I’m Renting a Room At My Ex’s Home!

I'm Renting a Room From My ExBelieve it!  I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s.  I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses.  How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years.  Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.

When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.

EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried?  Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would  all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?

I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.

This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.

He said that he was the man he was today because of me.  I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you.  Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.

He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.

I could not stop the tears as I told him that I lived this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left.  Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…

I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more.  So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else.  I see how he treats the girl he was dating now.  He got bored and wants new meat.  That is not what I want for myself.

So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons.  This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy.  This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there.  I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.

Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again.  It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.

For now, home is where mama is!

When You Think Nobody Will Ever Compare to Your Ex


So you are back to dating, yet you find yourself comparing or looking for someone like your ex.

f7107f273ea534cf046fd14646cb23db

Nothing Compares To You

There is a reason why you feel nobody measures up to your ex.

You are not quite ready to date.

What is the solution you ask? Good question!

First of all it depends how long you have been single. The healing process timeline is different for everyone, but if you find yourself still rejecting everyone because he doesn’t look the way you want in the last thing you bought your ex, a Bee Gees concert t-shirt you bought back in 1983, we have an issue.

You need to read up on my Disengage and Let Go category because chickee he is not your man anymore so let it go! So this type of person has an assignment. Learning to let go, move on, bury the corpse…IT’S DEAD!

On the opposite side of the scale we have the newly divorcee that is trying to numb the pain with a man. For you, your assignment is to feel your pain. Allow yourself to grieve completely or else you will be dating on the rebound. There is no rush, relax and heal before moving on.

Then we have the kinda similar to the stuck in the past person. Ask yourself who do you miss? What you wish he was like or what he used to be like. I’m sure you were on your best behavior when you met him. Probably didn’t poop in the same house for months.  Guess what, so was he.

You need to remember reality like uh, you are not together. Uh, maybe he remarried. What is the truth of the situation? Well then time to get him off the pedestal and realize it’s over and maybe you are living in wish land.

Dating is harder for some especially if your mind is on the ex. Let it go and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

Another Excuse to Cheat, The Grass Is Greener…

excuse cheat grass greener

This blog is in response to the comments I received about the interview I did with a 47-year old single male.  This was an interview about what do men really want from a woman.  It started out on the right track about inner qualities but wait till you hear what happened.

I asked what do men really want out of a woman. I was quite surprised at how much he opened up and how frank he was..  The qualities I asked about were personality traits and made it clear to forget about beauty because this is what men always talk about. I was more concerned on the inner qualities.

After saying the sense of humor, affectionate etc, the interview ended up being about why women need to keep themselves groomed and beautiful and toned.  If your weight is too high, she better lose it or her man’s eye is going to wander at women with tight clothes and bikinis.  My interviewee was adamant also that a woman needs to take care of her significant others sexual needs because this too will make him stray when she doesn’t.  I said, “You know this is going to create a backlash.”  I said it playfully, but I knew it would.

Here are some comments I received in my blog but mostly my Face Book.

Claire from,  lovetoreadlovetowrite703.net is a beautiful poet and writes about everything from dogs to avatars.  Fascinating poet.  But I loved what she commented, “Not too surprised. Men vary of course, but they do tend to be a lot more physically inclined than us.”

I  agree, so we ask, are all men going to be eye wanderers because they are always looking for that green green grass?

A reader, who I will call, Mary, she stated the following:  “I’ve always known men were that shallow…but to add to what he said, you can be that sexy eye candy to your man and fulfill all his sexual desires and be the ideal girl to him.  Yet, a man will always find any excuse to stray.  It’s sad but unfortunately it’s a risk you always have to be willing to take when it comes to being in a relationship. Men can just be shallow that way. Especially considering that no man will ever go out of their way to be what we want them to be or do what they know we like and would attract us.  Yet, us women bend over backwards at times just fit this mold of wants. We even go the extra mile to just to keep them happy and satisfied! It’s hard!”

I really like that comment.  Let’s look at Hale Berry and Sandra Bullock, there may have been other factors we don’t know about, but how do you keep up yourself more beautiful than that and still get betrayed?

A Mrs. Storm questioned, “Not all men are like that. I know my uncles & dad sure weren’t. Is the modern man like that?

Which ties in with Mr. Cole’s question, “I disagree with at least 3/4 of what he said. Period. Can you say around how old he is?”  After I told him 47 he continues, “I don’t think most men, at least older men are that shallow”.

