I’m Renting a Room At My Ex’s Home!

I'm Renting a Room From My ExBelieve it!  I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s.  I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses.  How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years.  Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.

When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.

EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried?  Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would  all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?

I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.

This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.

He said that he was the man he was today because of me.  I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you.  Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.

He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.

I could not stop the tears as I told him that I loved this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left.  Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…

I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more.  So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else.  I see how he treats the girl he was dating now.  He got bored and wants new meat.  That is not what I want for myself.

So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons.  This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy.  This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there.  I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.

Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again.  It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.

For now, home is where mama is!

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BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM

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BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM

Have you ever thought that maybe you are not happy with your life after divorce/separation because you don’t want to be?  Now, now, before you start sending me “hate” replies, keep reading so I can explain.  I watched this documentary on happiness and they showed this family that lived in South America.  This family lived in a hut with no furniture, just sheets all over the dirt floors, their clothes were disheveled and torn,  the children had no shoes and ran around like little mongrels.    The worst part of all is that every day to eat, they didn’t go to any refrigerator or drive-thru at McDonalds…oh no they had to go to the fields and milk the goats, harvest the veggies, pluck the trees for fruit, momma is grinding something on a big rock with another rock that looks like gruel.  Oh yeah eating is not simple over there.  I will tell you one thing though, if you have to go through all that to eat, you better believe there is not a weight problem over there.  Everyone’s BMI is way below the suggested guidelines.  I hate those damn guidelines, who invented that darn BMI…anyways…

Oh, where was I?  Oh yeah the happy South Americans!  Well they were very social people, they would visit each other, I mean what else was there to do but talk because it isn’t like they could watch t.v. but with no furniture they would just squat.  Yeah, SQUAT!  Could you imagine….”Dear go out back to the goat and get our guest a cup of milk…please guest come into my hut, have a squat”  Ha!

Ok, I am getting carried away, we are supposed to get to a point here.   The whole point on this documentary was how could these families that in our standards, as Americans, living in extreme poverty, say they are so happy.  In my eyes they worked so freaking hard from the time they opened their eyes to the time they went to bed and really didn’t have much to show for.  Yet they all were loving to each other, playful and always smiling.  Wow!

Now my working hard was not putting any smile on my face.  I was harboring a deep resentment against my husband because he ended up with a big beautiful home that he was allowed to kick me out of because it was his mother’s.  Yeah I was bitter seeing him owning a gorgeous home and me renting a small apartment  yet we were paying the same a month.  I was bitter because he worked 5 days a week and I worked 7 days a week, 2 jobs missing family parties, friend weekend getaways and in my head, being flown by Johnny Depp to Paris for a 3 day weekend.  How did I get the raw end of the deal?  Wah wah wah!!!

Now I could have moved back to my mommy’s house in the spare room, maybe put up some Led Zeppelin and KISS posters on the wall and have all kinds of money to burn at the mall, oh hey, I could even afford to buy the clothes at Hot Topics.  I wonder if they would start carding me again?  Let’s not forget Johnny Depp, what am I going to tell him.  Uh yeah Johnny I am a 48-year-old but you can pick me up at my mommy’s if you want to fly me to Paris for a 3 day weekend.  For sure he will never ask me for a second date and I cannot risk that.  So of course I stayed in my apartment and I worked 7 days a week, paid my bills, day after day after day.

Something started to happen, I noticed my pocket change turned into a small savings.  Now this maybe no big deal to you, but to Catalina this was huge!  I have always lived check to check with NOTHING NOTHING to spare.  In fact I was borrowing a couple $20s till payday from mom, husband anyone.  So when I looked in my savings and seen in 3 months I saved so so much I was floored.  Now during this time I had changed work assignments which called for more of an office attire wardrobe.  So I had bought me several really nice beautiful dresses.  The kind of dress that people come up to you all day and say, “Wow where did you get that dress?”  and you get to do a little twirl and say, “Ross!”

That savings is not for every weekend fly by the seat whatever.  I have the money for that week camping trip to Yosemite with my adult babies.  I have money to plan getaway trips with my beautiful girlfriends.  I have money for my little sisters first shower gift.  I can take some days off.  I don’t have to work every single weekend.  It is about really picking and choosing and appreciating my time that I do get off.

