Tag Archive | Dating

Do You Tell A New Date You Have Depression?

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To tell or not to tell, that is the question. If you suffer from Depression, Bipolar or other diseases of the mind, do you tell someone you want to date?

If so…

When is the right time to tell them? Before you date? On the first date? Or when you feel you know them better?

If not…

Is this deceiving them?

If the tables were turned, would you want to know?

Why do you feel you have to hide it from them?

This is a tough question, especially if you are dating with purpose. What is your criteria on if to or not to tell? Maybe you feel it is not their business, or is it because you fear rejection? So lets buy some time and date for awhile and see if you feel serious enough about this person to let him know such a personal side of you. So is it wrong to give it time so the other person starts to feel feelings and how dare you allow me to develop feelings for you only to find out you are mentally ill.

This is just an article to open your eyes to what people with a mental illness face when dating. I remember dating this guy and we both developed feelings. In the midst of telling her all the wonderful things he was doing and how happy I was, she asked, “Does he know you have Bipolar?”

I looked at her with hurt and disgust. “Mom, you think he would care? He said he loved me.” That night I told him, by the way I am Bipolar, not the bad kind. I get depressed.” Why didn’t I notice the silence after that. He said he had a migraine and had to go home. Ok, I did know he had migraines. Ok, he should go home and lay down, I thought.

A week went by, then a month…no call…didn’t answer MY calls. It died. He left me like my husband.

My last text to him was, I am the same person you fell in love with, I didn’t change…

you did. Thank you for helping me see the real you.

 

 

When You Think Nobody Will Ever Compare to Your Ex


So you are back to dating, yet you find yourself comparing or looking for someone like your ex.

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Nothing Compares To You

There is a reason why you feel nobody measures up to your ex.

You are not quite ready to date.

What is the solution you ask? Good question!

First of all it depends how long you have been single. The healing process is different for everyone, but if you find yourself still rejecting everyone because he doesn’t have the nice biceps like your ex, or he just isn’t as handsome as your ex…ok, we have a problem.

You need to read my blog “Disengage and Let Go” because chickee he is not your man anymore so let it go! I am being serious, the assignment is learning to let go, move on, bury the corpse…IT’S DEAD!

On the opposite side of the scale you may be a new divorcee that is trying to numb the pain with a man. For you, no man. Sorry, your assignment is to learn to sit with your pain. Allow yourself to grieve completely or else you will be dating on the rebound. There is no rush, relax and heal before moving on.

Then we have the one similar to the stuck in the past person. Ask yourself who do you miss? What you wish he was like or what he used to be like. I’m sure you were on your best behavior when you met him. Probably didn’t poop in the same house for months.  Guess what, so was he.

You need to remember reality like uh, you are not together. Uh, maybe he remarried. What is the truth of the situation? Well then time to get him off the pedestal and realize it’s over and maybe you are living in wish land.

Dating is harder for some especially if your mind is on the ex. After proper grieving, let it go and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

14 Logical Ways to Know You May Be Dating Mr. Right!

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In order to find a good man we need to think ahead about what we want in a man.  The traits I accumulated are key to finding a great guy.

No more settling.  No more Mr. Losers for us.  Because we are perfect women and this time around we want a man who is going to be worthy of us.  I have searched the web and came up with these 14 traits, gestures and behaviors that I found the most important to finding Mr. Wonderful.

Now first, very important.  You are not going to pull out a clip board and question him.  These are to remembered so they sound natural if you need to ask questions.  The key is to talk about everything and to casually in a conversation mode, even ask questions.

