Depression

When Will You Ever Heal?

What happened to the girl that I was 4 years ago? I was on top of the world, shooting out blogs, feeling empowered, being independent. Four years later I find myself renting a room from my ex. Yeah, I know laugh, I would too if it weren’t so darn humiliating.  How did it get to this?

With my income, and jet-setting here and there traveling (so I maxed out some credit cards), I found myself unable to afford my own apartment. Renting a room from families I did not know was a disaster so when my ex said he would rent me a room for $200 a month! I jumped on it.  He told me I would have the money to pay off bills, travel…it seems like all the answers to my prayers.

There was one problem. The friend he called friend…that was a girl…turned out to be a girlfriend. This information did not become public until after we became intimate…yeah yeah more on that later.

I would be on the couch watching television and I saw him showering and whoa the amount of cologne he put on reminded me of the old disco days where the men bathed in Polo and shirt buttons left open to expose the Tom Selleck like chest hairs. I would sit there thinking, don’t say anything, don’t say anything. I almost made it but as he headed out the door I heard my self calling out sarcastically, have fun.

Then there came little Tupperware containers of food she cooked for him. Now I am not one to brag but, I am pretty damn good and what she was making him made my daughter and I laugh.

Around Valentines day I saw him rush in with a shopping bag…was it Victoria’s Secret?

Wait why was all this bothering me? Was I, uh, jealous? OH MY GOD! My stomach would turn and I would want to say something sarcastic. But then it got worse I found myself truly sad. I don’t think I wanted him back but I didn’t like how he was wining and dining her and getting all fixed up.

I am really depressed and feeling how unfair life is. My marriage is truly over and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Was this why I was led back? Was this my lesson that he was putting it in my face that he has moved on and I have no choice but to do the same.

One step forward, two steps back. Ok, there is going to be times you feel like you are back sliding but it should serve as a reminder of what you should not go back to. I never want to live with the pain I had to deal with everyday, Breathe, this too shall pass.

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

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Remember Why You are Apart

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Do you find yourself asking when will I stop hurting? I asked for 30 years, I still catch myself asking. I find myself irritated, why does it bug me that he is dating when he seems like life is peaches and orgasms. Why was he able to move on so easily? Then it can escalate, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

Then it occurs to me.

Oh yeah, I got married because to me it was true love…

Oh yeah, I have some values and virtue and I’m selective and not going to just jump in the sack with the first Joe Schmo that says, “Do you work at Subway, cause you just gave me a foot long!”

And I’d be, Oh my God, I just gave a man an erection! It must be true love!

Puleeeze!

Oh yeah, then I remember he was a horrible husband and I was MISERABLE!!

And I smile and go about my day!

I’m Renting a Room At My Ex’s Home!

I'm Renting a Room From My ExBelieve it!  I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s.  I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses.  How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years.  Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.

When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.

EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried?  Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would  all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?

I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.

This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.

He said that he was the man he was today because of me.  I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you.  Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.

He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.

I could not stop the tears as I told him that I lived this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left.  Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…

I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more.  So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else.  I see how he treats the girl he was dating now.  He got bored and wants new meat.  That is not what I want for myself.

So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons.  This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy.  This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there.  I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.

Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again.  It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.

For now, home is where mama is!

No Apology, Who Cares I Can Still Heal!

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The apologies that never comes

Oh if only he would repent for effing around with that two bit ho from across the street after you gave your life to him and put him through college. Just a little remorse would soften the blow.

Maybe he spent your life’s savings. Or Made you the laughing stock of the family. Or worse he hurt you physically so bad and made it so public.

The worst apologies are the ones that never come but do you know those are the most necessary ones.

Always remember we forgive those apologies the most, the ones that never come. We forgive for us because we need to heal. We forgive because we need to release resentment.

Those are the apologies we need to forgive the most.

When You Think Nobody Will Ever Compare to Your Ex


So you are back to dating, yet you find yourself comparing or looking for someone like your ex.

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Nothing Compares To You

There is a reason why you feel nobody measures up to your ex.

You are not quite ready to date.

What is the solution you ask? Good question!

First of all it depends how long you have been single. The healing process timeline is different for everyone, but if you find yourself still rejecting everyone because he doesn’t look the way you want in the last thing you bought your ex, a Bee Gees concert t-shirt you bought back in 1983, we have an issue.

You need to read up on my Disengage and Let Go category because chickee he is not your man anymore so let it go! So this type of person has an assignment. Learning to let go, move on, bury the corpse…IT’S DEAD!

On the opposite side of the scale we have the newly divorcee that is trying to numb the pain with a man. For you, your assignment is to feel your pain. Allow yourself to grieve completely or else you will be dating on the rebound. There is no rush, relax and heal before moving on.

