I NEEDED HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!

 

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Some guy came on to me today and honey let me tell you he was hot hot.  Total eye candy and I am sure, another kind of candy.  I have my shares of propositions and requests for dates and somehow it just doesn’t work out.  But this guy was tall, handsome, well dressed…he had it all.  He approached me and the way he started talking I knew right away….Player.  He had that “Rico Suave” personality.  He made it very obvious as he looked me up and down and tilted his head and said, “Hey sexy”  Say Whuuut!!! Did I have “Ho” written on my forehead?  I looked at him and put the gas cap back on my car, got in and drove away.

But this isn’t about being treated like a piece of beef.  I can remember wanting to thank some gardeners that drove by and honked at me because I was starving for that assurance so a few months back I would have probably been in some motel room with this Rico Suave.  A few years ago I was starving for my husband to tell me I was pretty, that he loved me, that he appreciated me.  My emotional tank was empty and I blamed it all on my husband because he never showed me love.  Oh how I would beg him to tell me, and of course when he wouldn’t, that would make me feel more depleted than ever. I had a void that I could not feel and it was in the pit of my stomach.  I swear I could feel it when I would cry, it felt so hollow in there.

It was no wonder that I jumped into a relationship so fast because he was saying all the things I needed to hear, words like “love” and “beautiful”.  I was drinking it up.  But what was funny was that he could tell me a million times and I was like a pool with a hole in it.  That relationship obviously didn’t work.

Truthfully I have spent my whole life blaming my husband for being a horrible person because all I wanted was him to show me he loved me.  In my eyes life would have been so much different.  If he could have just showed me love I would have felt better about myself and the would have been full of unicorns and rainbows don’t you know…NOT!

My pool WAS full of holes.  Or rather my tank was empty, bone dry empty.  That lack of love I had for myself made me insecure, jealous, miserable, needy…doesn’t sound like a fun person to be mated with does it.  So after my unsuccessful relationship after my husband, I decided to stay solo, actually it was recommended.

This is when I discovered I have used men as a fix my whole life, to make me feel better because I couldn’t make myself feel better.  I am addicted to love.  When I had no man to focus on, WOW, my marriage that I thought I was doing great getting over all of a sudden was not so easy getting over.  All of a sudden it felt like someone was dying, it was kind of the truth.  My marriage died and I never mourned it because I jumped into another relationship to kill the pain like an alcoholic grabs a bottle to numb his pain.

But without the booze, that alcoholic is going to feel every pain and that is exactly what I did, but that is exactly what I needed to do.  For the first time since we broke up, a year and a half before, I broke down over my marriage.  I was not the Super Woman that I thought I was.  With no man to take my focus off my husband, I realized I was going to miss him dearly.  I spent many a night crying.  I was breaking down at work, in the car.  Everywhere,.  It was controlling me but I had to let it out of my system.

That pain that I experienced was that pain in the hollow in my stomach, it felt so empty.  No teddy bear could  take it away, some days I got extra scary bad but I trudged.  But I stayed single and I started meditating and looking at why did I have such low self-esteem.  No man was going to make me happy, nor would I make any man happy until I figured out where this non-self love was coming from.

I was looking deep within myself for an answer and fast forward to the day when that hot hot guy came on to me.  I thought, who the hell does this guy think I am.  A miracle happened, I don’t know when this happened, how this happened but as I was driving I thought…I have no void.  That empty hollow feeling is gone.  I pulled the rear view mirror at myself and looked deep into my eyes.  “I love you”, I said…I waited for a reaction of a cringe…there wasn’t one.  Opposite, I liked how I felt when I said it.  I had to pull over and text my friend telling her MY VOID IS GONE!!!

People, I had this void since I was a little girl, I can’t remember anytime in my life when I didn’t feel that void.  All because I taught myself how to not expect love and approval from other but instead give it to myself.  This came from books I read from Louise Hay and Eckart Tolle.

I am on my way to a better world and like a car with a full tank of gas.  With this full tank, I am going to see the world!!!!!

