How Can You Fly If You Never Try
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Will Time Heal This Loneliness?
Can you believe it has been almost 2 years since I separated with my husband, and a year and a half since I had a boyfriend. It says that you should wait and heal. Don’t jump into another relationship too fast…So that is what I have done. Yup, waiting and waiting.Did I say I was waiting? Yup, I am still here waiting. Been real good at it too. Some might say I have become a real pro. Went to see a movie and play pool with a male and made it real clear that he was not going to get to even first base so don’t even try. Well he tried. Being the pro that I am, I caught him right in his tracks. I said, “Oh no you don’t mistah! Don’t you know that I am working on me! Steve Harvey says if you like me, you have to wait around for six months”. Guess what? Ha! He never called again.
So a year and a half since my last boyfriend, and I am waiting and healing and working on myself.
I was watching some television and I don’t know what came over me, I felt lonely. It is happening a lot lately. No, it isn’t horniness, so get that off your dirty mind. I just kinda, sorta, wish I had someone to joke around with, talk at, tease. male attention.
I love my girlfriends and my kids and my family, but there is a different dynamic with male attention and I don’t mean that you are even going to have sex with them. I am talking about the male-female friendship part of being a couple. I miss that.
I have had to learn to be happy by being by myself so even the mention that I feel lonely is such a taboo word. Guess what people…I do feel lonely a lot of the time, but I push that feeling down because I am not supposed to project that feeling or else it means I am not healing and man if I am not healing then will I ever get to where I should be to? Exactly where am I supposed to get anyways. Sometimes I don’t even know.
Tonight is a hiccup and it will pass, but there are days, nights, moments, where I fall off my little pink cloud and just feel like licking my wounds because there are still some that have not healed, ouch, it’s smarts still. Time right?
Don’t stare at the clock, just wait and let the time pass but don’t think of the time and one day the pain will be gone.
Please hurry Father Time….
How much time passed?
Are we there yet?
I wrote this not too long ago and I just realized that so much has changed. This is a sad post. Things are much better~!
LEARNING TO SLEEP ALONE
One of the hardest parts of learning to be alone was not having a body next to mine. Don’t get me wrong, there for a long time my husband and I were sleeping in the same bed and accidentally our feet would touch and it was like Kryptonite. I would recoil like it burned like acid. No, I didn’t want him, but I was craving human contact so I think I was subconsciously doing it in my sleep because I longed for that.
When I finally got my bed here in my apartment I would scoot all the way next to the wall and keep my body next to it all night. It was that feeling of having something next to me. See I grew up in a large family and there were so many kids we slept sideways on a full bed so we could all slept together. There were so many nights my sister Oli and I would go together holding each other tight. I am a very affectionate person. The human touch is something I miss. When I see people I am a hugger.
Nights were hard for me. I longed for a body next to me. I longed for someone to hold. I started joking I needed a teddy bear. Well guess what, for Christmas my daughter got me the biggest fluffiest sweetest looking teddy bear. You should have heard me squeal.. Let us remind us that I am a 48-year-old woman, not 4! He had a big red bow and black button eyes and so so huggeable! And yes that is what I did as the kids opened their gifts I sat there hugging it.
The oddest thing happened that night. I had to spend Christmas alone that night, sad huh? I should have tears in my pillows right? WRONG!!! I jumped in my Sponge Bog Jammies with footsies and turned on my heater and plopped in bed with my Ted and hugged him tight. Is this why children cry for their teddy bears, oh my God I was so comforted! Did I look like a weirdo, of course I did!! But the rewards and the sense of peace I felt were astonishing. I fell right to sleep.
I showed the FaceBook world my favorite gift and asked everyone to help me name him. What a response, but we came up with “Ted”. Wow that is a no brainer! He became popular among my friend.
I posted a picture of my Ted on the Toilet with a magazine on its lap and put a caption, “My damn roommate is getting on my last nerve, he needs to learn to close the door when he does his business!”
Everyone thought it was funny except for one male and he said that this was weird and enough of being single I needed a man.
What this person doesn’t realize this was a done out of humor, I am an eccentric playful person. If I have to hug a teddy bear while I heal and work on my defects of character and work on myself so that I don’t rush into another relationship that ends up not working out again then that is what needs to happen. I am in the process of working on self-love and having a man, just hurrying up and getting a man because really I have not found one that I felt a connection with. So to me I would be settling. Catalina needs to learn to limp before she can walk and learn to walk before she can run. So my Ted is like a prosthetic just for comfort. No I am not dry humping it at night, no I am not making out with it and telling it to tell me to love me. IT IS FOR COMFORT ONLY !!!!