A Ms. Jimenez writes, “Some men are just immature.”

Say it Ms. Jimenez!

Another inspiring author from the blog theaccidentalpoet.net, commented, “Admittedly, I have often found myself looking at “fit” women more. I know that’s rather shallow, but somehow I feel as though I was wired that way. What I look for MOST in a woman, however, is someone who has love and respect for others, who has a grasp on spirituality, and who is creative and spontaneous. …Now in my mid 50’s, I am more interested in what’s on the inside than what’s on the outside. I was really drawn to “the body” of the woman in my teens and twenties. I like to think I’ve evolved somewhat in my “prime” years.   This man knows his stuff, he has written forever but what is so inspiring is how his writing changed him.  Read his blog to better understand his story, intriguing!

The accidental poet gives me a better understanding of what a good man should evolve into. He mentioned feeling he was “wired” to look at beautiful or fit women but as he matured it changed.
I knew he could pull it down for us, as well as Mr. Cole.

This is what it breaks down to, and I think this is more for the men but more for the women.  There are men out there that are immature but that changes with age.  Some men never mature to the fact that, as we age, we change, it is harder to keep weight off.  As women are struggling to love their bodies, this is the message they feel.

Whip that body into better shape or he is gonna leave your ass!

So as women are we going to be with a man that makes you feel like Mary said, “bending over backwards?”  information like this is damaging to our self-esteem.  As it is women are always striving to look like that perfect 10 model, young girls are starving themselves.

Furthermore, no girl should ever feel she needs to perform like a porn star and having a rocking body better than Hale Barry because you know what, there are those immature men that are going to find another excuse to cheat.  As women when a man says anything opposite of a compliment about the body that is part of who you are, you don’t walk, RUN AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP!

What men fail to mention is the ones that never matured psychologically, must not have a mirror because they look like they could be sporting a 7-month old baby themselves.

This is one of my better topics because it even opened up my eyes and I hope it opened up yours, there is just no pleasing some men and learn to spot that man a mile away.

Till next time…Ciao!

14 Logical Ways to Know You May Be Dating Mr. Right!

Divorcee Go Wings/Dating

In order to find a good man we need to think ahead about what we want in a man.  The traits I accumulated are key to finding a great guy.

No more settling.  No more Mr. Losers for us.  Because we are perfect women and this time around we want a man who is going to be worthy of us.  I have searched the web and came up with these 14 traits, gestures and behaviors that I found the most important to finding Mr. Wonderful.

Now first, very important.  You are not going to pull out a clip board and question him.  These are to remembered so they sound natural if you need to ask questions.  The key is to talk about everything and to casually in a conversation mode, even ask questions.

