Tag Archive | HATE

SO YOU WANT TO HEAL…

71635450292349512AOLbjQvGc[1]

SO YOU WANT TO HEAL

It is called trudging…

Do things you don’t want to do

You just keep doing it

Continue to “act as if”

Even when you don’t want to

The pain will still be there

The I don’t want to’s will continue to be there

And it’s no matter what you do

So continue forward no matter what

Then slowly slowly one day you will notice

That they are trickling away

You won’t even realize when it started

But key phrase…don’t stop

Never allow yourself to stop

Never allow yourself to go backwards or get stuck

It’s ok to cry, to rest

But continue your journey forward

Pain is pain and we have to endure it

This is how you heal…

ENDLESS NIGHT….

thumb_1ac7aa4c8b4dbe0fa8c4e8f4ae4a9d04[1]

ENDLESS NIGHTS…

There was a time as I sat at the ledge of my front window more time than I could count. Many times watching the sun come up. It never ceases to amaze me how as a car would approach how I would kneel up to get a closer look, my hear would pound so hard, let it be him let it be him. As the car drove by and I realize it wasn’t him, the sinking in my stomach never felt better than the last time. As each car approached, the heart pounding pace never was slower than the last time. Night after night, day after day as this became a routine. Why didn’t it become easier that he wasn’t coming home? Why didn’t my wishes that the car be his lessen as each car drove by? Why didn’t it get to the point where I said, damn, eff this, I work tomorrow, I’m tired, I’m going to bed? But that night never came. Why didn’t the sobs grow quitier night after night? Why didn’t I miss him less? Why didn’t I trust him less? Why didn’t I care less? Why did I love too much much?

HOW TO TREAT A MATE…

Love-Wallpapers-love-33002117-1600-1000[1]

HOW TO TREAT YOUR MATE

But I still wonder how does one learn how to be a good mate. I have good common sense. You show respect and treat them well. Be loving and attentive but allow them space. They need to be who they want to be. They need to be able to water their friendships too. And never forget to always keep your friendships alive. Respect each other’s living spaces. Care for yourself hygienically and healthily, this if for them but more importantly for yourself. Always be kind to them and show them that you care, never be rude even when you are angry. Keep the passion alive in the bedroom and keep it fun. Express appreciation for who they are and honesty is very important. All this seems so much, but when you really care about someone, all this should come so naturally.

AS LONELINESS SUBSIDES…

balloons[1]

AS LONELINESS SUBSIDES
I can remember the days of sitting at home. My life went into a stand still. My friends went here and there and I stayed home waiting because what if just what if my husband would take time off his self-centered life that was all about drinking, surfing and his friends and would want to include me for a fast second. I wanted to make sure I was there if that moment ever happened. Ha!

I’m glad I didn’t hold my breath.

Those days are over. Now my life consists of dinners with friends, trips, shows, concerts, exercise, movies, restaurants…life is in session.

As I look at the fury of people walking the strip in and out of the casinos, the details of the statuesque buildings like the Eiffel Tower, I am reminding how I never left the confines of my home. Oh, ok, maybe I snuck away to the corner bar now and then…wow.

Life can be so much more than waiting for someone who is unavailable. Life can feel like you are breathing and one day doesn’t just blends into the next. Days mean something now, they actually have a meaning and a purpose and there is pleasure.

I like that I can say, what does my day hold for me today, what shall I do, who shall I see…I like that I have so many options.

I can breathe for the first time in my life, and it’s deep and it doesn’t have a sigh at the end…and I like that.

HOLIDAYS WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE….

Mothers Day 2012[1]

HOLIDAYS WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE

No, no don’t panic! Christmas isn’t coming. But we do have Mother’s and Father’s Days coming. Hmmm. I bring this up because I said something about Father’s day to my daughter and she shot me this look as if I told her I was about to marry an ape, the discust on her face, it looked like she just at, uh uh, how can I say this so I don’t sound too discusting…POOP!!! And she spat out, “You don’t think you are coming to Father’s Day with us?” EWWWW! Meaning I wanted to go with my kids and my ex! Now I felt like I ate poop! “Hell no!” I spat! I had to add an even more super discusting face to outdo her super discusting face. I saw her relax.