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LEARNING TO SLEEP ALONE

LEARNING TO SLEEP ALONE

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One of the hardest parts of learning to be alone was not having a body next to mine.  Don’t get me wrong, there for a long time my husband and I were sleeping in the same bed and accidentally our feet would touch and it was like Kryptonite.  I would recoil like it burned like acid.  No, I didn’t want him, but I was craving human contact so I think I was subconsciously doing it in my sleep because I longed for that.

When I finally got my bed here in my apartment I would scoot all the way next to the wall and keep my body next to it all night.  It was that feeling of having something next to me.  See I grew up in a large family and there were so many kids we slept sideways on a full bed so we could all slept together.  There were so many nights my sister Oli and I would go together holding each other tight.  I am a very affectionate person. The human touch is something I miss.  When I see people I am a hugger.

Nights were hard for me.  I longed for a body next to me.  I longed for someone to hold.  I started joking I needed a teddy bear.  Well guess what, for Christmas my daughter got me the biggest fluffiest sweetest looking teddy bear.  You should have heard me squeal..  Let us remind us that I am a 48-year-old woman, not 4!  He had a big red bow and black button eyes and so so huggeable!  And yes that is what I did as the kids opened their gifts I sat there hugging it.

The oddest thing happened that night.  I had to spend Christmas alone that night, sad huh?  I should have tears in my pillows right?  WRONG!!!  I jumped in my Sponge Bog Jammies with footsies and turned on my heater and plopped in bed with my Ted and hugged him tight.  Is this why children cry for their teddy bears, oh my God I was so comforted!  Did I look like a weirdo, of course I did!!  But the rewards and the sense of peace I felt were astonishing.  I fell right to sleep.

I showed the FaceBook world my favorite gift and asked everyone to help me name him.  What a response, but we came up with “Ted”.  Wow that is a no brainer!  He became popular among my friend.

I posted a picture of my Ted on the Toilet with a magazine on its lap and put a caption, “My damn roommate is getting on my last nerve, he needs to learn to close the door when he does his business!”

Everyone thought it was funny except for one male and he said that this was weird and enough of being single I needed a man.

What this person doesn’t realize this was a done out of humor, I am an eccentric playful person.  If I have to hug a teddy bear while I heal and work on my defects of character and work on myself so that I don’t rush into another relationship that ends up not working out again then that is what needs to happen.  I am in the process of working on self-love and having a man, just hurrying up and getting a man because really I have not found one that I felt a connection with. So to me I would be settling.  Catalina needs to learn to limp before she can walk and learn to walk before she can run.  So my Ted is like a prosthetic just for comfort.  No I am not dry humping it at night, no I am not making out with it and telling it to tell me to love me.  IT IS FOR COMFORT ONLY !!!!

You know I have to give it to myself, there is a big part of me that doesn’t care what other people think, I have an inner child that I let out that helps me be playful and that brings out my happiness, thus having jammies with footsies and teddy bears!  You know I account much of my healing on having the healthiest inner child out of anyone I know.  I have no shame and will do a cart-wheel in a mall, climb a tree, I love blowing bubbles, dressing up like a cheerleader and going to work.  My coworkers think I am crazy but love my spirit.  I see it as my inner child that loves to come out and play play play! Go ahead dare me to do anything, you won’t even have to double dog dare me, I will do it anyways!

What prompted me to write this was I was watching an episode of Leave it to Beaver and Ward Clever tells the boys, “You are never too old to do goofy stuff.”  What a concept.  I loved that.  True happiness is allowing your inner child out to play and I am blessed, in fact I have to tell my inner child, “Alright already get back in, I gotta get some work done already!”

So no I don’t need to kick Ted in the trash and hook up with some dude and burn my Sponge Bob jammies and start wearing kinky lingerie, I am not rushing anything, and I am perfectly normal!

Gee look at the time….Where is Ted,  ahhh just where I left him…in bed waiting for me.  Sweet dreams…

 

LEARNING TO EAT ALONE

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Learning to Eat Alone

I was extra hungry tonight. What a crazy day, it was so crazy I missed lunch, for me that is CRAZY because me missing a meal? Yeah right. Nobody is going to believe that.