TRAITS WE WANT IN A MAN

  • He asks questions, not just answers yours. Him asking if you like oral doesn’t count.  This guy will ask things to get to know who you are. He wants to know your favorite food, your passions, and even what you are looking for in a man.
  • Asks about your family, and doesn’t hide his.  Family values are important and if he asks you in proper time to meet his wonderful family, that means he wants to show you off to people he loves.
  • Not chauvinistic,  but chivalry is not dead.  He is not the kind of man who expects you to serve him as he lays out on the couch drinking his tall bud.  He doesn’t expect you to draw his bath.  He seems like the kind of guy that will get in and help you cook dinner and do the dishes.  Gee whiz! So he is about equality, but he treats you like a princess and opens doors for you, pulls your chair out.
  • No temper issues: I was married to an abuser with a horrid temper so this is a good one.  Want to test his temper, have him drive you two somewhere during rush hour on the freeway.  Are you noticing his temper rising and everyone else that is driving is an idiot.  The worst thing is he tells off everyone in the other cars…as if they could hear him.  Ugh, we need gentle peaceful men.
  • Makes you feel good no matter if you are in sweats or dress but it is authentic.  Now I am not saying to walk around in lard covered sweats and not brush your teeth.  I am talking clean, no make-up and he still acts like you are some hot super model.  Or at least that you are cute.
  • Apologizes when wrong.  So important, a man who cannot admit when he is wrong is all wrong! You do not want a man who has too big of pride that refuses to admit he is wrong.  If he is late to pick you up (which should not be happening anyways) but he is sorry and is trying to make it up to you.
  • Listens to your problems.  I am not talking, “Uh huh, really, oh”, I mean actively listening to your issues at hand.  Now mind you men have a tendency to think you are asking for a solution.  Don’t forget to listen to him back.
  • Not afraid to bring up goal with you.  Does he say stuff like, you are the kind of woman I would love to spend the rest of my life with.  Ok maybe even, asking if you could date exclusively.  This is a sign that he is not commitment phobic.  A man that says he doesn’t want to get serious, is someone who you are never going to get anywhere with.  Advice…run, don’t walk!
  • You are a priority.  You matter to him.  Not to mention he makes sure you know how important you are to him.
  • Respectful.  First time you hear anything like stupid, idiot, any disrespectful language that makes you sound like a lesser person.  Does he treat you with respect, doesn’t raise his voice to you.  This is very important.
  • Surprises you with sweet things.  Awe, what a sweet-ums!  Brings you flowers, maybe even picked it for you.  Brings you over a DVD to watch, and it just so happens to be your favorite movie.  Ah he really was listening!
  • Got act together.  We are not material girls, at least we shouldn’t be.  At the same time, we should be selective and want a man that is gainfully employed, doesn’t ride a 10-speed.  His finances are in order, maybe owns a home, but maybe he has his own apartment.  Something that tells you he has ambition and is responsible.  Does he work, is it a good job.  It could be a McDonalds manager, I am not downgrading anyone.  But come one if you want to go out with me you must have a J.O.B.
  • Work history:  Ok so we know he has a J.O.B., but what is his history with work.  Does he jump around and goes periods where there is no work, or does he have a 35-year-old pension because he has worked at the same company his whole life.  During this economy I realize there are men that are out of work and I am not dissing anyone.  But realistically, if you are having problems with work, you don’t need to be thinking about dating for now.  There are other priorities you need to think about.  I went on a date with a man who was on GR and true story, took me out to eat on his EBT card.  That ended real fast.
  • Great close relationship with family and friends.  If everyone in his life has abandoned him, even his mother.  Then you need to wonder why.  No friends either, wow.  Unless he is new to the area, he should have family somewhere, right?  Be wary if you are not introduced to anyone.

Remember, we are asking for some great qualities so you have to think about what are you bringing to the table.  Nobody in this world is perfect, we are going to have flaws.  Growth is about recognizing those flaws and always working to make you the best you can be,.

Happy Dating!

GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

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GOD IS STILL WORKING ON ME

To the single women out there, are you like me and your focus is where are all the single men.  Are you thinking you know what will make you whole again…a real nice man?  Really?  I am laying here thinking so very different little by little every day.  Don’t get me wrong I backslide a lot.  That loneliness is a mo fo.  Sitting in an apartment alone, is a mutha!  I get up off the couch… I go to the refridgerator… I look then, I close it… I walk in my bedroom and look in there…what am I looking for.  I go in the bathroom, do I need to go?  Not really.  What the hell I will go just a little just for something to do.  I have bought crafts that sit in the bag.  I leave and go get food and there it sits in the fridge because I really wasn’t hungry.

