COME ON PAIN!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!!!
In my life I have learned that you cannot make someone feel what you want them to feel for you. I have also learned that when you don’t seem to get the message they can get mean and inhumane about you pursuing them. Move on girls. When they don’t want you they don’t want you. Damn it hurts, but we have to cut that tie. Just like that old cliche’ goes. They are just not into us anymore…
GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME
To the single women out there, are you like me and your focus is where are all the single men. Are you thinking you know what will make you whole again…a real nice man? Really? I am laying here thinking so very different little by little every day. Don’t get me wrong I backslide a lot. That loneliness is a mo fo. Sitting in an apartment alone, is a mutha! I get up off the couch… I go to the refridgerator… I look then, I close it… I walk in my bedroom and look in there…what am I looking for. I go in the bathroom, do I need to go? Not really. What the hell I will go just a little just for something to do. I have bought crafts that sit in the bag. I leave and go get food and there it sits in the fridge because I really wasn’t hungry.
I don’t know what to do with myself because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself. But I picked up a book and started reading and started looking within and thought, do I really feel ready for a relationship? I am bothered, it isn’t just about having someone to entertain me anymore, it is deeper than that. There is something deep inside of me that is trying to tell me something about me. Like a purpose maybe. Like men need to not take my focus now. But I won’t be able to truly grasp what it is because I am so focused on loneliness and whining that I can’t focus on this deeper meaning that I am supposed to be working on myself. We all have a calling or purpose in this life. Love is wonderful, romance is beautiful. There is a reason a man has not shown up in my life now and I need to become aware of that and accept that as a part of a plan not a curse. Men are not our universe, they are yummy frosting on the cake but they are not the cake…I need to focus on the cake…and so let me start working on finding what ingredients I need for my cake. Why am I looking for frosting when I don’t even have cake yet??? Right now God is still working on me now… and if I really get my stuff together…I may even be able to put a cherry on top…woo hoo bet that will be real yummy!!!
I wish when he gets up early in the morning half asleep, he bumps his baby toe into the corner of the wall and cracks the nail right in half so hard it has him bouncing around cussing every “F”, “B” word in the book! Now that is the nicest thing I wish would happen to my ex. Honey a scorned woman is not to be messed with because we get pretty mad and our thoughts can get pretty wild. Not to mention when someone mentions his name, I am real quick to throw in a few colorful “screw hims” and what not.
MY WEARY BODY….
I am having a mini meltdown but I have to allow myself to have this. I have to let it out of my system so it doesn’t bottle up and then I need to dry my eyes, roll up my sleeves and get back to work.
But for now I have to admit my weariness. I have for the most part made it through the hardest part and that of course was the emotional pain of losing my life partner, regardless if it was never a dance in the park, it was still the death a relationship to someone I love and felt a very strong bond towards. Fine. You say what is the problem, why you whining you say?
I went out with my friends to the Renaissance Faire this weekend and I had a GREAT time that is the problem. We dressed like peasants from the medieval days and there was a point where we had just finished our Roast Beef sandwiches and we sat there on a bench and there was a cool breeze and I was sitting on a park bench drinking in the kaleidoscope of costumes, performers, personalities. Maybe I was even taken back in time to a period when you didn’t need electronics, Face Book, phones, t.v. to be entertained. Things were simpler and there was not a lot of rush, you had time to wait for bread to bake, people sat on their courts and talked. People were sitting on the grass enjoying each other and others. It was all about watching the people going by, what were they wearing and what they were doing. Yeah, it was about being nosy and not minding out own business. We were into what was going on around us and everyone that was in it. The parade didn’t have to have lights or big floats, just people walking, chanting, beating on drums in costume to catch our full attention. The queen in all her glory caught our complete awe. This is what I experienced. There was a long period where none of us spoke, we didn’t need to, there was this serene moment where I became part of the environment.
And then in a flash it was gone, the fair was going to close, it was time to go home, get ready for work the next day. I had to go to the dentist and be told that from stress I was slowly crushing the structure of my jaw. It wasn’t tooth erosion. I had broken a tooth root but no extraction because that is how you slowly lose your teeth. I will deal with the pain, leave it in. As long as no infection comes about, my dentist told me he would leave it in.
The grinding is from my stress of working two jobs thinking about …. No I take it back…NEEDING to be an independent woman who takes care of herself. My dentist wants to talk to my medical doctor to see what he can give me to bring down my stress.
So now I think of my wonderful weekend of leisure. Do I give up my job and my apartment and rent a room and lose much of my independence? Live with somebody??? It will be their house, their rules? Oh my it is starting to feel like I am living with my parents.
Rent is very expensive in California and moving is not an option because I have children, family and friends that make my world go round. I cannot leave anyone behind. I will have free time to have leisure and no one to spend it with. I will truly go crazy.
So I guess I will continue my working 7 days a week because I need my apartment. And I will play hooky now and then to be able and breathe and release. I do feel a little better. Now I better get to work. Hi Ho Hi Ho…
THIS LOVE OF MINE…
The beauty of me is my loving heart
There is nothing stronger about me
My love is so powerful and so pure
I care to the depths of my soul
God gave me such an incredible gift
Just approach me and you will be pulled in
If asked, this is my greatest strength
Should I consider it a double edged sword?
For this strength is also my greatest weakness
A weakness that can cause me great pain
Dare I call it a curse or a gift
Loving too much or is it unconditional love?
I know it isn’t a desperate love
I feel healthy about the strength of my love
The man who ends with this love of mine
Will be the luckiest man alive…
WHAT ARE YOU ATTRACTING IN YOUR LIFE????
Today I looked at something I wrote a bit ago and thought, hmmm, this is a nice quote,
“You attract love if you love yourself, you attract respect if you respect yourself.”