I grew up in a big Latin family and cooking is in my blood and it was always a feast. If someone stopped by, sit your butt down you are going to eat and walk out stuffed but always satisfied. Cooking is an emotional thing for me, it is done with love for those you love. Nobody should ever feel hunger. I cook with my heart. That was the one thing when my husband and I separated, he told my kids that without my cooking the house did not seem like a home anymore. That’s right, mama in the kitchen does give a sense of home doesn’t it.

Well now I live by myself. Now what! Am I really going to chop and dice and braise and sauté and fry and roast and steam and and….well you get my drift. Then there is the shopping, the putting things away, the dishes. For just me? NOT! Why go through all that trouble for just me? If my kids come over, that is a different story, but not just for myself.
I started having a bowl of cereal, it was quick and low calorie. There were no dishes, it was inexpensive and helped me keep my girlish figure. Breakfast became PB&J’s and I ate lunch at work. I became a creature of habit.

Well tonight I did something I never did, I LOOKED IN THE FREEZER! I found some beautiful salmon and some red potatoes, green beans and fixings for a salad. I prepared myself a wonderful dinner and DAMN it was good. I realized that this was the first time I made myself dinner for myself since I separated from my husband.

No I refuse to get in the habit of making myself dinner. I am sticking to my cereal and PB& J’s. Today was a treat and maybe I will treat myself every now and then but like I said it saves me money, a mess and time. But I just thought I would share, what a trip…

Then came the realization that you were always taught that there is meal time at the family table.  Shut off the television, gather the children, ask the them how their day went.  This is fundamental.  Well, do I put my teddy bear at the chair and put a plate in front of him and make talk to him.  Maybe I could skype and talk to someone as I eat.  Instead I have two t.v. trays, one for my laptop, one holds my food  and my fav shows are on television. Breakfast with Maury at 3 am and Fox News 4-5.  Rush home do some quick chores and pour put the cereal in the bowl but don’t add the milk and ice cubes until Big Bang Theory starts.  Oh how I love Sheldon…Are you out there Sheldon?  I love you..Please marry me.  I know you are gay, I promise I will be gentle!!

But I will tell you something, what a great feeling to not have to wonder every day after work, gee what do I make for dinner, or darn I need to stop at the market. I don’t need to rush home to prepare dinner either if I don’t want to. I get to go home if I want to and just curl up on the couch and grab my cereal and watch tv and not do anything if I don’t wanna, but if I do wanna extra treat like tonight, then I am going to cook me something. It will be my choice and my choice only. If I don’t wanna…then I’m not!

So as I sit here having breakfast with Maury, I look count the hours till Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and I shall have dinner together tonight…ohhhh I can hardly wait!!!

Ladies let me assure you, this is not every night.  I go to good ol’ mama’s for dinner, I meet up with friends for dinner, I invite my kids over for dinner where I cook up a storm or I meet my kids for dinner.  So fear not, I am not turning into a crazy hermit, this is about finding peace with the most important person you will spend time with…yourself.  Bon Apetit!!!

 

BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM

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BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM

Have you ever thought that maybe you are not happy with your life after divorce/separation because you don’t want to be?  Now, now, before you start sending me “hate” replies, keep reading so I can explain.  I watched this documentary on happiness and they showed this family that lived in South America.  This family lived in a hut with no furniture, just sheets all over the dirt floors, their clothes were disheveled and torn,  the children had no shoes and ran around like little mongrels.    The worst part of all is that every day to eat, they didn’t go to any refrigerator or drive-thru at McDonalds…oh no they had to go to the fields and milk the goats, harvest the veggies, pluck the trees for fruit, momma is grinding something on a big rock with another rock that looks like gruel.  Oh yeah eating is not simple over there.  I will tell you one thing though, if you have to go through all that to eat, you better believe there is not a weight problem over there.  Everyone’s BMI is way below the suggested guidelines.  I hate those damn guidelines, who invented that darn BMI…anyways…

Oh, where was I?  Oh yeah the happy South Americans!  Well they were very social people, they would visit each other, I mean what else was there to do but talk because it isn’t like they could watch t.v. but with no furniture they would just squat.  Yeah, SQUAT!  Could you imagine….”Dear go out back to the goat and get our guest a cup of milk…please guest come into my hut, have a squat”  Ha!