You know I have to give it to myself, there is a big part of me that doesn’t care what other people think, I have an inner child that I let out that helps me be playful and that brings out my happiness, thus having jammies with footsies and teddy bears! You know I account much of my healing on having the healthiest inner child out of anyone I know. I have no shame and will do a cart-wheel in a mall, climb a tree, I love blowing bubbles, dressing up like a cheerleader and going to work. My coworkers think I am crazy but love my spirit. I see it as my inner child that loves to come out and play play play! Go ahead dare me to do anything, you won’t even have to double dog dare me, I will do it anyways!
What prompted me to write this was I was watching an episode of Leave it to Beaver and Ward Clever tells the boys, “You are never too old to do goofy stuff.” What a concept. I loved that. True happiness is allowing your inner child out to play and I am blessed, in fact I have to tell my inner child, “Alright already get back in, I gotta get some work done already!”
So no I don’t need to kick Ted in the trash and hook up with some dude and burn my Sponge Bob jammies and start wearing kinky lingerie, I am not rushing anything, and I am perfectly normal!
Gee look at the time….Where is Ted, ahhh just where I left him…in bed waiting for me. Sweet dreams…
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SOMETIMES OUR MINDS ARE OUR WORST ENEMIES
Through my divorce I have come to learn so much about myself, what makes me tick, who I am. I have come to the conclusion that I am not Miss Superwoman. I am a work in process. Divorce is like death and I knew it wouldnt be overnightexpect to be healed in a few months. Yes it is an amicable divorce and my ex and I have decided to remain friends, but it is still the death of a life I knew for 29 years and the death of a future I thought was going to unfold into a certain way. I am blindsided as to what the future holds now and I feel like I am standing at the beginning of 10 roads not knowing where any one of then leads to whereas before I knew where my future was leading.
I started to date, that didn’t work out. Maybe it was too soon. It just added to my pain when that didn’t work out. I hadn’t healed from the pain of one and then to add more pain…not good. Then the mind starts to wander, is it me? My own mind started to become my worst enemy. Ok I ended it but maybe he wanted me to end it. Silliness! What is wrong with me? Am I unloveable? Who will love me?
Oh yeah take it from me, your brain can turn on you. It can start telling you a lot of negative things, and mine did just that. It told me I wasn’t pretty enough, my body wasn’t good enough, and it did not let up! It told me morning, noon and night. I fell into a depression.
You see what I learned about depression is that it is caused by living in past disappointments. Ruminating in them if you will. You go over and over in them in your head. Well if only I had did this, if only I had said that. We think if we could go back we could fix things but in reality all we are doing is sinking deeper and deeper into depression because we are so absorbed so long in negative thoughts and those negative thoughts are about us…think about it, how good are we going to feel if we do that.
Somehow I had to learn to pull myself out of the past and bring myself into the present. As soon as my mind wandered back to some wah wah moment, I caught myself and told myself…ok yeah that was pretty sad but let’s come back to the present. And boy do I have to do that A LOT. There is a special meditation on that kind of thinking called mindfulness. All I know is that I have to stop living in the past moment of my past love that only brings me grief and sadness because I miss him and come back to reality. I will think, oh look at the pretty flowers on my desk and focus on that to bring me out of it. Depression is a boogar but we can pull ourself out of it, it is really hard but we can do it.
Don’t listen to what your brain is saying about yourself unless it is saying, “Damn you are one hot MAMA!!”
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I CHOOSE TO STOP HATING MY HUSBAND!
As I look back at my blogs, they are kinda bashing on my ex aren’t they. But that is ok, because he really was not a nice person to me. Why is it that everyone that knows him thinks he is the nicest person in the world? Could it be my forcing him to be where he didn’t want to be (with me) made him the most miserable person and he lashed out at the person he was miserable at…me. Maybe.
Things have changed now that we are not together. Now that I am not his live in wife (the divorce is not final yet). He is very cordial, polite, generous, giving. For instance, he found out that my car was having problems starting. He came over and cleaned my battery terminals and they work fine. He found out that my daughter will be moving out and I will have to live alone and he told me as he was leaving me yesterday if I need anything, help financially, help with my car, help with moving, or getting a place, anything, don’t hesitate to call him, he will help anyway he can. He said if I need to take the car to the mechanic just take it and bill it to him. WOW!!!
