Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

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We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.

When Your Family Can’t Let Your Ex Go

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It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids. My children are adults and I find no need to have to see him like if he were picking them up for visitation. So for me this is a blessing.

The Problem:

My kids want their father to be part of my family gatherings. What is worse is that my family also miss him and want him to be around. Everyone feels sorry for him because the only family he had is my family. His mother, father and brother died within the last 5 years.
Trying to Compromise

At the beginning, I agreed to invite my ex to Thanksgiving at my mother’s because my daughter broke down in tears. She felt bad that her father did not have his mother for the holidays. Fine! I let him come, but I was not happy at all.

When my dear friend’s daughter passed on, my daughter got upset because I did not want him there. Why would he want to go? He had went out with us a few times, but that this was my personal friend. But fine! I was really trying hard not to be the bitter scorned ex-wife, so I said o.k. My friends were cordial to him but asked me after, why would he show his face. They did not like him because of the way he dumped me.

Ironically another friend of mine passed away a few months later. This friend was his friend before mine so when I asked if he were going he said, “She wasn’t really my friend.” Hello! He knew this friend for over 25 years so what was the real reason he HAD to go to MY circle of friends?

Then my sister wanted him there for her baby shower when she was having her first baby. She said he was the only male figure growing up and really wanted him there. I was dealing with bad depression because I could not seem to get over him. I was mad at how he rejected me. But what really got to me was that my family didn’t seem to care how I was feeling, they missed him and felt it was time for me to get over it so he could be part of the family again.

The Situation Makes No Sense To Me!:

In the past it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to my family functions. Now that he dumped me, now he wanted to hang out all the time? I said he could come but the whole time at the baby shower I had this void in the pit of my stomach and was so close to tears the whole time. I did not enjoy my own sisters baby shower because all I could think about was he was paying no attention to me. My family sat round him like he was a celebrity.

Now he has a girlfriend and my family expects me to get over it already so he could be part of the activities. Right after I found out he had moved on I missed Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house because I knew he was going to be there.  I made it clear that it was him or me, my sister-in-law made it clear that he was invited and I was being immature.

Any Advice Out There?
So I ask to everyone out there, is there anyone else going through this? I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but I don’t want to have any relationship with him anymore! I can understand when my kids get married or have kids, then of course I would not say I don’t want him there, but this is my family.

My Decision:

After many arguments with my children and my family and expressing that it hurts me to be around him, I surrender. I told my family that I am tired of being the bad guy, so I am pulling away and he could be there in my place. My daughter called me selfish.

So he decides to sever ties with me and move on and I am supposed to accept him with open arms or I am selfish. I am sorry I don’t have to accept someone who rejected me and be chummy with him.

 

Maybe in time but maybe I don’t ever have to be his friend and I will be damned if I am going to be miserable during my family gatherings so “he” won’t be lonely without a family. My thing is he should go with his girlfriend’s family and get close to them since that is who he chooses. He cares nothing about me so why would I care about him?

My family has no regard for my feelings. So my focus is going to be on me and doing what keeps me happy obviously my ex could care less about my feelings so it is not my job to let him screw around with other women and then come play house with my family. And if my family feels it is o.k., then obviously my family cares more about his feelings than mine so this is why I am deciding to pull away from my family.

This is a miserably sad time for me, but what else can I do.

FINDING MYSELF!!!

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Anyone that has went through or going through a break up or divorce has to admit that there were some signs.  Most of us had those signs of unhappiness.  Can you claim, why did he leave you because you were so happy with him and now you are not.  I will give you that you may not be happy now but were you truly happy with him right before.  Think about it.  If you were the one left and you knew he was not happy, could you really be bouncing around the house feeling on top of the world being in a marriage knowing your mate is miserable with you?

My husband used that on me, he told me that I was not happy anyways.  Uh yeah of course not because I knew you didn’t really want me and how the hell am I supposed to be happy you dimwit!  Jeez.  But let’s not throw stones.  Let’s leave the part out.  No I was not happy for a long time.  He was not the man to make me happy.