Ok, I am getting carried away, we are supposed to get to a point here.   The whole point on this documentary was how could these families that in our standards, as Americans, living in extreme poverty, say they are so happy.  In my eyes they worked so freaking hard from the time they opened their eyes to the time they went to bed and really didn’t have much to show for.  Yet they all were loving to each other, playful and always smiling.  Wow!

Now my working hard was not putting any smile on my face.  I was harboring a deep resentment against my husband because he ended up with a big beautiful home that he was allowed to kick me out of because it was his mother’s.  Yeah I was bitter seeing him owning a gorgeous home and me renting a small apartment  yet we were paying the same a month.  I was bitter because he worked 5 days a week and I worked 7 days a week, 2 jobs missing family parties, friend weekend getaways and in my head, being flown by Johnny Depp to Paris for a 3 day weekend.  How did I get the raw end of the deal?  Wah wah wah!!!

Now I could have moved back to my mommy’s house in the spare room, maybe put up some Led Zeppelin and KISS posters on the wall and have all kinds of money to burn at the mall, oh hey, I could even afford to buy the clothes at Hot Topics.  I wonder if they would start carding me again?  Let’s not forget Johnny Depp, what am I going to tell him.  Uh yeah Johnny I am a 48-year-old but you can pick me up at my mommy’s if you want to fly me to Paris for a 3 day weekend.  For sure he will never ask me for a second date and I cannot risk that.  So of course I stayed in my apartment and I worked 7 days a week, paid my bills, day after day after day.

Something started to happen, I noticed my pocket change turned into a small savings.  Now this maybe no big deal to you, but to Catalina this was huge!  I have always lived check to check with NOTHING NOTHING to spare.  In fact I was borrowing a couple $20s till payday from mom, husband anyone.  So when I looked in my savings and seen in 3 months I saved so so much I was floored.  Now during this time I had changed work assignments which called for more of an office attire wardrobe.  So I had bought me several really nice beautiful dresses.  The kind of dress that people come up to you all day and say, “Wow where did you get that dress?”  and you get to do a little twirl and say, “Ross!”

That savings is not for every weekend fly by the seat whatever.  I have the money for that week camping trip to Yosemite with my adult babies.  I have money to plan getaway trips with my beautiful girlfriends.  I have money for my little sisters first shower gift.  I can take some days off.  I don’t have to work every single weekend.  It is about really picking and choosing and appreciating my time that I do get off.

I noticed my thousands of dollars worth of debt will be zero by June and I could get that car.  Did I do all this myself???  I checked my credit rating and it is really good.  The only thing keeping it from perfect is that I haven’t purchased a home or car, well hello I didn’t know you needed to be buying stuff like that to have better credit…Fine I will get a new car…will that make the credit bureau happy?  I know it will make me happy!  Holy Guacamole good credit? Me?  Where is a pedestal, somebody get me a pedestal and a cape!  I have an incredible need to stand on top of a pedestal with my hands on my hips and declare, “I am a woman!  An independent woman and I am making it out here in this big world with no help from a man or even my mommy!”

Then I thought of that South American family that worked so hard day after day and why they were so happy.  That sense of accomplishment.  It really wasn’t about having a big two-story hut with a local McDonalds they could ride their Ox to at lunchtime for a Big Mac.  No it was that sense of accomplishment.  They had everything they needed there with them.  They had their loved ones.  They had rich soil to harvest their food.  They knew true gratefulness and when you become so grateful for what you have then you will find happiness.

I had it wrong the whole time didn’t I?  I had been ungrateful this whole time.  Wahhhh I have to go to my wonderful county job of almost 20 years that has given me the best of friends and has given me the best assignments!  Wahhhh, I have to go to work at as a pet nutritionist and play with the cutest dogs and basically just chill all day and talk yet make really decent money.  Wahhh I live in a cute 2 bedroom apartment that I pay for all by myself.