I noticed my thousands of dollars worth of debt will be zero by June and I could get that car.  Did I do all this myself???  I checked my credit rating and it is really good.  The only thing keeping it from perfect is that I haven’t purchased a home or car, well hello I didn’t know you needed to be buying stuff like that to have better credit…Fine I will get a new car…will that make the credit bureau happy?  I know it will make me happy!  Holy Guacamole good credit? Me?  Where is a pedestal, somebody get me a pedestal and a cape!  I have an incredible need to stand on top of a pedestal with my hands on my hips and declare, “I am a woman!  An independent woman and I am making it out here in this big world with no help from a man or even my mommy!”

Then I thought of that South American family that worked so hard day after day and why they were so happy.  That sense of accomplishment.  It really wasn’t about having a big two-story hut with a local McDonalds they could ride their Ox to at lunchtime for a Big Mac.  No it was that sense of accomplishment.  They had everything they needed there with them.  They had their loved ones.  They had rich soil to harvest their food.  They knew true gratefulness and when you become so grateful for what you have then you will find happiness.

I had it wrong the whole time didn’t I?  I had been ungrateful this whole time.  Wahhhh I have to go to my wonderful county job of almost 20 years that has given me the best of friends and has given me the best assignments!  Wahhhh, I have to go to work at as a pet nutritionist and play with the cutest dogs and basically just chill all day and talk yet make really decent money.  Wahhh I live in a cute 2 bedroom apartment that I pay for all by myself.

So when I say maybe you are not happy with your life because you don’t want to be, think about it.  What are you focusing on.  Him?  Your losses?  The past?  The betrayal?  Is that what you are CHOOSING to focusing on that is making you so unhappy?  I know that is what I was doing.  Turn it around girlie, those South Americans can sure teach us a lot about life.  It is all in how you CHOOSE to look at it!!

So as I walk into my second job, there will be an extra bounce to my step.  A little extra sparkle to my smile…I say extra because there is a whole lotta sparkle already.  I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, today, Saturday, I get to go to work where so many people can’t even find one job, I am blessed with two so I have been able to make it like I set out to do when I started this blog.  This job allows me to be the proud independent woman who I set out to be when my husband kicked me out October 2012 and I was afraid of doing it on my own.   At 50ish I GET to take care of myself and that makes me happier than shit!!!

Healing From A Divorce

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Healing From a Divorce

I picked up a book called…well maybe I shouldn’t blast the name of the book since I don’t want those two crazy …yes crazy…authors coming after me. I wouldn’t even line the bottom of a bird-cage for birds to poop on. I take it back, I do want birds to poop on it or anyone else if they want to. No I am not being mean, gross yes, mean no! I won’t even tell you the title because I really would not want any woman going through a divorce reading it.

Let me tell you about the book, because there is a lesson to it. Well evidently these two socialites, hawty tawty, rich women were left by their husbands for younger cuter bombshells. Oh darn, that never feels good. Anyways, these women talk about getting out of their gloomy slumps, realize they need to spice up their looks and get back out there because too can be hot again and catch a man. Uh ok! Let’s think about that. Is this really healing from a separation or divorce or is it masking insecurity by finding another man to make you feel like you still got it?

The tone of the book is pure bitterness. She talks of signs your husband is cheating like is he shaving his gorilla back, or trying to lose his huge beer belly and talks about the little young hussy he is with. Oh yeah they do not paint pretty pictures of their exes. Wow. These women are still angry maybe a little vengeful. They became self-proclaimed experts on divorce because they were friends who were both feeling the wah-wahs and looked in the mirror and realized throughout the years they had let themselves go. They trash every cute women in the world and it is just about being hot hot hot!!! Like a competition???

Now you tell me is this the end you hope to achieve after a divorce. No my little chickadees because these women are going to be back looking at that mirror when they fall again saying, “Now what?” What more make-up, a shorter dress? Oh I got it, let’s bring in the plastic surgeon and let him start hacking away at our bodies, we have to get more beautiful so a man can love us. I mean isn’t that the message we are getting from these women???