TRAITS WE WANT IN A MAN

  • He asks questions, not just answers yours. Him asking if you like oral doesn’t count.  This guy will ask things to get to know who you are. He wants to know your favorite food, your passions, and even what you are looking for in a man.
  • Asks about your family, and doesn’t hide his.  Family values are important and if he asks you in proper time to meet his wonderful family, that means he wants to show you off to people he loves.
  • Not chauvinistic,  but chivalry is not dead.  He is not the kind of man who expects you to serve him as he lays out on the couch drinking his tall bud.  He doesn’t expect you to draw his bath.  He seems like the kind of guy that will get in and help you cook dinner and do the dishes.  Gee whiz! So he is about equality, but he treats you like a princess and opens doors for you, pulls your chair out.
  • No temper issues: I was married to an abuser with a horrid temper so this is a good one.  Want to test his temper, have him drive you two somewhere during rush hour on the freeway.  Are you noticing his temper rising and everyone else that is driving is an idiot.  The worst thing is he tells off everyone in the other cars…as if they could hear him.  Ugh, we need gentle peaceful men.
  • Makes you feel good no matter if you are in sweats or dress but it is authentic.  Now I am not saying to walk around in lard covered sweats and not brush your teeth.  I am talking clean, no make-up and he still acts like you are some hot super model.  Or at least that you are cute.
  • Apologizes when wrong.  So important, a man who cannot admit when he is wrong is all wrong! You do not want a man who has too big of pride that refuses to admit he is wrong.  If he is late to pick you up (which should not be happening anyways) but he is sorry and is trying to make it up to you.
  • Listens to your problems.  I am not talking, “Uh huh, really, oh”, I mean actively listening to your issues at hand.  Now mind you men have a tendency to think you are asking for a solution.  Don’t forget to listen to him back.
  • Not afraid to bring up goal with you.  Does he say stuff like, you are the kind of woman I would love to spend the rest of my life with.  Ok maybe even, asking if you could date exclusively.  This is a sign that he is not commitment phobic.  A man that says he doesn’t want to get serious, is someone who you are never going to get anywhere with.  Advice…run, don’t walk!
  • You are a priority.  You matter to him.  Not to mention he makes sure you know how important you are to him.
  • Respectful.  First time you hear anything like stupid, idiot, any disrespectful language that makes you sound like a lesser person.  Does he treat you with respect, doesn’t raise his voice to you.  This is very important.
  • Surprises you with sweet things.  Awe, what a sweet-ums!  Brings you flowers, maybe even picked it for you.  Brings you over a DVD to watch, and it just so happens to be your favorite movie.  Ah he really was listening!
  • Got act together.  We are not material girls, at least we shouldn’t be.  At the same time, we should be selective and want a man that is gainfully employed, doesn’t ride a 10-speed.  His finances are in order, maybe owns a home, but maybe he has his own apartment.  Something that tells you he has ambition and is responsible.  Does he work, is it a good job.  It could be a McDonalds manager, I am not downgrading anyone.  But come one if you want to go out with me you must have a J.O.B.
  • Work history:  Ok so we know he has a J.O.B., but what is his history with work.  Does he jump around and goes periods where there is no work, or does he have a 35-year-old pension because he has worked at the same company his whole life.  During this economy I realize there are men that are out of work and I am not dissing anyone.  But realistically, if you are having problems with work, you don’t need to be thinking about dating for now.  There are other priorities you need to think about.  I went on a date with a man who was on GR and true story, took me out to eat on his EBT card.  That ended real fast.
  • Great close relationship with family and friends.  If everyone in his life has abandoned him, even his mother.  Then you need to wonder why.  No friends either, wow.  Unless he is new to the area, he should have family somewhere, right?  Be wary if you are not introduced to anyone.

Remember, we are asking for some great qualities so you have to think about what are you bringing to the table.  Nobody in this world is perfect, we are going to have flaws.  Growth is about recognizing those flaws and always working to make you the best you can be,.

Happy Dating!

Do You Really Want To Know What Men Want?

What Men Want

I have uncovered the straight-forward bare facts of what a man really really wants in a woman. This comes from and candid interview with a single male who isn’t telling all the flowery things we want to hear. He will show candidly and explicitly what not only keeps a man, but keeps a man from cheating.

After a break-up or a miss-hit with a guy, don’t you want to know what really went wrong. Guys can beat around the bush and play their games, but no more, let’s find out what is going on in that head of theirs.

I chose this particular person to do the interview with because this is not an actor who needs to keep face. It is not from an ex or current beau who will only tell me what I want to hear. I knew I could count on this person who shall remain anonymous to avoid backlash. You will see why in the interview. Let’s call him John Doe for his anonymity.

Catalina: Thank you so much for doing this for me. Although you know who I am, let me tell you anyways so you know my purpose of asking for your interview. I am Catalina Zamora, author of the blog, “Divorcee Got Wings.” The reason I wanted to interview you is to show a male point of view and I know you will tell me what I want to know. No judgement, in fact I think it will be fascinating.

John Doe: Ok I am ready.

Catalina: First of all can you tell me what 5 qualities you look for in a woman. Now I know men are visual so I am asking for qualities that have nothing to do with looks.

John Doe: Sense of humor, laughter, affectionate, up for anything and willing to give things a chance with an open mind, be able to adapt to any situation instead of always complaining.

Catalina: Now, now I said good qualities. Ha!, you are already telling me bad qualities and I didn’t get to that part. Ok next tell 5 qualities that are deal breakers for you. In other words, you would not want to date a woman with these 5 qualities you are going to come up with yourself.

John Doe: Too flirty, always wanting to be out partying like drinking. Being selfish. Being close-minded. Oh and not have any family values, for me family comes first.

Catalina: Now how will you respond to many women’s complaints that all the good men are taken?

John Doe: Because the men that are single today have gone through something in a relationship that has damaged them or they get bored. They are acting out and enjoying single life. They play single games because they have been hurt and don’t like commitment . At some point though, it either gets boring again and they start looking for that true go to girl to love.