So when I say maybe you are not happy with your life because you don’t want to be, think about it.  What are you focusing on.  Him?  Your losses?  The past?  The betrayal?  Is that what you are CHOOSING to focusing on that is making you so unhappy?  I know that is what I was doing.  Turn it around girlie, those South Americans can sure teach us a lot about life.  It is all in how you CHOOSE to look at it!!

So as I walk into my second job, there will be an extra bounce to my step.  A little extra sparkle to my smile…I say extra because there is a whole lotta sparkle already.  I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, today, Saturday, I get to go to work where so many people can’t even find one job, I am blessed with two so I have been able to make it like I set out to do when I started this blog.  This job allows me to be the proud independent woman who I set out to be when my husband kicked me out October 2012 and I was afraid of doing it on my own.   At 50ish I GET to take care of myself and that makes me happier than shit!!!

Healing From A Divorce

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Healing From a Divorce

I picked up a book called…well maybe I shouldn’t blast the name of the book since I don’t want those two crazy …yes crazy…authors coming after me. I wouldn’t even line the bottom of a bird-cage for birds to poop on. I take it back, I do want birds to poop on it or anyone else if they want to. No I am not being mean, gross yes, mean no! I won’t even tell you the title because I really would not want any woman going through a divorce reading it.

Let me tell you about the book, because there is a lesson to it. Well evidently these two socialites, hawty tawty, rich women were left by their husbands for younger cuter bombshells. Oh darn, that never feels good. Anyways, these women talk about getting out of their gloomy slumps, realize they need to spice up their looks and get back out there because too can be hot again and catch a man. Uh ok! Let’s think about that. Is this really healing from a separation or divorce or is it masking insecurity by finding another man to make you feel like you still got it?

The tone of the book is pure bitterness. She talks of signs your husband is cheating like is he shaving his gorilla back, or trying to lose his huge beer belly and talks about the little young hussy he is with. Oh yeah they do not paint pretty pictures of their exes. Wow. These women are still angry maybe a little vengeful. They became self-proclaimed experts on divorce because they were friends who were both feeling the wah-wahs and looked in the mirror and realized throughout the years they had let themselves go. They trash every cute women in the world and it is just about being hot hot hot!!! Like a competition???

Now you tell me is this the end you hope to achieve after a divorce. No my little chickadees because these women are going to be back looking at that mirror when they fall again saying, “Now what?” What more make-up, a shorter dress? Oh I got it, let’s bring in the plastic surgeon and let him start hacking away at our bodies, we have to get more beautiful so a man can love us. I mean isn’t that the message we are getting from these women???

NOT HEALED. The end result is not a man! Don’t get me wrong, I hope one day to end up in a relationship with someone who can be my best friend, but I have me to work on. There are so many stages you go through after a separation/divorce and one of them being anger. These women were definitely stuck in that stage when this book was written.

Then there is a healthy stage you will hit where you accept the divorce, see your part and know it is not all just his part no matter how huge his part is and how painful the betrayal was. You, for the most part, forgive. I am not saying you forget. I am not going to lie because if I let myself sit in the past too long, I can get those old feelings stirred up so I make sure to not let myself visit that painful place. It is about healing so I have no business even thinking about that. So yes there is some pain but I choose not to react to it and soon the pain ceases to exist. You get to the point where you can be in your own little apartment and it is peaceful and you feel contentment most of the time with just you and it doesn’t matter what he is doing anymore. The man is not a necessity….just for now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. But today it is about healing me.

This my luvies is what we call healing. Let me tell you, it is awesome.

MY HEART ACHED FOR MY HUSBAND….

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MY HEART ACHED FOR MY HUSBAND

Today I had a heavy heart. It was for my husband. You see I have a gift that I like to call intuition, some people call me bruja, some people call me gifted, others see it as going against God because you shouldn’t see what the future brings. Hey it isn’t my fault and it only happens sometimes. My sister had a dream that included him, my sister thinks of him often. My heavy heart comes because he made a horrible mistake breaking up his family. It was the worst thing that could have happened to him, yet the best thing that could have happened to me and he is witnessing the effects of it all.

He will see my happiness continue to grow and it saddens me. I would never rub anything in his nose like, “Nanny, Nanny, Nanny!” My heart has softened towards him, my love has evolved for him, not as a wife but kinda like a close relative because he is my history. I do and will always have a love for him. I never wish him any pain.