This disturbed me beyond beyond. She really thought I wanted to go with them. Let me say it one more time….EWWWWW!!! PULEEEEZE!!! Why in the world? Ok, but I’m in a different place than most people now. Oh I can remember fighting like cats and dogs and thinking, I need to stop fighting and walk on egg shells so he will go to my family’s huge Mother’s Day brunch.

As I think back, why was it so important that I drug a man that was so unhappy with me to an event that he hated, where it would be apparent to my entire family how much he didn’t care about me by his stand offish body language. Why was it so important that I drag him with me?

I was so blind. I had my pretend family there, mom, husband and 2 kids, dressed beautifully.
Later I would hear that everyone felt sorry for because it was so visable to everyone by his body language that I was pretty much up his azz and he was repelling from me like I was Kryptonite. Everyone noticed but me and he denied it.

I don’t even remember if I enjoyed myself because I was so worried about wondering how horrible of a time he was having. What a Mother’s Day. It was my day and I catered around him to hold him hostage because I felt if I made him go it would make it seem like he cared. But all it did was show the world that he didn’t. If I would have left him home, at least it would have kept them wondering.

This will be my first Mother’s Day as a separate mom and I will be catering, it will be about me. I like that. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? I am looking forward to it!
If there are any moms out there feeling blue, take time to realize this is your day. You are not his mother, this is about you and your kids. Celebrate that! I know I will be!

FEELING BEAUTIFUL AGAIN!!!

7regole_articolo[1]

FEELING BEAUTIFUL AGAIN!!!

Being on the dumpee side…I think it is important to try to make myself look and feel beautiful…let’s look at what we as women can do to always take care of us superficially…yes I said the taboo word…SUPERFICIALLY!!!

They say beauty is skin deep, you are more beautiful on the inside, well right now let’s be superficial and just concentrate on the outside ok? Because, come on girls, who doesn’t like to look good on the outside. You know one time I had a cold, and I fixed myself up, and guess what… MY SYMPTOMS WENT AWAY!! True story. I like to call myself a cha-cha. If you browse my blogs you will see a picture of me posing on a chair… You will see that I am on the vain side, I like to dress up in the minis, with the high heels, and the make-up that would make the Ringling Brothers proud… that’s just the way I am, can’t help it… It is what makes me feel beautiful. I think making yourself feel beautiful is important. I don’t think there would be so many make-over shows if that wasn’t the case.

Taking time to pamper me is important to me.

First of all. My dogs…No not Fido! My cute little feet. They don’t get that way by themselves. I am hoping we all take care of our feet, come one girls, nobody likes nasty feet! Have you ever looked down at a girl with some real nice strappy sandals and half her polish is worn off and her cuticles are jagged and her nails are so long they are dragging over the front of the sandals, now how likely do you think some hot French man is going to say in his hot French voice, “Madame, may I please rub your feet?” and he is sure not going to drink champagne out of your stilettos! Nasty!!! Girl! Clean your toes and manicure your feet regularly! The world says PULEEZE!

Next, your brows and your upper lip. Ok, the days of Brooke Shield are dead and gone. If you need barettes to keep your eyebrows out of your eyes like the Shaggy DA… we have a problem! If you don’t know where your eyebrows end and your eyelashes begin… we have a problem! If your “eyebrow(s)” have become an “eyebrow”, singular… we have a problem!

Then we have what we consider to be “taboo”… the dreaded lady moustache. See if it were the 80’s and you were Tom Selleck, this would not be a problem, but that is not the case. I am not pointing fingers, I am going to stand on a soap box and say, “Hey everyone! I get my lips and eyebrows threaded AND WHUT!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?” Uh-huh! That’s right! There is no shame to my game!

See the problem is we get up close to the mirror and think only we can see it because we are close to the mirror, trust me people not so close can see it too. If you can see it, take that stuff off! It’s not the 80’s and you are not Tom Selleck!

While you are at it, look around, you got any patches, for God’s sake take that off too. Keeps your legs shaved and soft with lots of lotion…No ashy skin…No lizard looking skin. Keep the pitts nice and smooth, Jungle Jane doesn’t live here…Ok?