For one big thing, I could not be “me” with him.  See I have a great inner child that he didn’t like too much.  He was always telling me to act like an adult.  Grow up, be mature, stop playing around so much, close the door, do the dishes, brush my hair, am I going to wear that?,

Or there would be the questions, who left the door open, who left the t.v. on?  Who was the last one in the bathroom and forgot to turn off the light?  This was all day long.  He followed me and watched and looked for things I would do wrong.  Decorating the house for Christmas or Halloween would be a big lecture, we were just making a big mess.  Everything was a put-down or criticism to me and the kids.  We would ask to play a board game with us, yeah right, that is dumb.  The kids wanted to have a sleep over in the station wagon and pretend we were homeless so we did, omg what is wrong with you are you crazy, get the kids in the house, what will the neighbors say.

It became a going thing, “Oh shit, dads home!” friends would leave, everyone looked around the house to see what was out-of-order.  Wow I am thinking now.  Life really sucked!  But anyways…

I wasn’t free to be me.  He didn’t like me.  Catalina was a mess.  She joked too much, life was a game to her, board games juvenile, silliness all silliness, I loved dancing, he loved drinking,, I loved a house full of laughing playing kids, he wanted silence….everything I did got on his nerves.

Oh I tried to be who he wanted.  I would clean the house spotless and he would blow it because I forgot the trash.

So no, I was not happy but I did not know the extent of my unhappiness.  I did not know that this stifling and condemning me the person, the tearing at me personally was ripping at the core of who I was and what I felt about myself.  I started to let myself go and I gained a lot of weight.  I slept if I was not working.  My inner child became locked up inside more and more to the point where she never came out and all sense of play in me died.  I became very depressed.

I gave up asking for his time and let him go do his thing and just stayed in bed.

I was watching the cute Disney movie “Frozen” this weekend when the young queen escapes the confines of her castle and runs into the mountains to her freedom away from what is expected of her and she is finally able to use her so-called “curse” which makes everything into ice, freely and feels invigorated and empowered for the first time in her life.  She blasts a sexy ice dress on herself and flings this sexy flowing hair and builds this castle just throwing out her arms freely releasing who she really is, the ice queen as she belts out the song, “Let it Go!”

As I watched it I sat up and had this big smile on my face.  OMG I am my person now.  Nobody tells me what to do or how to do it or tears me down, nobody tries to make me who I am anymore.  He never liked who I was, eccentric, quirky, but that is who I am and I am free to be who I am now.  If somebody doesn’t like how I am, too bad, I don’t change my essence for nobody!!!  I like me today, I LOVE ME TODAY!!!  I am letting go the need to be who anyone wants me to be, especially that man who used to be my husband!!

My eyes are open now.  He did me a favor leaving me because how was I ever supposed to work on me when I was never allowed to be me.  Every woman should see the animated movie, “Frozen”, what a cute inspiring movie.  I leave you with the song….

 

LEARNING TO EAT ALONE

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Learning to Eat Alone

I was extra hungry tonight. What a crazy day, it was so crazy I missed lunch, for me that is CRAZY because me missing a meal? Yeah right. Nobody is going to believe that.

I grew up in a big Latin family and cooking is in my blood and it was always a feast. If someone stopped by, sit your butt down you are going to eat and walk out stuffed but always satisfied. Cooking is an emotional thing for me, it is done with love for those you love. Nobody should ever feel hunger. I cook with my heart. That was the one thing when my husband and I separated, he told my kids that without my cooking the house did not seem like a home anymore. That’s right, mama in the kitchen does give a sense of home doesn’t it.

Well now I live by myself. Now what! Am I really going to chop and dice and braise and sauté and fry and roast and steam and and….well you get my drift. Then there is the shopping, the putting things away, the dishes. For just me? NOT! Why go through all that trouble for just me? If my kids come over, that is a different story, but not just for myself.
I started having a bowl of cereal, it was quick and low calorie. There were no dishes, it was inexpensive and helped me keep my girlish figure. Breakfast became PB&J’s and I ate lunch at work. I became a creature of habit.

Well tonight I did something I never did, I LOOKED IN THE FREEZER! I found some beautiful salmon and some red potatoes, green beans and fixings for a salad. I prepared myself a wonderful dinner and DAMN it was good. I realized that this was the first time I made myself dinner for myself since I separated from my husband.

No I refuse to get in the habit of making myself dinner. I am sticking to my cereal and PB& J’s. Today was a treat and maybe I will treat myself every now and then but like I said it saves me money, a mess and time. But I just thought I would share, what a trip…

Then came the realization that you were always taught that there is meal time at the family table.  Shut off the television, gather the children, ask the them how their day went.  This is fundamental.  Well, do I put my teddy bear at the chair and put a plate in front of him and make talk to him.  Maybe I could skype and talk to someone as I eat.  Instead I have two t.v. trays, one for my laptop, one holds my food  and my fav shows are on television. Breakfast with Maury at 3 am and Fox News 4-5.  Rush home do some quick chores and pour put the cereal in the bowl but don’t add the milk and ice cubes until Big Bang Theory starts.  Oh how I love Sheldon…Are you out there Sheldon?  I love you..Please marry me.  I know you are gay, I promise I will be gentle!!

But I will tell you something, what a great feeling to not have to wonder every day after work, gee what do I make for dinner, or darn I need to stop at the market. I don’t need to rush home to prepare dinner either if I don’t want to. I get to go home if I want to and just curl up on the couch and grab my cereal and watch tv and not do anything if I don’t wanna, but if I do wanna extra treat like tonight, then I am going to cook me something. It will be my choice and my choice only. If I don’t wanna…then I’m not!

So as I sit here having breakfast with Maury, I look count the hours till Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and I shall have dinner together tonight…ohhhh I can hardly wait!!!

Ladies let me assure you, this is not every night.  I go to good ol’ mama’s for dinner, I meet up with friends for dinner, I invite my kids over for dinner where I cook up a storm or I meet my kids for dinner.  So fear not, I am not turning into a crazy hermit, this is about finding peace with the most important person you will spend time with…yourself.  Bon Apetit!!!

 

Tranquility Pools

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Tranquility Pools

What is this I feel in my heart
What is this I feel in my soul

The thrashing of the oceans have stopped
The crushing of waves against the cliffs have ceased

All this I carried within every part of me
Developed by pain, anger, resentment

At times the tides were so high twisting and turning
The great waters pulled me under with such force

Like what I carried inside me , it barely let me breath
As soon as I thought I conquered one trial
Another wave of tribulations came crushing over me

Sucking me under as I fought to regain my step
And I fought to regain my step and I fought to regain my step

And then as I turned the side of the cliff
The foam of the water turn crystal blue like glass

So still, so peaceful, so tranquil was this lagoon
My thighs still trembled from fighting the waves

So I layed back and allowed the drift bring me safely to shore
As the water cascaded rubbed against me so soft like a human hand
The gentle rocking of the water so close to a lullaby

Is this my reward?
This stillness of my mind?
the peace in my heart?
this wondrous feeling?

I don’t want to feel the anguish of the stormy waters anymore
I am done being angry and resentful and bitter and sad

But only I can take myself to the beautiful place of serenity, peace and joy.
It is my decision and it is pushing myself through the pain.

But it is hard, and it takes time
and at times you want to just want to give in
but just know if you keep getting up

It is true paradise….

BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM

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BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM

Have you ever thought that maybe you are not happy with your life after divorce/separation because you don’t want to be?  Now, now, before you start sending me “hate” replies, keep reading so I can explain.  I watched this documentary on happiness and they showed this family that lived in South America.  This family lived in a hut with no furniture, just sheets all over the dirt floors, their clothes were disheveled and torn,  the children had no shoes and ran around like little mongrels.    The worst part of all is that every day to eat, they didn’t go to any refrigerator or drive-thru at McDonalds…oh no they had to go to the fields and milk the goats, harvest the veggies, pluck the trees for fruit, momma is grinding something on a big rock with another rock that looks like gruel.  Oh yeah eating is not simple over there.  I will tell you one thing though, if you have to go through all that to eat, you better believe there is not a weight problem over there.  Everyone’s BMI is way below the suggested guidelines.  I hate those damn guidelines, who invented that darn BMI…anyways…

Oh, where was I?  Oh yeah the happy South Americans!  Well they were very social people, they would visit each other, I mean what else was there to do but talk because it isn’t like they could watch t.v. but with no furniture they would just squat.  Yeah, SQUAT!  Could you imagine….”Dear go out back to the goat and get our guest a cup of milk…please guest come into my hut, have a squat”  Ha!

Ok, I am getting carried away, we are supposed to get to a point here.   The whole point on this documentary was how could these families that in our standards, as Americans, living in extreme poverty, say they are so happy.  In my eyes they worked so freaking hard from the time they opened their eyes to the time they went to bed and really didn’t have much to show for.  Yet they all were loving to each other, playful and always smiling.  Wow!

Now my working hard was not putting any smile on my face.  I was harboring a deep resentment against my husband because he ended up with a big beautiful home that he was allowed to kick me out of because it was his mother’s.  Yeah I was bitter seeing him owning a gorgeous home and me renting a small apartment  yet we were paying the same a month.  I was bitter because he worked 5 days a week and I worked 7 days a week, 2 jobs missing family parties, friend weekend getaways and in my head, being flown by Johnny Depp to Paris for a 3 day weekend.  How did I get the raw end of the deal?  Wah wah wah!!!

Now I could have moved back to my mommy’s house in the spare room, maybe put up some Led Zeppelin and KISS posters on the wall and have all kinds of money to burn at the mall, oh hey, I could even afford to buy the clothes at Hot Topics.  I wonder if they would start carding me again?  Let’s not forget Johnny Depp, what am I going to tell him.  Uh yeah Johnny I am a 48 year old but you can pick me up at my mommy’s if you want to fly me to Paris for a 3 day weekend.  For sure he will never ask me for a second date and I cannot risk that.  So of course I stayed in my apartment and I worked 7 days a week, paid my bills, day after day after day.

Something started to happen, I noticed my pocket change turned into a small savings.  Now this maybe no big deal to you, but to Catalina this was huge!  I have always lived check to check with NOTHING NOTHING to spare.  In fact I was borrowing a couple $20s till payday from mom, husband anyone.  So when I looked in my savings and seen in 3 months I saved so so much I was floored.  Now during this time I had changed work assignments which called for more of an office attire wardrobe.  So I had bought me several really nice beautiful dresses.  The kind of dress that people come up to you all day and say, “Wow where did you get that dress?”  and you get to do a little twirl and say, “Ross!”

That savings is not for every weekend fly by the seat whatever.  I have the money for that week camping trip to Yosemite with my adult babies.  I have money to plan getaway trips with my beautiful girlfriends.  I have money for my little sisters first shower gift.  I can take some days off.  I don’t have to work every single weekend.  It is about really picking and choosing and appreciating my time that I do get off.

I noticed my thousands of dollars worth of debt will be zero by June and I could get that car.  Did I do all this myself???  I checked my credit rating and it is really good.  The only thing keeping it from perfect is that I haven’t purchased a home or car, well hello I didn’t know you needed to be buying stuff like that to have better credit…Fine I will get a new car…will that make the credit bureau happy?  I know it will make me happy!  Holy Guacamole good credit? Me?  Where is a pedestal, somebody get me a pedestal and a cape!  I have an incredible need to stand on top of a pedestal with my hands on my hips and declare, “I am a woman!  An independent woman and I am making it out here in this big world with no help from a man or even my mommy!”

Then I thought of that South American family that worked so hard day after day and why they were so happy.  That sense of accomplishment.  It really wasn’t about having a big two-story hut with a local McDonalds they could ride their Ox to at lunchtime for a Big Mac.  No it was that sense of accomplishment.  They had everything they needed there with them.  They had their loved ones.  They had rich soil to harvest their food.  They knew true gratefulness and when you become so grateful for what you have then you will find happiness.