Then we have the kinda similar to the stuck in the past person. Ask yourself who do you miss? What you wish he was like or what he used to be like. I’m sure you were on your best behavior when you met him. Probably didn’t poop in the same house for months.  Guess what, so was he.

You need to remember reality like uh, you are not together. Uh, maybe he remarried. What is the truth of the situation? Well then time to get him off the pedestal and realize it’s over and maybe you are living in wish land.

Dating is harder for some especially if your mind is on the ex. Let it go and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

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We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.

Another Excuse to Cheat, The Grass Is Greener…

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This blog is in response to the comments I received about the interview I did with a 47-year old single male.  This was an interview about what do men really want from a woman.  It started out on the right track about inner qualities but wait till you hear what happened.

I asked what do men really want out of a woman. I was quite surprised at how much he opened up and how frank he was..  The qualities I asked about were personality traits and made it clear to forget about beauty because this is what men always talk about. I was more concerned on the inner qualities.

After saying the sense of humor, affectionate etc, the interview ended up being about why women need to keep themselves groomed and beautiful and toned.  If your weight is too high, she better lose it or her man’s eye is going to wander at women with tight clothes and bikinis.  My interviewee was adamant also that a woman needs to take care of her significant others sexual needs because this too will make him stray when she doesn’t.  I said, “You know this is going to create a backlash.”  I said it playfully, but I knew it would.

Here are some comments I received in my blog but mostly my Face Book.

Claire from,  lovetoreadlovetowrite703.net is a beautiful poet and writes about everything from dogs to avatars.  Fascinating poet.  But I loved what she commented, “Not too surprised. Men vary of course, but they do tend to be a lot more physically inclined than us.”

I  agree, so we ask, are all men going to be eye wanderers because they are always looking for that green green grass?

A reader, who I will call, Mary, she stated the following:  “I’ve always known men were that shallow…but to add to what he said, you can be that sexy eye candy to your man and fulfill all his sexual desires and be the ideal girl to him.  Yet, a man will always find any excuse to stray.  It’s sad but unfortunately it’s a risk you always have to be willing to take when it comes to being in a relationship. Men can just be shallow that way. Especially considering that no man will ever go out of their way to be what we want them to be or do what they know we like and would attract us.  Yet, us women bend over backwards at times just fit this mold of wants. We even go the extra mile to just to keep them happy and satisfied! It’s hard!”

I really like that comment.  Let’s look at Hale Berry and Sandra Bullock, there may have been other factors we don’t know about, but how do you keep up yourself more beautiful than that and still get betrayed?

A Mrs. Storm questioned, “Not all men are like that. I know my uncles & dad sure weren’t. Is the modern man like that?

Which ties in with Mr. Cole’s question, “I disagree with at least 3/4 of what he said. Period. Can you say around how old he is?”  After I told him 47 he continues, “I don’t think most men, at least older men are that shallow”.

A Ms. Jimenez writes, “Some men are just immature.”

Say it Ms. Jimenez!

Another inspiring author from the blog theaccidentalpoet.net, commented, “Admittedly, I have often found myself looking at “fit” women more. I know that’s rather shallow, but somehow I feel as though I was wired that way. What I look for MOST in a woman, however, is someone who has love and respect for others, who has a grasp on spirituality, and who is creative and spontaneous. …Now in my mid 50’s, I am more interested in what’s on the inside than what’s on the outside. I was really drawn to “the body” of the woman in my teens and twenties. I like to think I’ve evolved somewhat in my “prime” years.   This man knows his stuff, he has written forever but what is so inspiring is how his writing changed him.  Read his blog to better understand his story, intriguing!

The accidental poet gives me a better understanding of what a good man should evolve into. He mentioned feeling he was “wired” to look at beautiful or fit women but as he matured it changed.
I knew he could pull it down for us, as well as Mr. Cole.

This is what it breaks down to, and I think this is more for the men but more for the women.  There are men out there that are immature but that changes with age.  Some men never mature to the fact that, as we age, we change, it is harder to keep weight off.  As women are struggling to love their bodies, this is the message they feel.

Whip that body into better shape or he is gonna leave your ass!

So as women are we going to be with a man that makes you feel like Mary said, “bending over backwards?”  information like this is damaging to our self-esteem.  As it is women are always striving to look like that perfect 10 model, young girls are starving themselves.

Furthermore, no girl should ever feel she needs to perform like a porn star and having a rocking body better than Hale Barry because you know what, there are those immature men that are going to find another excuse to cheat.  As women when a man says anything opposite of a compliment about the body that is part of who you are, you don’t walk, RUN AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP!

What men fail to mention is the ones that never matured psychologically, must not have a mirror because they look like they could be sporting a 7-month old baby themselves.

This is one of my better topics because it even opened up my eyes and I hope it opened up yours, there is just no pleasing some men and learn to spot that man a mile away.

Till next time…Ciao!