Road Trip To Self Love…Buddhism

It has been one week that I (ran away from home) to find my brave. I have battled the frigid cold, wind, lived on Ensure for a couple of days. I had to find a thrift store because I packed like it was Summer and silly me, it is still Winter in San Bernardino. But I am surviving.
 
A monastery I found called me day before yesterday and invited me over for lunch. I had left the a note seeking counsel as I had been battling depression for my entire life and that was the reason I left. My depression returned and I was hearing everything from I had been faking for attention to being scolded for not being strong enough to snap myself out of it had pushed me to the edge. thoughts of ending it had begun to be my daily norm and that scared me. This invitation was a God send.
 
Jay informed me to arrive by 10:30 a.m. and stated that the monks loved cheeseburgers, so bring plenty.
 
When I arrived, there stood an elderly man with orange fabric draped over his body and an orange head wrap. He stood still and at first glance I thought he was a statue. His skin was very bronze. I parked and he commanded me, “Come, now!” Oh shit, I thought, grabbed the cheeseburgers and followed him into the house.
 
The elder I learned, was Ajahn, meaning master or teacher. A large bearded gentleman came in, “I’m Jay, we spoke on the phone.” Jay would stay by my side the entire time to guide me on etiquette, translation and guidance.
 
We stepped over to very colorful artifact of candles, Buddhas, flowers, insense…so many things. Jay guided me to light three incense sticks and I knelt on the floor while Adjan had me repeat what he was saying three times. He only spoke Thai and it was hard repeating what he said.
 
This was a ceremony for offering my cheeseburgers to them. I put my hands together in praying form and mumbled what he was saying as it was in Thai and I had no idea how to say them. A few times he would say something over loud, I guess I said it wrong. Then at one point as a blessing he wopped me on the head with a wet small broom.
 
At the end, he tied a red yard bracelet on my wrist.  I thought, yay, let’s eat. Not the case.
 
In come in two ladies with bowls and bowls of food. Then we were instructed to sit back and Ajahn hit this big gong and the Monks came in and sat at the table. The monks eat first and when they are done they invite us over to the four corners of the tables and we hold on to the table and we started praying getting permission to eat what the monks left.
 
Everything was spicy, but I did try almost everything. This is when I started talking to Chinda, she was the wife of the president to the Wat Buddhavas. She was curious who I was and I explained that I was tent camping nearby. Oh like Pratyeka Buddhas, Jay explained those were the Buddhist who retreat into nature to enlighten themselves. Jay explained my entire situation with my permission.
 
Chinda got very emotional. She explained that I was there for a reason. She and her entire family suffer from depression. She had a son at 16 commit suicide. Then her mother was found in her bed by her brother stabbed and mutilated. The entire family’s depression has become worse but thanks to the teachings of Buddha, she is getting better without medication.
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The rest of the day we walked around the beautiful peaceful grounds and did some rituals and praying and meditation.
 
It is early morning the next day and I am going to get ready and go over there again. I came to my tent and fell asleep early. I was so exhausted. Jay left me with one phrase:
 
Who is there for you with love and compassion when you are sick, hold onto them, that is life’s way of showing you who is true.
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The Support You Need is Out There…

driving away

I packed my bags, and jus started driving to destination unknown. I got mad, I have been a caterpillar way too long. It’s time to break out of this cocoon that threatened to suffocate me. Time to do what feels uncomfortable, drive, venture out, and alone.

Continue reading “The Support You Need is Out There…”

Do You Tell A New Date You Have Depression?

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To tell or not to tell, that is the question. If you suffer from Depression, Bipolar or other diseases of the mind, do you tell someone you want to date?

If so…

When is the right time to tell them? Before you date? On the first date? Or when you feel you know them better?

If not…

Is this deceiving them?

If the tables were turned, would you want to know?

Why do you feel you have to hide it from them?

This is a tough question, especially if you are dating with purpose. What is your criteria on if to or not to tell? Maybe you feel it is not their business, or is it because you fear rejection? So lets buy some time and date for awhile and see if you feel serious enough about this person to let him know such a personal side of you. So is it wrong to give it time so the other person starts to feel feelings and how dare you allow me to develop feelings for you only to find out you are mentally ill.

This is just an article to open your eyes to what people with a mental illness face when dating. I remember dating this guy and we both developed feelings. In the midst of telling her all the wonderful things he was doing and how happy I was, she asked, “Does he know you have Bipolar?”

I looked at her with hurt and disgust. “Mom, you think he would care? He said he loved me.” That night I told him, by the way I am Bipolar, not the bad kind. I get depressed.” Why didn’t I notice the silence after that. He said he had a migraine and had to go home. Ok, I did know he had migraines. Ok, he should go home and lay down, I thought.

A week went by, then a month…no call…didn’t answer MY calls. It died. He left me like my husband.

My last text to him was, I am the same person you fell in love with, I didn’t change…

you did. Thank you for helping me see the real you.

 

 

Just Make It One More Night

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Sometimes the darkness in your mind

Sometimes the piercing in your heart

Sometimes it’s just much too much

 

Daydreams of eternal peace

Eternal rest

Free from grief

Free to breathe

Heaven signifies

That God’s arms

Become my home

For evermore

 

Stop Stop Stop

 

Don’t listen to the lies!

 

The Sun is a promise

that never fails

The warmth of the morn

is not far away

 

Sit with your pain

holding tight

just till dawn

when the Earth brings light

 

Your pain comes from you

your child within

were you not loved?

were you not nurtured?

or maybe not enough?

 

Listen to your pain

she weeps from your soul

cradle her softly

 

tell her she’s not alone

 

 

Hum her sweet melodies

just don’t let go

fast asleep in your own arms

both have sweet dreams

 

Gently you awaken

feeling warmth from within

you blink at at the suns glow

no darkness in site

 

you made it one more night

 

Some of us have voids in our soul

Maybe as a child our needs went unmet

Will you also ignore that child that’s you?

Will you tell her you have others things to do?

She needs you as she has all through the years

be the one to mother and nurture lovingly

hold her in your arms as she weeps all night

Remind her she never has to be alone anymore

 

watch and see…

 

You made it again…one more night…

Alone With My Thinking

pexels-photo-808711.jpegAlone with my thinking

darkness stretches all nightlong

This is how my evenings stretch

but I continue to be strong

 

My shell looks unscathed

in one solid piece with no flaws

but if my skin were transparent

the world would see it all

 

Crimson red from rips in my heart

tear ducts shriveled and parched

the quiet pain and torment

leaving my soul void and famished

 

Ask me how I’m doing

my eyes crinkle smiling large

“Fine, but how are you?”

relief depression shows no scars

 

Alone with thoughts

just another day

disguising I’m really ok

but inside I feel so far away

 

 

 

 

Break-ups and Depression

Screenshot_20170318-020137Separating from my husband made me face an ongoing issue I have struggled with since I can remember,I have depression. The kind of depression Robin Williams suffered from.

Going through a devastating challenge like realizing my husband was now in love with someone else, didn’t work great with this depression.

Life was never easy for me. I married an abusive man, raised my two children, went to work, lather, rinse repeat. Life became a routine. Yes, my severe battle with depression was bad, but I could smile and jest and fool the world. Well, except for my daughter who asked me one time if I could smile more as we were going to After School Night. She wanted me to not act like a robot.

I made it my mission to be much more fun with my children after she said that. I played more, read more stories, played pretend and just really tried hard to make it seem like I wasn’t hurting all the time.

Fast forward to several years ago. My husband of almost 30 years no longer wanted to be married to me, never loved me. In fact was in love with someone younger and fine I could live in the same house with him, but he made damn sure I knew that I better respect his wishes that it was over and reminded me he had a great new life to live and no, it didn’t include me. So I could stay at the house his mother left him as long as I didn’t start any problems with his new woman, and the ones he kept on the side. Did I mention that my kids are now adults didn’t need stories read to them at bedtime?

Up until four years ago, I never realized what a tough job it was just getting through life. My children may beg to differ, but there was no hiding from this thing called depression now.

My new journey in life is about starting over. The hard thing was how do you do that when there are days you can barely lift your head off the pillow.

This is my journey. My journey upwards that is.

No Matter

How You Feel

Get Up

Dress Up

Show Up

and never give up…

Depression Kills…Please Make This Viral

 

This is so hard to watch, many will turn it off immediately and think, how negative!  Consider it more negative if we continue to dismiss that suicide increases by leaps and bounds everyday.  Why is that when there are so many new pills out.  Shouldn’t these depressed people get over it by now.  Geez, aren’t we tired of their attention seeking Debbie Downer attitude.

And that my friend is the reason that that approximately 96 people take their own lives everyday.  This is especially from those who have suffered from depression for decades, like myself.  47 years of reaching out, takes its toll on those who have to listen, I know this. So the depressed, seeing people pull away from them, find themselves isolated and instead keep their dark thoughts to themselves. They have burdened every friend, family member and wow…they see they don’t feel better, in fact because of the isolation and loneliness… it is actually worse.

Medications are not the solution, trust me, they do not work for most of us. If one talks to those who survived depression they all answer the same thing. The medication doesn’t work but more so, there are so many loss of connection.

The stigma against people with any type of disease that is in our heads is making it so people stop reaching out. If you are like me and have suffered all your life, people get tired of hearing about it. Many times you hear, if you really wanted to do it, you would have done it. You are seen as an attention seeker and get to the point where you just stop reaching out and eventually you become so isolated that you begin the believe the lies your brain is telling you.

At the end of the video is a hotline if you or somebody you love suffers…please call. Suicide is not the solution and believe it or not there are people out there that care. Don’t let peoples ignorance or cruelty push you. Reach out…just never stop trying….

SUICIDE IS PREVENTABLE!

Special acknowledgement to Spoken Poet, Joyner Lucas in “I’m Sorry”. I never heard of him and not sure how I came across this, but wow! I was captivated. It is about time we have a person in the industry that isn’t just about Blow me ho! or Shake dat azz and such.  His music has a real message that we cannot continue to run from because it makes us uncomfortable.