Just Make It One More Night

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Sometimes the darkness in your mind

Sometimes the piercing in your heart

Sometimes it’s just much too much

 

Daydreams of eternal peace

Eternal rest

Free from grief

Free to breathe

Heaven signifies

That God’s arms

Become my home

For evermore

 

Stop Stop Stop

 

Don’t listen to the lies!

 

The Sun is a promise

that never fails

The warmth of the morn

is not far away

 

Sit with your pain

holding tight

just till dawn

when the Earth brings light

 

Your pain comes from you

your child within

were you not loved?

were you not nurtured?

or maybe not enough?

 

Listen to your pain

she weeps from your soul

cradle her softly

 

tell her she’s not alone

 

 

Hum her sweet melodies

just don’t let go

fast asleep in your own arms

both have sweet dreams

 

Gently you awaken

feeling warmth from within

you blink at at the suns glow

no darkness in site

 

you made it one more night

 

Some of us have voids in our soul

Maybe as a child our needs went unmet

Will you also ignore that child that’s you?

Will you tell her you have others things to do?

She needs you as she has all through the years

be the one to mother and nurture lovingly

hold her in your arms as she weeps all night

Remind her she never has to be alone anymore

 

watch and see…

 

You made it again…one more night…

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Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Divorce-heal
Remember Why You are Apart

Waiting To Heal From Divorce?

Do you find yourself asking when will I stop hurting? I asked for 30 years, I still catch myself asking. I find myself irritated, why does it bug me that he is dating when he seems like life is peaches and orgasms. Why was he able to move on so easily? Then it can escalate, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

Then it occurs to me.

Oh yeah, I got married because to me it was true love…

Oh yeah, I have some values and virtue and I’m selective and not going to just jump in the sack with the first Joe Schmo that says, “Do you work at Subway, cause you just gave me a foot long!”

And I’d be, Oh my God, I just gave a man an erection! It must be true love!

Puleeeze!

Oh yeah, then I remember he was a horrible husband and I was MISERABLE!!

And I smile and go about my day!

I’m Renting a Room At My Ex’s Home!

I'm Renting a Room From My ExBelieve it!  I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s.  I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses.  How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years.  Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.

When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.

EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried?  Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would  all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?

I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.

This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.

He said that he was the man he was today because of me.  I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you.  Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.

He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.

I could not stop the tears as I told him that I loved this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left.  Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…

I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more.  So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else.  I see how he treats the girl he was dating now.  He got bored and wants new meat.  That is not what I want for myself.

So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons.  This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy.  This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there.  I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.

Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again.  It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.

For now, home is where mama is!

Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

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We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.

When Your Family Can’t Let Your Ex Go

 

It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids.

Continue reading “When Your Family Can’t Let Your Ex Go”

Why Dating Right After A Break-Up Is All Bad!

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Divorce is easy…so I thought!
 
Didn’t even hurt..so I thought!
 
I thought I was the divorce guru.  My hubby of almost 30 YEARS dumped me.  Know what happened to me? I grabbed me a new boyfriend in Vegas and life was all about finding cute clothes and keeping in shape. Every three weeks I was taking off to Vegas to see shows and play with my new man.

Continue reading “Why Dating Right After A Break-Up Is All Bad!”

Accepting He Is Divorcing Me and Has Moved On

My blogs have stopped because I felt I was unworthy of giving empowering words. Things were easy when I thought he was missing me and oh well I have a boyfriend who shows me attention. Life is great, I’m great and this divorce thing is a piece of cake…

Then I kept getting dumped and the horror…I couldn’t find a stable guy, they had no jobs, were criminals, or just plain losers…and I’m amazing aren’t I?  Yet he was horrible and he had the girls tearing down his door.

I was alone, back at mom’s…and he settled down with someone.  I found her kicking back at the home we were supposed to raise our grandchildren in. She was pretty, was nice, had a career…AND WAS 15 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!

Where’s Karma!

This is what we call needing to accept reality. As I had in the past, I am trying for the millionth time, to pick myself up and start all over again from scratch.
Situation: I felt humiliated, rejected, depressed because my husband dumped me and got a new young, woman.
Get control of yourself! This is only going to happen if I accept he moved on.

Start the process over:
    • Grieve: I know I did a lot of this. I am the “wah-wah” woman. I got this part down.
    • Realize: This is reality, I had to grasp that I was no longer his wife and he is his own person. People move on and isn’t that what I want for myself so why was I chastising him as a horrible human being. I know it is hard, but what if a man is placed in front of me and they say “Love him and spend the rest of your life with him.” But I couldn’t.

We can’t force ourselves to feel for somebody. Should he have to stay in a relationship where he just can’t love me? Is that not selfish of me? The reality is, it’s not his fault if he doesn’t have feelings for me.   

•  Have Patience: This hurt will not last forever. I must trust the process of life, happiness, sadness, tragedy and finally peace. But the process has needs active participation from me.

  • Forgive: I have to learn to forgive him and yup, that woman he is porking too. Yuck, it was hard, it is so very hard.
    • Accept: Acceptance is necessary, and at some point, I need not fight the past. It means seeing things clearly.

    Remember I am forgiving for myself, not for him. I never have to say the words to him. I am doing it as a healing practice so I can live and be happy again.

I need to always remember that I am in control of my happiness and it is none of my business anymore what he is doing, we are no longer together.

“One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, is to forgive.”
–Maya Angelou