NOT HEALED. The end result is not a man! Don’t get me wrong, I hope one day to end up in a relationship with someone who can be my best friend, but I have me to work on. There are so many stages you go through after a separation/divorce and one of them being anger. These women were definitely stuck in that stage when this book was written.

Then there is a healthy stage you will hit where you accept the divorce, see your part and know it is not all just his part no matter how huge his part is and how painful the betrayal was. You, for the most part, forgive. I am not saying you forget. I am not going to lie because if I let myself sit in the past too long, I can get those old feelings stirred up so I make sure to not let myself visit that painful place. It is about healing so I have no business even thinking about that. So yes there is some pain but I choose not to react to it and soon the pain ceases to exist. You get to the point where you can be in your own little apartment and it is peaceful and you feel contentment most of the time with just you and it doesn’t matter what he is doing anymore. The man is not a necessity….just for now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. But today it is about healing me.

This my luvies is what we call healing. Let me tell you, it is awesome.

HOME ALONE!!!

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HOME ALONE!!!

By far the hardest challenge you will face with divorce will be the loneliness. I felt I lost my purpose, there was nobody to go home to after work, cook for, talk to, “Hey how was your day”. Nobody to sit and watch television with. But mostly there was nobody to lay down and go to bed with. That was one way of thinking. My sister called me and was telling me about not being able to go to the gym because she had the baby and dinner, and her eldest daughter that and laundry this and husband that and this and that…and so on and so on…..a small smile started growing on my face. As I was driving home that small smile or smirk, if you may, stayed on my face, and a knowing look crossed my eyes. My focus was extreme and deep.

I walked in my apartment and took off my shoes…threw them on the floor and let them fall where they may. I took off my clothes and did the same, let them hit the floor, and let them fall where ever they may, they landed right next to my purse and keys. I grabbed an ice cream bar and thought, eh this is enough dinner, grabbed a pillow and turned on the television to the channel I wanted and plopped on the sofa. Right there in my bra and underwear. I sat eating my ice cream and didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do because guess what…I didn’t have anything I had to do…AND IT FELT AWESOME!!!!

As I got sleepy later on that night I made it a point to make a flying leap into my bed and put my arms out like an eagle and landed right in the middle of my bed…MY BED!!! For a minute I had the wild urge to get up and jump on my bed, should I? I will have to look forward to another day. I snuggled with my soft pillows and comforter…Peace! No stress! Sorry sister!

SCREAM THE TRUTH…

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SCREAM THE TRUTH TILL IT DOESN’T HURT

Suppose your man left you for another woman. Suppose it hurts you to the core. Or maybe he just left you and you are still hurting. Whatever the reason, you are hurting and you want it to stop already. What are we supposed to do to get over the pain.

I heard about forgiveness exercise where you lay down, close your eyes and do vision work. Well I was angry and I was hurting and I thought, I need to puke this forgiveness thing and do it now…

Just so happens I was on the freeway heading towards downtown Los Angeles.

As I got to 65 mph, I  hollered at the top of my lungs, “I wish pure love and happiness for my ex because he deserves it”.  No, I didn’t mean it.  Anyways, I said it again, and I said it again, over and over. I can’t tell you how far I drove, but it had to be over 25 miles.  I had the momentum going.  I was yelling from my gut, my heart but more importantly, I was wanting to believe it. It wasn’t  because I feel they deserve it but because I hurt so freaking much and just wanted to stop hurting already!!! So I yelled and yelled over and over how I wished him love and happiness. At first it hurt so bad to say it because no I didn’t want any of that for him, but the more I said it, something happened. My throat started to get parched from hollering so much, but my stomach started hurting less. So I got daring and threw in “and I forgive him as a person”, boy did that hurt but again I said it over and over.

When my drive was over, it was dusk. I was parched and I grabbed some water and went to bed. I was physically and emotionally spent.

Something felt very different about me, I can’t explain it. That tension that I had felt in my stomach for so long was gone.

