Signs You Are Getting Bitter! 

humor side of divorce

Now I am not going to say that I never get bitter, it is natural especially if you were the one that was left.  Watch yourself and if you start talking like this, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY GETTING BITTER!  Bitter alert, bitter alert!

Don’t sound like this:

  • “Did you see his new ho, she is hideous!” (Even if she looks like Jennifer Anniston, you are going to go over her with a fine tooth comb and find something wrong).
  • “Date? After my marriage I don’t want to see another man ever.” (Wait, I hear that Johnny Depp wants to go out with you, still swearing off men forever? Give it time and you will want to jump right back on the horse…literally).
  • “All the good men are taken or gay!”, (Guess what there are men that were jilted too. There are men that chose careers before, widows, unhappily married men…gee the choices).
  • “He is never going to find anyone like me!” (Can’t rule out, cloning can we?)
  • “One day he is going to regret leaving me and by then it will be too late!” (Spoiler alert, men don’t break up marriages for anything.  He made it final because for some reason the two of you were not mean to be.  That is all, accept it.)
  • “All men are alike!” (Whoah, whoah that is the ultimate “bitter woman” comment. Just like you are unique, so are men so do not sabotage your chances with limited thinking).

What other self-defeating things are you saying?  On a serious note, that kind of thinking can really hold you back from becoming a happily single woman that is the prime catch for those eligible men out there. Trust me they are out there. Just realize, would you like to go out with a negative nilly?  A man that is full of criticism or an optimistic person that see’s the lighter side of life.  You have to attain the same qualities you are looking for a man.  So when you start saying negative things, stop yourself and make yourself realize that is just your hurt and anger getting the best of you.  Only you can control your thoughts.

“Hate. It has caused a lot of problems in this world but has not solved one yet.”

– Maya Angelou

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FINDING MYSELF!!!

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Anyone that has went through or going through a break up or divorce has to admit that there were some signs.  Most of us had those signs of unhappiness.  Can you claim, why did he leave you because you were so happy with him and now you are not.  I will give you that you may not be happy now but were you truly happy with him right before.  Think about it.  If you were the one left and you knew he was not happy, could you really be bouncing around the house feeling on top of the world being in a marriage knowing your mate is miserable with you?

My husband used that on me, he told me that I was not happy anyways.  Uh yeah of course not because I knew you didn’t really want me and how the hell am I supposed to be happy you dimwit!  Jeez.  But let’s not throw stones.  Let’s leave the part out.  No I was not happy for a long time.  He was not the man to make me happy.

For one big thing, I could not be “me” with him.  See I have a great inner child that he didn’t like too much.  He was always telling me to act like an adult.  Grow up, be mature, stop playing around so much, close the door, do the dishes, brush my hair, am I going to wear that?,

Or there would be the questions, who left the door open, who left the t.v. on?  Who was the last one in the bathroom and forgot to turn off the light?  This was all day long.  He followed me and watched and looked for things I would do wrong.  Decorating the house for Christmas or Halloween would be a big lecture, we were just making a big mess.  Everything was a put-down or criticism to me and the kids.  We would ask to play a board game with us, yeah right, that is dumb.  The kids wanted to have a sleep over in the station wagon and pretend we were homeless so we did, omg what is wrong with you are you crazy, get the kids in the house, what will the neighbors say.

It became a going thing, “Oh shit, dads home!” friends would leave, everyone looked around the house to see what was out-of-order.  Wow I am thinking now.  Life really sucked!  But anyways…

I wasn’t free to be me.  He didn’t like me.  Catalina was a mess.  She joked too much, life was a game to her, board games juvenile, silliness all silliness, I loved dancing, he loved drinking,, I loved a house full of laughing playing kids, he wanted silence….everything I did got on his nerves.

Oh I tried to be who he wanted.  I would clean the house spotless and he would blow it because I forgot the trash.

So no, I was not happy but I did not know the extent of my unhappiness.  I did not know that this stifling and condemning me the person, the tearing at me personally was ripping at the core of who I was and what I felt about myself.  I started to let myself go and I gained a lot of weight.  I slept if I was not working.  My inner child became locked up inside more and more to the point where she never came out and all sense of play in me died.  I became very depressed.

I gave up asking for his time and let him go do his thing and just stayed in bed.

I was watching the cute Disney movie “Frozen” this weekend when the young queen escapes the confines of her castle and runs into the mountains to her freedom away from what is expected of her and she is finally able to use her so-called “curse” which makes everything into ice, freely and feels invigorated and empowered for the first time in her life.  She blasts a sexy ice dress on herself and flings this sexy flowing hair and builds this castle just throwing out her arms freely releasing who she really is, the ice queen as she belts out the song, “Let it Go!”

As I watched it I sat up and had this big smile on my face.  OMG I am my person now.  Nobody tells me what to do or how to do it or tears me down, nobody tries to make me who I am anymore.  He never liked who I was, eccentric, quirky, but that is who I am and I am free to be who I am now.  If somebody doesn’t like how I am, too bad, I don’t change my essence for nobody!!!  I like me today, I LOVE ME TODAY!!!  I am letting go the need to be who anyone wants me to be, especially that man who used to be my husband!!