When he asked me for a divorce, he pretty much destroyed an entire family. My daughter and I were asked to leave the house we were living with his mother and him because his mother was not getting along with my daughter. His mother is his only living relative left and she is in the hospital and I don’t give her more than a couple months to live with her Cancer. My family is a very large loving Hispanic family that he lost when he asked me for a divorce. He will have only my 2 kids as his family. I have a large support system and he is left in a large 4 bedroom house alone which I guess he won’t stay single forever.
I am just reflecting at the growth he has made as a human being. He sees now what he lost, he tells the kids how much he misses me, how the house seems empty without me, the house doesn’t seem like a home anymore, and my cooking…oh how he misses my cooking too. My kids have had to tell him to leave me alone that I am doing good being by myself and not to ruin things, so he grudgingly agrees.
I am saying all this because I want the world to know that in my heart I totally forgive my husband for everything. To me he has changed his ways and is now a wonderful father to my kids and is attempting to aid me in my independence. I think he has turned out to be a good man in God’s eyes. My forgiving him is important to me in my healing because I need to not harbor any resentments that could keep me ill and bitter. I like that peace that fills my heart and that weight that has been lifted from my heart. I like to feel he is a good man and just does the best he does with what he had. Nobody can judge another because we don’t know the path they had to walk through. Actually I do know the path he had to go through and it was a pretty bad one and that is why I choose to forgive him. It was a path full of violence and one of no physical love and that is why I choose to forgive him.
So today I am choosing to release all anger against my husband so that I may heal and be a better person. I hope others will follow suit.
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FATHER’S DAY DOESN’T INCLUDE ME ANYMORE…
It was Father’s Day. I didn’t like it. I felt left out. I felt prepared and everything. I mean come on it isn’t like my ex is “my” father or anything. Not to mention I had the best Mother’s Day ever.
I knew it was coming too because the day before I felt some sadness in me, an inexplainable sadness when I heard that the kids were taking him to eat and I just swallowed hard and thought, “Yeah and what, I had my day, good for them.” I carried on with my day.
As the hours went by, a veil of sadness became heavier and heavier and denser and denser. I realized that I was feeling not part of. This was my first Father’s Day in a broken family. Now why didn’t Valentine’s Day feel bad, or Christmas or such. Well I guess because my kids still included me in those days, but this day was a total, YOU ARE NOT PART OF THIS DAY!
In face I mentioned something to my daughter and she gave me this caca face and said in this big time incredulous face, “You’re wanting to go with us for Father’s Day?” Of course my caca incredulous face had to beat hers as I said, “Hell no!” What a little smart butt, HOW RUDE!!!
But it is true, I am no longer part of this day. This day belongs to my childre and their dad period! No reason to take it personal. Let bigones be bigones, let it be none of my business and don’t let my ego get involved in this. Am I so self absorbed that it must always be about me me me! This is not the playground and it isn’t kids playing and they won’t let me play. It is my children going to spend time with their father, don’t read so much into it and go do something else with your day, I told myself!
Ok I had to get myself out of these blues, so I got dressed, called up my mother and said let’s go have Fathers Day’s together. She was gung Ho! So I did, had breakfast with my mom and kept myself busy.
BUT….I was a good sport and called my ex and wished him a Happy Father’s Day. We talked like friends for a few minutes and hung up. Wasn’t that grown up of me, I think so. Life goes on right?
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AS LONELINESS SUBSIDES
I can remember the days of sitting at home. My life went into a stand still. My friends went here and there and I stayed home waiting because what if just what if my husband would take time off his self-centered life that was all about drinking, surfing and his friends and would want to include me for a fast second. I wanted to make sure I was there if that moment ever happened. Ha!
I’m glad I didn’t hold my breath.
Those days are over. Now my life consists of dinners with friends, trips, shows, concerts, exercise, movies, restaurants…life is in session.
As I look at the fury of people walking the strip in and out of the casinos, the details of the statuesque buildings like the Eiffel Tower, I am reminding how I never left the confines of my home. Oh, ok, maybe I snuck away to the corner bar now and then…wow.
Life can be so much more than waiting for someone who is unavailable. Life can feel like you are breathing and one day doesn’t just blends into the next. Days mean something now, they actually have a meaning and a purpose and there is pleasure.
I like that I can say, what does my day hold for me today, what shall I do, who shall I see…I like that I have so many options.
I can breathe for the first time in my life, and it’s deep and it doesn’t have a sigh at the end…and I like that.