Catalina: Now what do you think is the biggest reason a man is afraid of relationships?

John Doe: If a man does not really love a woman they will always look at other woman and wonder. A woman has to take care to their men. Be beautiful, classy well dressed, sexy and a freak to their man.

Catalina: How do you feel about the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?

John Doe: Some men are not happy and never fell in love with their woman. If a woman can be a freak to their man do things and be spontaneous they will never leave that I for men

Catalina: So are you saying men tie sex and love together.

John Doe: Kind of. In men’s eyes, good sex makes us fall in love. And all the other things that I said, sense of humor, affectionate, that keeps them around and happy.

Catalina: So if a woman is lacking in her sexual skills, he will not be able to truly love her?

John Doe: A woman has to keep man happy. Keep herself visually attractive also.

Catalina: Ok, so even though I said I wanted to concentrate on personality attributes and not appearance, you brought it up. Is appearance that important?

John Doe: Yes, send sexy pics or send texts about what they are going to do to them when they get home from work. I am just letting you in the mind of a man. You wanted straight up answers right?

Catalina: Of course. So if a woman gains like 30-40 pounds but dresses sexy and does everything to please her man, is that a woman men will stay with? Or will they start looking over the fence where it is greener?

John Doe: Yes he will be happy. At the same time though, if she is gaining too much weight, she should try to get back into shape because it will be better for the relationship.

Catalina: Wait, you are giving me conflicting information. Do you feel weight is an important issue?

John Doe: Yes, most men will be looking at other women in tight clothes and small bikinis.

Catalina: Wow, that sounds like that is quite some pressure to put on a woman. They have to keep in shape and keep up with your freaky self in bed. You realize this is probably going to get some backlash.

John Doe: Do you want me to tell you what guys think, and talk to each other about. You wanted to know, so I told you what guys talk about and what we feel.

Catalina: I said no judgement, and I meant it. Thank you John Doe for being so open. By the way, I will be contacting you again for “Men’s Point of View” sessions.

John Doe: Anytime.

After Interview Afterthought: I would like to hear from women out there on their reaction to what John Doe shared with us. Let me tell you one thing, I, was a little perturbed by the comment about the weight gain. At the same time, I really believe that the majority of men feel that way. This is not to say that a man is going to cheat, what I am saying that their eyes do start to wonder. I also have to add, I don’t think I would be led to cheat on my spouse if he gained 30-40 pounds. For me that would not be a reason to cheat.

So this interview went in a different direction than I had meant it to but I did find out some good stuff. Men want eye candy to have sex with and then he will fall in love and stay with her forever? In a nut shell that is what he said correct? Think about it ladies, if that was not the case there would not be so many nudie bars and strip clubs. When is the last time you seen a strip club on every corner for women? I have to say this interview, as scary as it sounds, there is a lot of truth to what he said.

I would be interested in hearing from some men also.

Thank you, until next time…Ciao!

Catalina

Divorcee Blogger

 

 

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

god is till working on me

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

To the single women out there, are you like me and your focus is where are all the single men.  Are you thinking you know what will make you whole again…a real nice man?  Really?  I am laying here thinking so very different little by little every day.  Don’t get me wrong I backslide a lot.  That loneliness is a mo fo.  Sitting in an apartment alone, is a mutha!  I get up off the couch… I go to the refridgerator… I look then, I close it… I walk in my bedroom and look in there…what am I looking for.  I go in the bathroom, do I need to go?  Not really.  What the hell I will go just a little just for something to do.  I have bought crafts that sit in the bag.  I leave and go get food and there it sits in the fridge because I really wasn’t hungry.

I don’t know what to do with myself because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself.  But I picked up a book and started reading and started looking within and thought, do I really feel ready for a relationship?   I am bothered, it isn’t just about having someone to entertain me anymore, it is deeper than that.  There is something deep inside of me that is trying to tell me something about me.  Like a purpose maybe.  Like men need to not take my focus now.  But I won’t be able to truly grasp what it is because I am so focused on loneliness and whining that I can’t focus on this deeper meaning that I am supposed to be working on myself.  We all have a calling or purpose in this life.  Love is wonderful, romance is beautiful.  There is a reason a man has not shown up in my life now and I need to become aware of that and accept that as a part of a plan not a curse.  Men are not our universe, they are yummy frosting on the cake but they are not the cake…I need to focus on the cake…and so let me start working on finding what ingredients I need for my cake. Why am I looking for frosting when I don’t even have cake yet??? Right now  God is still working on me now…  and if I really get my stuff together…I may even be able to put a cherry on top…woo hoo bet that will be real yummy!!!