Today my heart ached for him and I thought, God please give him a happy life too.

NO MORE BEING DEPRESSED IN BED!!!

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I woke up and didn’t have to force myself to be happy, I just felt good. With time I am realizing that the moments of sadness are getting fewer and fewer.

When I was with my husband I could not get out of bed. My life was about sleeping my life away. Don’t feel. Don’t be conscious as much as I could. I would hit that snooze button over and over and over. Mornings were about how many more minutes could I squeeze in before I rush,rush,rush and not be late to work. So of course there would be no curling of hair, no proper application of make-up. It was throw anything on and out the door. My appearance was secondary to just get as much sleep as I could because honestly I did not want to wake up and face the world. The world was not a place I wanted to be. It was a miserable place, there was no joy, I found no motivation to do anything. Except for food, food was soothing.

So my days were about just stay awake until it was time to go unconscious again so I did not have to face the day again. Yeah I was clinically depressed and getting bigger than a house because I was eating everything. When I got off on Friday I went straight to bed and did not get up until Monday morning, true story. What has changed?

Now, I am like a kid at Christmas. I will go to sleep and I want night-time to hurry up and be over with so it could be morning and I could get up and play! Sometimes something must wake me up on accident maybe 2 hours or so after I have fallen asleep and it will be maybe 11:00 at night and I will look at the clock and I will be think, darn! I have to go back to bed. There are a so many times I have awaken up in the middle of the night, two a.m., three a.m. and I do that, darn, I have to go back to bed! Like a child rebelling about going to bed, only I have to be both parent and child, and scold myself to go back to bed.

Go to bed!
I’m not tired.
I don’t care go to bed anyways!
Can I have a drink of water, I’m thirsty?
No! You will pee the bed!

You get the drill. I want the sun to hurry up and get out of his bed so I can get out of my bed! I love my life now and I don’t want to spend my life in bed anymore. There is so much to do now and I have motivation to do it now that I don’t want to waste away like I was doing anymore. When did this happen, I don’t know the day, does it matter, I don’t think so, but it happened and it is still happening. From the most depressed person over a man, to the happiest most elated person over a life that elated me and tickles my fancy… don’t get me wrong, not every single minute.

Some days I have to push myself and remind myself that it is a decision to be the happiest person ever. It does not happen itself, I have to make it happen. Kinda like the concept, act as if and soon it becomes, oh how true it is. I remember one day I was so down and the tears were running down my face and I pushed myself to continue on through my routine as if nothing was happening. Go to the gym I told myself. I sat in my car and the tears would not stop. Finally I told myself, the hell with it I am going to walk in that gym, tears and all and just get on that treadmill and start my day and let this go away. It did and my tears went away and slowly my joy returned. My happiness has been a choice that has become naturally a part of my life now.

I made a promise to my daughter. When I wake up, I won’t crank up the music and dance around the house. She said it was like I was a five-year-old in a bouncy house. Yeah right, like they could keep up with me! She is not a morning person and requires complete quiet. She has had to remind me at three or four in the morning to please respect her because she is not a morning person and tone it down. FINE!!! Kill joy!!

This morning I woke up at 3:44 a.m., made my coffee and wrote a simple message on my Face Book, “I sit here with my cup of coffee and the beautiful sun yearns to wake. I realize my life is perfect for now. Gratefulness fills my heart!”

This says it all. Something so simple as sitting at my table drinking a cup of coffee in my apartment rejoicing in the morning makes me realize how good my life is. I am not a millionaire but I am able to pay all my bills without fail. My car is not a Mercedes-Benz, but it gets me from point A to B without fail. My health is great, my children are perfect, I have the best friends. I am not rich with money, I am rich in a better way, look at the wonderful things I mentioned. There are millionaires that are miserable, I would not trade places with them for anything in the world. Well unless I could be happy and have all that money… Hey just being honest here.

Every morning is like Christmas to me now. It is like, hurry up and start day, what great gifts will you bring me today, what adventures shall we have, who shall we play with today, what experiences will I have… GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS!