Separating from my husband made me face an ongoing issue I have struggled with since I can remember,I have depression. The kind of depression Robin Williams suffered from.
Going through a devastating challenge like realizing my husband was now in love with someone else, didn’t work great with this depression.
Life was never easy for me. I married an abusive man, raised my two children, went to work, lather, rinse repeat. Life became a routine. Yes, my severe battle with depression was bad, but I could smile and jest and fool the world. Well, except for my daughter who asked me one time if I could smile more as we were going to After School Night. She wanted me to not act like a robot.
I made it my mission to be much more fun with my children after she said that. I played more, read more stories, played pretend and just really tried hard to make it seem like I wasn’t hurting all the time.
Fast forward to several years ago. My husband of almost 30 years no longer wanted to be married to me, never loved me. In fact was in love with someone younger and fine I could live in the same house with him, but he made damn sure I knew that I better respect his wishes that it was over and reminded me he had a great new life to live and no, it didn’t include me. So I could stay at the house his mother left him as long as I didn’t start any problems with his new woman, and the ones he kept on the side. Did I mention that my kids are now adults didn’t need stories read to them at bedtime?
Up until four years ago, I never realized what a tough job it was just getting through life. My children may beg to differ, but there was no hiding from this thing called depression now.
My new journey in life is about starting over. The hard thing was how do you do that when there are days you can barely lift your head off the pillow.
This is my journey. My journey upwards that is.
How You Feel
and never give up…
What happened to the girl that I was 4 years ago? I was on top of the world, shooting out blogs, feeling empowered, being independent. Four years later I find myself renting a room from my ex. Yeah, I know laugh, I would too if it weren’t so darn humiliating. How did it get to this?
With my income, and jet-setting here and there traveling (so I maxed out some credit cards), I found myself unable to afford my apartment. Renting a room from families I did not know was a disaster so when my ex said he would rent me a room for $200 a month! I jumped on it. He told me I would have the money to pay off bills, travel…it seems like all the answers to my prayers.
There was one problem. The friend he called friend…that was a girl…turned out to be a girlfriend. This information did not become public until after we became intimate…yeah, yeah more on that later.
I would be on the couch watching television and I saw him showering and whoah, the amount of cologne he put on reminded me of the old disco days where the men bathed in Polo and shirt buttons left open to expose the Tom Selleck like chest hairs. I would sit there thinking, don’t say anything, don’t say anything. I almost made it but as he headed out the door I heard my self calling out sarcastically, have fun.
Then there came little Tupperware containers of food she cooked for him. Now I am not one to brag but, I am pretty damn good and what she was making him made my daughter and I laugh.
Around Valentines day I saw him rush in with a shopping bag…was it Victoria’s Secret?
Wait, why was all this bothering me? Was I, uh, jealous? OH MY GOD! My stomach would turn and I would want to say something sarcastic. But then it got worse I found myself truly sad. I don’t think I wanted him back but I didn’t like how he was wining and dining her and getting all fixed up.
I am really depressed and feeling how unfair life is. My marriage is truly over and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Was this why I was led back? Was this my lesson that he was putting it in my face that he has moved on and I have no choice but to do the same.
One step forward, two steps back. Ok, there is going to be times you feel like you are back sliding but it should serve as a reminder of what you should not go back to. I never want to live with the pain I had to deal with everyday, Breathe, this too shall pass.
Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of you history, but not part of your destiny.
Waiting To Heal From Divorce?
Do you find yourself asking when will I stop hurting? I asked for 30 years, I still catch myself asking. I find myself irritated, why does it bug me that he is dating when he seems like life is peaches and orgasms. Why was he able to move on so easily? Then it can escalate, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!
Then it occurs to me.
Oh yeah, I got married because to me it was true love…
Oh yeah, I have some values and virtue and I’m selective and not going to just jump in the sack with the first Joe Schmo that says, “Do you work at Subway, cause you just gave me a foot long!”
And I’d be, Oh my God, I just gave a man an erection! It must be true love!
Oh yeah, then I remember he was a horrible husband and I was MISERABLE!!
And I smile and go about my day!
Believe it! I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s. I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses. How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years. Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.
When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.
EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried? Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?
I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.
This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be. I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.
He said that he was the man he was today because of me. I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you. Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.
He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.
I could not stop the tears as I told him that I loved this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left. Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…
I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more. So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else. I see how he treats the girl he was dating now. He got bored and wants new meat. That is not what I want for myself.
So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons. This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy. This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there. I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.
Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again. It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.
For now, home is where mama is!
Oh if only he would repent for effing around with that two bit ho from across the street after I dedicated life to him and put him through college. Just a little remorse would soften the blow.
Maybe he spent your life’s savings. Or Made you the laughing stock of the family. Or worse he hurt you physically so bad and made it so public.
The worst apologies are the ones that never come but do you know those are the most necessary ones.
Always remember we forgive those apologies the most, the ones that never come. We forgive for us because we need to heal. We forgive because we need to release resentment.
Those are the apologies we need to forgive the most. And for Pete’s Sake, get that look off your face. You think holding on onto your resentment makes you strong, bitter is more like it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean your are a wimp, it releases you from negativity….
So you are back to dating, yet you find yourself comparing or looking for someone like your ex.