.  What the hell I will go just a little just for something to do.  I have bought crafts that sit in the bag.  I leave and go get food and there it sits in the fridge because I really wasn’t hungry.

I don’t know what to do with myself because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself.  But I picked up a book and started reading and started looking within and thought, do I really feel ready for a relationship?   I am bothered, it isn’t just about having someone to entertain me anymore, it is deeper than that.  There is something deep inside of me that is trying to tell me something about me.  Like a purpose maybe.  Like men need to not take my focus now.  But I won’t be able to truly grasp what it is because I am so focused on loneliness and whining that I can’t focus on this deeper meaning that I am supposed to be working on myself.  We all have a calling or purpose in this life.  Love is wonderful, romance is beautiful.  There is a reason a man has not shown up in my life now and I need to become aware of that and accept that as a part of a plan not a curse.  Men are not our universe, they are yummy frosting on the cake but they are not the cake…I need to focus on the cake…and so let me start working on finding what ingredients I need for my cake. Why am I looking for frosting when I don’t even have cake yet??? Right now  God is still working on me now…  and if I really get my stuff together…I may even be able to put a cherry on top…woo hoo bet that will be real yummy!!!

I WILL SEND NO MORE NEGATIVE VIBES TO HIM

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I wish when he gets up early in the morning half asleep, he bumps his baby toe into the corner of the wall and cracks the nail right in half so hard it has him bouncing around cussing every “F”, “B” word in the book!  Now that is the nicest thing I wish would happen to my ex. Honey a scorned woman is not to be messed with because we get pretty mad and our thoughts can get pretty wild.  Not to mention when someone mentions his name I am real quick to throw in a few colorful “screw hims” and what not.

Then there are the days where I sit and can pull myself into a deep pond of loathe just thinking how he did me wrong.  I know many can relate especially the ones who are betrayed.

My head becomes a popcorn machine popping new negative thoughts.  I may call a friend to vent or sit there simmering but the thing is I am producing this negative energy within my body and making no attempt to stop it.  I let the popcorn continue to pop and pop, more negative thoughts about him.  My anger increases, or sadness develops,resentments builds.

Physically what is that negative energy doing to my body?  For one thing creating stress that affects my heart, my skin…yes ladies we age when we worry instead of being happy, our immunity, the list goes on and on.  So how do we stop it.  You said it, STOP IT!!!  Get up and do something to distract yourself.  It isn’t that simple but it is worth a try isn’t it?  Fight it.

In the end it is about ending up happy.  It seems like we can never find that again but we will get there.  Step one.  Control those negative thoughts.  Abolish them because it affects mind-body and soul!

My promise to myself.  From this day forward, I will not speak or think ill of my ex.  Think I am crazy…I am being so serious.  You think it is doing him any harm me over here brooding over him having a new girlfriends and a big house while I sit alone in an apartment?  Do you think it affects him while I curse him out in my head and lay on my couch depressed?  Hell no!  The only one it is hurting is me.  He is over there getting his groove on and living his life.

I am not saying I am going to go seek out men and start bringing them in because Lord knows that is not what I want, but I need to stop living in my head.  My friend says bless your enemies, I am going to do that.  Good luck David with your new girl, it is not easy saying that but if I wish you well then maybe good will also happen for me and I need to go my way and start living.  I will work on forgiving you.

I may need to take a few deep breaths because that was not easy to say or even type but I will go to sleep now and sleep on it with a bit of a heavy chest but hopefully each day it will be easier to say.  Each day I will release this negative monster that is residing in my body and hopefully he will leave this precious body of mine and leave my happy little self.

THIS INDEPENDANT WOMAN JUST WANTS TO REST….

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MY WEARY BODY….

I am having a mini meltdown but I have to allow myself to have this. I have to let it out of my system so it doesn’t bottle up and then I need to dry my eyes, roll up my sleeves and get back to work.

But for now I have to admit my weariness. I have for the most part made it through the hardest part and that of course was the emotional pain of losing my life partner, regardless if it was never a dance in the park, it was still the death a relationship to someone I love and felt a very strong bond towards.  Fine.  You say what is the problem, why you whining you say?