I NEEDED HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!

Image

Some guy came on to me today and honey let me tell you he was hot hot.  Total eye candy and I am sure, another kind of candy.  I have my shares of propositions and requests for dates and somehow it just doesn’t work out.  But this guy was tall, handsome, well dressed…he had it all.  He approached me and the way he started talking I knew right away….Player.  He had that “Rico Suave” personality.  He made it very obvious as he looked me up and down and tilted his head and said, “Hey sexy”  Say Whuuut!!! Did I have “Ho” written on my forehead?  I looked at him and put the gas cap back on my car, got in and drove away.

But this isn’t about being treated like a piece of beef.  I can remember wanting to thank some gardeners that drove by and honked at me because I was starving for that assurance so a few months back I would have probably been in some motel room with this Rico Suave.  A few years ago I was starving for my husband to tell me I was pretty, that he loved me, that he appreciated me.  My emotional tank was empty and I blamed it all on my husband because he never showed me love.  Oh how I would beg him to tell me, and of course when he wouldn’t, that would make me feel more depleted than ever. I had a void that I could not feel and it was in the pit of my stomach.  I swear I could feel it when I would cry, it felt so hollow in there.

It was no wonder that I jumped into a relationship so fast because he was saying all the things I needed to hear, words like “love” and “beautiful”.  I was drinking it up.  But what was funny was that he could tell me a million times and I was like a pool with a hole in it.  That relationship obviously didn’t work.

Truthfully I have spent my whole life blaming my husband for being a horrible person because all I wanted was him to show me he loved me.  In my eyes life would have been so much different.  If he could have just showed me love I would have felt better about myself and the would have been full of unicorns and rainbows don’t you know…NOT!

My pool WAS full of holes.  Or rather my tank was empty, bone dry empty.  That lack of love I had for myself made me insecure, jealous, miserable, needy…doesn’t sound like a fun person to be mated with does it.  So after my unsuccessful relationship after my husband, I decided to stay solo, actually it was recommended.

This is when I discovered I have used men as a fix my whole life, to make me feel better because I couldn’t make myself feel better.  I am addicted to love.  When I had no man to focus on, WOW, my marriage that I thought I was doing great getting over all of a sudden was not so easy getting over.  All of a sudden it felt like someone was dying, it was kind of the truth.  My marriage died and I never mourned it because I jumped into another relationship to kill the pain like an alcoholic grabs a bottle to numb his pain.

But without the booze, that alcoholic is going to feel every pain and that is exactly what I did, but that is exactly what I needed to do.  For the first time since we broke up, a year and a half before, I broke down over my marriage.  I was not the Super Woman that I thought I was.  With no man to take my focus off my husband, I realized I was going to miss him dearly.  I spent many a night crying.  I was breaking down at work, in the car.  Everywhere,.  It was controlling me but I had to let it out of my system.

That pain that I experienced was that pain in the hollow in my stomach, it felt so empty.  No teddy bear could  take it away, some days I got extra scary bad but I trudged.  But I stayed single and I started meditating and looking at why did I have such low self-esteem.  No man was going to make me happy, nor would I make any man happy until I figured out where this non-self love was coming from.

I was looking deep within myself for an answer and fast forward to the day when that hot hot guy came on to me.  I thought, who the hell does this guy think I am.  A miracle happened, I don’t know when this happened, how this happened but as I was driving I thought…I have no void.  That empty hollow feeling is gone.  I pulled the rear view mirror at myself and looked deep into my eyes.  “I love you”, I said…I waited for a reaction of a cringe…there wasn’t one.  Opposite, I liked how I felt when I said it.  I had to pull over and text my friend telling her MY VOID IS GONE!!!

People I had this void since I was a little girl, I can’t remember anytime in my life when I didn’t feel that void.  All because I taught myself how to not expect love and approval from other but instead give it to myself.  This came from books I read from Louise Hay and Eckart Tolle.

I am on my way to a better world and like a car with a full tank of gas.  With this full tank, I am going to see the world!!!!!