I don’t know what to do with myself because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself.  But I picked up a book and started reading and started looking within and thought, do I really feel ready for a relationship?   I am bothered, it isn’t just about having someone to entertain me anymore, it is deeper than that.  There is something deep inside of me that is trying to tell me something about me.  Like a purpose maybe.  Like men need to not take my focus now.  But I won’t be able to truly grasp what it is because I am so focused on loneliness and whining that I can’t focus on this deeper meaning that I am supposed to be working on myself.  We all have a calling or purpose in this life.  Love is wonderful, romance is beautiful.  There is a reason a man has not shown up in my life now and I need to become aware of that and accept that as a part of a plan not a curse.  Men are not our universe, they are yummy frosting on the cake but they are not the cake…I need to focus on the cake…and so let me start working on finding what ingredients I need for my cake. Why am I looking for frosting when I don’t even have cake yet??? Right now  God is still working on me now…  and if I really get my stuff together…I may even be able to put a cherry on top…woo hoo bet that will be real yummy!!!

I NEEDED HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!

 

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Some guy came on to me today and honey let me tell you he was hot hot.  Total eye candy and I am sure, another kind of candy.  I have my shares of propositions and requests for dates and somehow it just doesn’t work out.  But this guy was tall, handsome, well dressed…he had it all.  He approached me and the way he started talking I knew right away….Player.  He had that “Rico Suave” personality.  He made it very obvious as he looked me up and down and tilted his head and said, “Hey sexy”  Say Whuuut!!! Did I have “Ho” written on my forehead?  I looked at him and put the gas cap back on my car, got in and drove away.

But this isn’t about being treated like a piece of beef.  I can remember wanting to thank some gardeners that drove by and honked at me because I was starving for that assurance so a few months back I would have probably been in some motel room with this Rico Suave.  A few years ago I was starving for my husband to tell me I was pretty, that he loved me, that he appreciated me.  My emotional tank was empty and I blamed it all on my husband because he never showed me love.  Oh how I would beg him to tell me, and of course when he wouldn’t, that would make me feel more depleted than ever. I had a void that I could not feel and it was in the pit of my stomach.  I swear I could feel it when I would cry, it felt so hollow in there.

It was no wonder that I jumped into a relationship so fast because he was saying all the things I needed to hear, words like “love” and “beautiful”.  I was drinking it up.  But what was funny was that he could tell me a million times and I was like a pool with a hole in it.  That relationship obviously didn’t work.

Truthfully I have spent my whole life blaming my husband for being a horrible person because all I wanted was him to show me he loved me.  In my eyes life would have been so much different.  If he could have just showed me love I would have felt better about myself and the would have been full of unicorns and rainbows don’t you know…NOT!

My pool WAS full of holes.  Or rather my tank was empty, bone dry empty.  That lack of love I had for myself made me insecure, jealous, miserable, needy…doesn’t sound like a fun person to be mated with does it.  So after my unsuccessful relationship after my husband, I decided to stay solo, actually it was recommended.

This is when I discovered I have used men as a fix my whole life, to make me feel better because I couldn’t make myself feel better.  I am addicted to love.  When I had no man to focus on, WOW, my marriage that I thought I was doing great getting over all of a sudden was not so easy getting over.  All of a sudden it felt like someone was dying, it was kind of the truth.  My marriage died and I never mourned it because I jumped into another relationship to kill the pain like an alcoholic grabs a bottle to numb his pain.

But without the booze, that alcoholic is going to feel every pain and that is exactly what I did, but that is exactly what I needed to do.  For the first time since we broke up, a year and a half before, I broke down over my marriage.  I was not the Super Woman that I thought I was.  With no man to take my focus off my husband, I realized I was going to miss him dearly.  I spent many a night crying.  I was breaking down at work, in the car.  Everywhere,.  It was controlling me but I had to let it out of my system.

