COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!
In my life I have learned that you cannot make someone feel what you want them to feel for you. I have also learned that when you don’t seem to get the message they can get mean and inhumane about you pursuing them. Move on girls. When they don’t want you they don’t want you. Damn it hurts, but we have to cut that tie. Just like that old cliche’ goes. They are just not into us anymore…
I used to wonder why was I given such a horrible man who causes me so much pain. I am such a good loving wife. I would follow him to the ends of the Earth. No one will love him like I do, why does he hurt me so. I endured this pain for 29 years and I am not going to lie, I still struggle with the thought of losing him. I fight with thinking he is the most horrible man on the Earth for not treating me like a queen for loving him so much and treating me so bad and being with another woman now. Really?
What if a man, any man, is placed in front of me and I am told, “Love this man! Adore him! Cherish the ground he walks on!” And I look at this guy and I feel nothing, I mean really it is not my fault, I try but the sparks are just not there. Is it my fault that I cannot put my arms around this dude and stick my tongue in his ear? Ewwww, of course not.
It is in a way the same as someone who falls out of love. It happens through no fault of their own, but all of a sudden they just don’t feel that spark so if you put yourself in their shoes, yikes, that is a lot of pressure. I know, I know we don’t have a lot of sympathy for the other party and you are thinking who’s side am I on…yours of course. I am just saying.
Why are we put through so much pain? We feel like it is so unfair, we feel like we are the good innocent ones and he is the one that gets away with it, maybe he got the young pretty girl and he is the one that is walking around treating us like an asshole and we are the one sitting at home broken up in tears. How is life so unfair.
My breakup to me was like going to hell and back and no I am not going to say the pain was a gift, but I am using the lesson of the pain as a gift because it has taught me the lesson of compassion. Some people’s heart becomes bitter and hard with pain. They themselves become hardened. These are the people who I pray for because they feel they are winners, no one will ever hurt them again. I, may probably be hurt again and it will be just as painful and it scares me but that can’t be my focus. My focus is that I have become a better person towards not being a person that hurts people. I am hypersensitive to people’s feelings. My loving heart has grown. I feel more than I felt before.
But most importantly if I were ever to get into a relationship and it occurred to me that I just did not feel for that person anymore. I would not be that person that rubs a new person in their face. I would be ultra compassionate because I am not so sick of them that I am just trying rid of them… no-no they are a human being going through pain like I remember going through and they need compassion…
I have come to understand why we have pain in our life. I understand why those who have traveled the journey of pain and come out with a soft heart are one of the most beautiful souls on this Earth. They have learned the true gift of compassion because it isn’t just a word from a dictionary to them. They feel it from their very soul. You realize that empathy is a powerful tool to help someone and console and lift someone up while sympathy can sometimes be an outsider looking in.
Today I am realizing that I needed that pain to learn what I know to today, and that is what I needed to grow where I am today. I am a much more person too. I have a courage I didn’t have before. I could never fathom the thought of being on my own and living by myself. I would have been back at my mothers. I don’t know what happened to me that I became such a co-dependant person. I thought that because I left home at 17 I grew up fast but my husband became like a parent to me and I let him control me. If his word was the law, how was I independent. Obviously I am not that same person, and I didn’t realize that the wrong person, my husband, was teaching me the right lesson about life with the pain he put me through…indirectly…I thank you…and this will help me to forgive you. And that will help set me free….