I went out with my friends to the Renaissance Faire this weekend and I had a GREAT time that is the problem. We dressed like peasants from the medieval days and there was a point where we had just finished our Roast Beef sandwiches and we sat there on a bench and there was a cool breeze and I was sitting on a park bench drinking in the kaleidoscope of costumes, performers, personalities.  Maybe I was even taken back in time to a period when you didn’t need electronics, Face Book, phones, t.v. to be entertained.  Things were simpler and there was not a lot of rush, you had time to wait for bread to bake, people sat on their courts and talked.  People were sitting on the grass enjoying each other and others.  It was all about watching the people going by, what were they wearing and what they were doing. Yeah, it was about being nosy and not minding out own business.  We were into what was going on around us and everyone that was in it. The parade didn’t have to have lights or big floats, just people walking, chanting, beating on drums in costume to catch our full attention.  The queen in all her glory caught our complete awe.  This is what I experienced.  There was a long period where none of us spoke, we didn’t need to, there was this serene moment where I became part of the environment.

And then in a flash it was gone, the fair was going to close, it was time to go home, get ready for work the next day. I had to go to the dentist and be told that from stress I was slowly crushing the structure of my jaw.  It wasn’t tooth erosion.  I had broken a tooth root but no extraction because that is how you slowly lose your teeth.  I will deal with the pain, leave it in.  As long as no infection comes about, my dentist told me he would leave it in.

The grinding is from my stress of working two jobs thinking about …. No I take it back…NEEDING to be an independent woman who takes care of herself. My dentist wants to talk to my medical doctor to see what he can give me to bring down my stress.

So now I think of my wonderful weekend of leisure. Do I give up my job and my apartment and rent a room and lose much of my independence?  Live with somebody???    It will be their house, their rules?  Oh my it is starting to feel like I am living with my parents.

Rent is very expensive in California and moving is not an option because I have children, family and friends that make my world go round.  I cannot leave anyone behind.  I will have free time to have leisure and no one to spend it with.  I will truly go crazy.

So I guess I will continue my working 7 days a week because I need my apartment. And I will play hooky now and then to be able and breathe and release.  I do feel a little better.  Now I better get to work.  Hi Ho Hi Ho…

 

THIS LOVE OF MINE…

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THIS LOVE OF MINE…

The beauty of me is my loving heart

There is nothing stronger about me

My love is so powerful and so pure

I care to the depths of my soul

God gave me such an incredible gift

Just approach me and you will be pulled in

If asked, this is my greatest strength

Should I consider it a double edged sword?

For this strength is also my greatest weakness

A weakness that can cause me great pain

Dare I call it a curse or a gift

Loving too much or is it unconditional love?

I know it isn’t a desperate love

I feel healthy about the strength of my love

The man who ends with this love of mine

Will be the luckiest man alive…

WHAT ARE YOU ATTRACTING IN YOUR LIFE?

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WHAT ARE YOU ATTRACTING IN YOUR LIFE????

Today I looked at something I wrote a bit ago and thought, hmmm, this is a nice quote, “You attract love if you love yourself, you attract respect if you respect yourself.” Then I realized I was the one who wrote it. There are many things when I look back at, I think, wow did I write that? Ha! Then, there are a lot that I have to go back and correct. Sometimes I am so excited because it just flows out like water. I will wake up from a dead sleep and have the need to write. Those are the times when I need to do grammar and spell check before I send it off.

Back to that quote, it inspires me. There was a time that I had no self-respect or self-love and guess what, I accepted garbage. Why not, I was garbage, right? Call me every name in the book, I will beg you not to leave, you can stay out all night, and I will be right there in the morning relieved because you came back to me.

It is a new day, I am nobody’s bitch, ass-hole, or whore now. At the first sign of any of that language coming out of your mouth, you will be talking to the walls. Peacefully, I am gone. Got an itch to stay out all night, you better take all your stuff because your “all night” is going to be permanent. I know what happens if your night needs to be a sleepover. I am nobody’s fool.

I have heard so many women say, why do men always do this to me? No, why do you let men do this to YOU! There is a sign, there is ALWAYS a sign. No call, no show? Loses his temper with you, bad name slips at you? At that first sign of disrespect, that is the end of it. It could only go downhill from there.

I cannot handle yelling. Nobody yell at me, it frightens and intimidates me. When I hear it, I will immediately remove myself from it. It takes two to argue, so if you remove yourself from a yelling person, who are they going to argue with. If I am on the phone and somebody raises their voice, I say don’t yell and I instantly hang up. I will not answer for a while because I know that call right after will still be a yelling call. Thank God for text, I will send a text and say, when you are ready to speak calmly, you may call me back and tell me what is bothering you. It is working. I don’t have anyone in my life that speaks in a harsh manner any longer.

I lived the life of ugliness for so many years that I realize that people can live like they do on the Brady Bunch. Serene, peaceful, speak to each other respectfully. I always wanted that. My kids have picked that up and have mates that have that also. This road I am on is a long one but the lessons never cease to amaze me and I am tireless. Come on bring me a new day, I want to learn more and more!!