That next morning I actually forgot about my drive. I saw a cheese cake my daughter made and I was joking that her berries were not uniform and we need to get a ruler so we could spread them out evenly. She looked at me and she asked if I was drunk. She was laughing. I realized that I was really being silly and felt much lighter. A feeling of AHHHHH, is all I could explain it as. I have no technical term for this therapy that I did on the fly except, Scream the truth till it doesn’t hurt!

The concept, I picked something I was hurt and angry about and I hollered and hollered good things about this person until the pain in the pit of my stomach went away. I started a path of forgiveness. My pain was definitely eased. I needed to hurt less and it sure seemed that is exactly what happened. Wow.  They say we have to learn to forgive, not for them, but for ourselves….

MY HEART ACHED FOR MY HUSBAND….

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MY HEART ACHED FOR MY HUSBAND

Today I had a heavy heart. It was for my husband. You see I have a gift that I like to call intuition, some people call me bruja, some people call me gifted, others see it as going against God because you shouldn’t see what the future brings. Hey it isn’t my fault and it only happens sometimes. My sister had a dream that included him, my sister thinks of him often. My heavy heart comes because he made a horrible mistake breaking up his family. It was the worst thing that could have happened to him, yet the best thing that could have happened to me and he is witnessing the effects of it all.

He will see my happiness continue to grow and it saddens me. I would never rub anything in his nose like, “Nanny, Nanny, Nanny!” My heart has softened towards him, my love has evolved for him, not as a wife but kinda like a close relative because he is my history. I do and will always have a love for him. I never wish him any pain.

Today my heart ached for him and I thought, God please give him a happy life too.

I CHOOSE TO STOP HATING MY HUSBAND!

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I CHOOSE TO STOP HATING MY HUSBAND!

As I look back at my blogs, they are kinda bashing on my ex aren’t they. But that is ok, because he really was not a nice person to me. Why is it that everyone that knows him thinks he is the nicest person in the world? Could it be my forcing him to be where he didn’t want to be (with me) made him the most miserable person and he lashed out at the person he was miserable at…me. Maybe.

Things have changed now that we are not together. Now that I am not his live in wife (the divorce is not final yet). He is very cordial, polite, generous, giving. For instance, he found out that my car was having problems starting. He came over and cleaned my battery terminals and they work fine. He found out that my daughter will be moving out and I will have to live alone and he told me as he was leaving me yesterday if I need anything, help financially, help with my car, help with moving, or getting a place, anything, don’t hesitate to call him, he will help anyway he can. He said if I need to take the car to the mechanic just take it and bill it to him. WOW!!!

When he asked me for a divorce, he pretty much destroyed an entire family. My daughter and I were asked to leave the house we were living with his mother and him because his mother was not getting along with my daughter. His mother is his only living relative left and she is in the hospital and I don’t give her more than a couple months to live with her Cancer. My family is a very large loving Hispanic family that he lost when he asked me for a divorce. He will have only my 2 kids as his family. I have a large support system and he is left in a large 4 bedroom house alone which I guess he won’t stay single forever.

I am just reflecting at the growth he has made as a human being. He sees now what he lost, he tells the kids how much he misses me, how the house seems empty without me, the house doesn’t seem like a home anymore, and my cooking…oh how he misses my cooking too. My kids have had to tell him to leave me alone that I am doing good being by myself and not to ruin things, so he grudgingly agrees.

I am saying all this because I want the world to know that in my heart I totally forgive my husband for everything. To me he has changed his ways and is now a wonderful father to my kids and is attempting to aid me in my independence. I think he has turned out to be a good man in God’s eyes. My forgiving him is important to me in my healing because I need to not harbor any resentments that could keep me ill and bitter. I like that peace that fills my heart and that weight that has been lifted from my heart. I like to feel he is a good man and just does the best he does with what he had. Nobody can judge another because we don’t know the path they had to walk through. Actually I do know the path he had to go through and it was a pretty bad one and that is why I choose to forgive him. It was a path full of violence and one of no physical love and that is why I choose to forgive him.

So today I am choosing to release all anger against my husband so that I may heal and be a better person. I hope others will follow suit.