Moving right along…How are your locks going??? Let’s talk about something here. Coloring, bleaching and highlighting hair is fine and dandy, WHEN YOU KEEP IT UP! If you are one of those people that bleach cause you want to look like Malibu Barbie but you let your roots grow out like 5 inches long, Aye! Aye! Aye!, no bueno! If you just get too lazy to keep up, then stay with your natural color because honestly, sorry, I don’t sugar coat, but only because I want my girls to be beautiful, grown out roots make you look bad bad bad!. Don’t change your color if you cannot commit to the upkeep. What if your hair is graying? Women are sadly mistaken if they think a nice styled silvered hair woman doesn’t look classier than a woman that is always struggling to keep up with her roots especially when her hair is a dark color. My mother finally embraced her gray hair and has it styled and wow, bravo mom, you look mawvelous. Now there are many women who are really good at the upkeep. Believe me, I will be joining that bandwagon because if I keep pulling out my grays I’m going to look like Curly from the Three Stooges and I don’t know if I can embrace my grayness…

What about weight? WHAT ABOUT WEIGHT! This is a touchy subject to me because yes I have lost 60 pounds but I am not an advocate for if you are not thin you are not beautiful. I struggle and I struggle bad. I believe beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and I don’t even need to address this area because beautiful woman come in all sizes!!! But that doesn’t mean we don’t all need to sit around on the couch all day, it is important to take walks at least. Those endorphins in your brains are released when you exercise even just a little and make you feel good. So put on those sneakers and go for a walk even if it is for 15 minutes a day…you will feel mawvelous!!

But most of all I want you to feel beautiful because in your heart of hearts you know you are a beautiful person. Besides taking the cheese from your toes and the whiskers from your face, all that superficial stuff, the most important part is feeling it in your gut and that comes from believing it no matter what baby. We cannot wait for no man to make us feel beautiful or tell us we are beautiful, the hell with what any man says or feels, it is all about how we make ourselves feel! We are the beholder!

As long as we take care of ourselves, pamper ourselves, we can wake up in the morning….no make-up…pillow head…in our jammies…and roll over with a smile on our face and if we have joy in our hearts, that is all the beauty we need!

I COULDN’T WAIT TO START DATING!!!

imagesCAJ8Z70L

I COULDN’T WAIT TO START DATING

Why am I supposed to wait to date? I am being honest and real, I didn’t wait. I liked someone so I went at it. Yikes…bad girl! Bad girl!

I was never one that sat too well with rules, my aunt worked at Mattel and she had one of the first Barbie and Ken dolls. The Barbie was the one that was mod looking with the thick black eyeliner on her top eyelid and she was wearing this black and white bathing suit, and Ken had on these red trunks. She had them on her banister and they were poseable. She had them both with their legs crossed. I was told specifically, “Don’t touch the dolls!” and then my mom and my aunt left me ALONE! IN THE SAME ROOM WITH THE DOLLS! ALONE!! I was only 7 or 8! Come on isn’t that like putting a lion in a cage with a steak and saying don’t eat the steak??? Come on they were poseable!!!

Yeah right!!

So I am standing there right in front of Barbie and Ken AND THEY ARE STARING ME RIGHT IN THE EYE!!! We were all staring at each other!! I know we were, it wasn’t my imagination! I knew at that moment I was missing out on something humoungous by not being able to touch them, I knew my life would always be missing that something because I wasn’t allowed to just touch them. Why couldn’t I just touch them with one finger? My life would always be wrong! I knew it! But then again, I was in the room alone and I knew they were talking, and when they talked, they didn’t care about anything else in the world except about what they were talking about. Just one teeny tiny touch wasn’t going to hurt anyone…Right?

Well don’t ask me how I got from point A to point B but next thing I know I am on the floor and Barbie and Ken are naked and doing it and all the middle is a blur and I have no recollection as my mom and my aunt are standing over me demanding to know what the hell am I doing?

This has always been me, even as an adult, if I go into an art gallery that says don’t touch, for some reason I feel the same way, my life will somehow be missing something and will never be the same if I don’t just touch it…just a little bit…I have to lightly touch it with my pinkie…drives my daughter nuts.

So this rule about not dating for a while, well maybe it is the best but, like I said, if you say left, I am going to go right just to see what is there, AND THEN I will go left…I can’t help it. Just sparks up that curiosity even more when they say don’t.

They speak about respect, self-respect, healing, finding yourself, learning to find yourself, learning to be with yourself. I think, isn’t there a blog I could read and learn all that, oh yeah, it is about experience. Aye, aye, aye.

I’m the original rebel without a cause and I can’t say the Barbie made me do it. I applaud you women out there that did have the inner strength to wait and work on you, I guess we will see. It was the apple, that darn apple…darn Eve!