That pain that I experienced was that pain in the hollow in my stomach, it felt so empty.  No teddy bear could  take it away, some days I got extra scary bad but I trudged.  But I stayed single and I started meditating and looking at why did I have such low self-esteem.  No man was going to make me happy, nor would I make any man happy until I figured out where this non-self love was coming from.

I was looking deep within myself for an answer and fast forward to the day when that hot hot guy came on to me.  I thought, who the hell does this guy think I am.  A miracle happened, I don’t know when this happened, how this happened but as I was driving I thought…I have no void.  That empty hollow feeling is gone.  I pulled the rear view mirror at myself and looked deep into my eyes.  “I love you”, I said…I waited for a reaction of a cringe…there wasn’t one.  Opposite, I liked how I felt when I said it.  I had to pull over and text my friend telling her MY VOID IS GONE!!!

People, I had this void since I was a little girl, I can’t remember anytime in my life when I didn’t feel that void.  All because I taught myself how to not expect love and approval from other but instead give it to myself.  This came from books I read from Louise Hay and Eckart Tolle.

I am on my way to a better world and like a car with a full tank of gas.  With this full tank, I am going to see the world!!!!!

CLIMBING FOR LOVE…

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CLIMB FOR LOVE…

Oh the webs we weave…ok! My quest for love continues. It is a journey that I continue to climb the highest mountain in pursuit of it.

The mountain I left didn’t have it, my husband. I climbed it all the way to the top. Oh, what a jagged, rocky high mountain it was. Full of peaks and loose rocks. So many times I lost my footage but I continued my climb sure that I would find what I was looking for.  If I pushed forward and could just reach the top.  But two peaks up, and I would fall three peaks down.

What took years to climb, left me battered exhausted and depleted. As I sat on the mountain top overseeing the vast blue yonder, I realized that there was nothing there I was looking for. My journey was not for nothing, because it taught me how to climb another mountain and what to expect. Then the next relationship came, I realized this mountain I must leave behind and I started my climb down leaving it behind.

So now I stand at the crest of all these new mountains promising new journeys and adventures. But I am told to stay in the valley and rest awhile from the brutal climb of that very large mountain I had just left. My wounds have not yet healed from the rocks that nicked me and bruised me. I have not even caught my breath from that exhausting climb down from that enormous mountain and already I want to jump on and start climbing again. Rest a while. Catch your breath. Let those wounds heal. Relax and gaze at the various mountains and decide which mountain you would like to climb and not just jump on the first one.

I use this as a metaphor for my inability to stay still with no man.  When I first broke up with my ex, it was like I had to get a man fix right away.  Sadly when we do this it is only to run from the pain from our first relationship.

I have been single for over two years now and am finally learning what I want and don’t want in a man.  Jumping too fast in a relationship to avoid the loneliness and pain will make you less than selective.  It is important to take a step back.  Connect with yourself and meeting your own needs.

I am learning to look for love inside myself.  So far so good!

TEACH ME HOW TO BE SINGLE!

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TEACH ME HOW TO BE SINGLE!

The concept of being alone to “find myself” scares me. What exactly am I finding? What does this mean? Am I on the back of a milk carton reported missing? Because last time I check I never lost myself. Does it mean learning how to be in a room with no other people all by yourself. Now it is a test. You are allowed to have a television, radio and best of all phone and computer but no other human with you. You have to be able to withstand being without a man in your life most importantly. No sex, no cuddling, no tender kissing, none of this. Is this what they are talking about?

So if I have male attention I won’t be able to find this something that is lost about myself…am I on the right track? I am hoping someone who has all wisdom is out there reading this. Some guru of the Universe and knows of this special wisdom I will attain if I abstain from male companionship.

How long does it take for this special wisdom to hit me? Is it like a bolt of lightning? Or does it come slowly, and how will I know when I finally get this special wisdom? Is it that kind of thing where you say, oh don’t worry, you’ll know, believe me, you’ll know. Because I am thinking this is something like those Buddist Monks do in Tibbet where they abstain from all Earthly temptations to perfect their souls and is this what I am doing? Will I have to wear some white kind of diaper, burn incense and sit in a yogi position?

I am just asking!