I had it wrong the whole time didn’t I?  I had been ungrateful this whole time.  Wahhhh I have to go to my wonderful county job of almost 20 years that has given me the best of friends and has given me the best assignments!  Wahhhh, I have to go to work at as a pet nutritionist and play with the cutest dogs and basically just chill all day and talk yet make really decent money.  Wahhh I live in a cute 2 bedroom apartment that I pay for all by myself.

So when I say maybe you are not happy with your life because you don’t want to be, think about it.  What are you focusing on.  Him?  Your losses?  The past?  The betrayal?  Is that what you are CHOOSING to focusing on that is making you so unhappy?  I know that is what I was doing.  Turn it around girlie, those South Americans can sure teach us a lot about life.  It is all in how you CHOOSE to look at it!!

So as I walk into my second job, there will be an extra bounce to my step.  A little extra sparkle to my smile…I say extra because there is a whole lotta sparkle already.  I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, today, Saturday, I get to go to work where so many people can’t even find one job, I am blessed with two so I have been able to make it like I set out to do when I started this blog.  This job allows me to be the proud independent woman who I set out to be when my husband kicked me out October 2012 and I was afraid of doing it on my own.   At 50ish I GET to take care of myself and that makes me happier than shit!!!

Healing From A Divorce

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Healing From a Divorce

I picked up a book called…well maybe I shouldn’t blast the name of the book since I don’t want those two crazy …yes crazy…authors coming after me. I wouldn’t even line the bottom of a bird cage for birds to poop on. I take it back, I do want birds to poop on it or anyone else if they want to. No I am not being mean, gross yes, mean no! I won’t even tell you the title because I really would not want any woman going through a divorce reading it.

Let me tell you about the book, because there is a lesson to it. Well evidently these two socialites, hawty tawty, rich women were left by their husbands for younger cuter bombshells. Oh darn, that never feels good. Anyways, these women talk about getting out of their gloomy slumps, realize they need to spice up their looks and get back out there because too can be hot again and catch a man. Uh ok! Let’s think about that. Is this really healing from a separation or divorce or is it masking insecurity by finding another man to make you feel like you still got it?

The tone of the book is pure bitterness. She talks of signs your husband is cheating like is he shaving his gorilla back, or trying to lose his huge beer belly and talks about the little young hussy he is with. Oh yeah they do not paint pretty pictures of their exes. Wow. These women are still angry maybe a little vengeful. They became self-proclaimed experts on divorce because they were friends who were both feeling the wah-wahs and looked in the mirror and realized throughout the years they had let themselves go. They trash every cute women in the world and it is just about being hot hot hot!!! Like a competition???

Now you tell me is this the end you hope to achieve after a divorce. No my little chickadees because these women are going to be back looking at that mirror when they fall again saying, “Now what?” What more make-up, a shorter dress? Oh I got it, let’s bring in the plastic surgeon and let him start hacking away at our bodies, we have to get more beautiful so a man can love us. I mean isn’t that the message we are getting from these women???

NOT HEALED. The end result is not a man! Don’t get me wrong, I hope one day to end up in a relationship with someone that can be my best friend, but I have me to work on. There are so many stages you go through after a separation/divorce and one of them being anger. These women were definitely stuck in that stage when this book was written.

Then there is a healthy stage you will hit where you accept the divorce, see your part and know it is not all just his part no matter how huge his part is and how painful the betrayal was. You, for the most part, forgive. I am not saying you forget. I am not going to lie because if I let myself sit in the past too long, I can get those old feelings stirred up so I make sure to not let myself visit that painful place. It is about healing so I have no business even thinking about that. So yes there is some pain but I choose not to react to it and soon the pain ceases to exist. You get to the point where you can be in your own little apartment and it is peaceful and you feel contentment most of the time with just you and it doesn’t matter what he is doing anymore. The man is not a necessity….just for now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. But today it is about healing me.

This my luvies is what we call healing. Let me tell you, it is awesome.