My eyes are open now.  He did me a favor leaving me because how was I ever supposed to work on me when I was never allowed to be me.  Every woman should see the animated movie, “Frozen”, what a cute inspiring movie.  I leave you with the song….

 

I NEEDED HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!

 

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Some guy came on to me today and honey let me tell you he was hot hot.  Total eye candy and I am sure, another kind of candy.  I have my shares of propositions and requests for dates and somehow it just doesn’t work out.  But this guy was tall, handsome, well dressed…he had it all.  He approached me and the way he started talking I knew right away….Player.  He had that “Rico Suave” personality.  He made it very obvious as he looked me up and down and tilted his head and said, “Hey sexy”  Say Whuuut!!! Did I have “Ho” written on my forehead?  I looked at him and put the gas cap back on my car, got in and drove away.

But this isn’t about being treated like a piece of beef.  I can remember wanting to thank some gardeners that drove by and honked at me because I was starving for that assurance so a few months back I would have probably been in some motel room with this Rico Suave.  A few years ago I was starving for my husband to tell me I was pretty, that he loved me, that he appreciated me.  My emotional tank was empty and I blamed it all on my husband because he never showed me love.  Oh how I would beg him to tell me, and of course when he wouldn’t, that would make me feel more depleted than ever. I had a void that I could not feel and it was in the pit of my stomach.  I swear I could feel it when I would cry, it felt so hollow in there.

It was no wonder that I jumped into a relationship so fast because he was saying all the things I needed to hear, words like “love” and “beautiful”.  I was drinking it up.  But what was funny was that he could tell me a million times and I was like a pool with a hole in it.  That relationship obviously didn’t work.

Truthfully I have spent my whole life blaming my husband for being a horrible person because all I wanted was him to show me he loved me.  In my eyes life would have been so much different.  If he could have just showed me love I would have felt better about myself and the would have been full of unicorns and rainbows don’t you know…NOT!

My pool WAS full of holes.  Or rather my tank was empty, bone dry empty.  That lack of love I had for myself made me insecure, jealous, miserable, needy…doesn’t sound like a fun person to be mated with does it.  So after my unsuccessful relationship after my husband, I decided to stay solo, actually it was recommended.

This is when I discovered I have used men as a fix my whole life, to make me feel better because I couldn’t make myself feel better.  I am addicted to love.  When I had no man to focus on, WOW, my marriage that I thought I was doing great getting over all of a sudden was not so easy getting over.  All of a sudden it felt like someone was dying, it was kind of the truth.  My marriage died and I never mourned it because I jumped into another relationship to kill the pain like an alcoholic grabs a bottle to numb his pain.

But without the booze, that alcoholic is going to feel every pain and that is exactly what I did, but that is exactly what I needed to do.  For the first time since we broke up, a year and a half before, I broke down over my marriage.  I was not the Super Woman that I thought I was.  With no man to take my focus off my husband, I realized I was going to miss him dearly.  I spent many a night crying.  I was breaking down at work, in the car.  Everywhere,.  It was controlling me but I had to let it out of my system.

That pain that I experienced was that pain in the hollow in my stomach, it felt so empty.  No teddy bear could  take it away, some days I got extra scary bad but I trudged.  But I stayed single and I started meditating and looking at why did I have such low self-esteem.  No man was going to make me happy, nor would I make any man happy until I figured out where this non-self love was coming from.

I was looking deep within myself for an answer and fast forward to the day when that hot hot guy came on to me.  I thought, who the hell does this guy think I am.  A miracle happened, I don’t know when this happened, how this happened but as I was driving I thought…I have no void.  That empty hollow feeling is gone.  I pulled the rear view mirror at myself and looked deep into my eyes.  “I love you”, I said…I waited for a reaction of a cringe…there wasn’t one.  Opposite, I liked how I felt when I said it.  I had to pull over and text my friend telling her MY VOID IS GONE!!!

People, I had this void since I was a little girl, I can’t remember anytime in my life when I didn’t feel that void.  All because I taught myself how to not expect love and approval from other but instead give it to myself.  This came from books I read from Louise Hay and Eckart Tolle.

I am on my way to a better world and like a car with a full tank of gas.  With this full tank, I am going to see the world!!!!!

PEACE OF MIND…PEACE IN YOUR HEART

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I can be on the treadmill and close my eyes and reach a point of stillness, of silence and drown out the clinging of the weights, the booming of the music.  A place of peace and serenity. A place I never have been before.

A year and a half ago I was forced out of the house I was living with my husband because my mother-in-law owned the house.  A couple months before my husband had already asked me for a divorce and I was sleeping on the couch.  I knew the marriage was over, I think, I wasn’t sure.  I mean we have said it a million times before and it never happened so I think in the back of my head it might have been a hollow threat.

“Sure you want a divorce, fine I will give you one!”

But in the back of my head I thought maybe we would get back together when his mother would die.  She was dying of terminal Cancer and she and my daughters’ fighting was one of the reasons we were fighting..  Guess what he offered.  He told me he had an extra room because after my daughter moved out he didn’t want me to live by myself.

Ok let’s think about that.  That sounds like roommate talk no?  Then I find out he has a girlfriend.  Ok this is becoming more real.  Now I find out he doesn’t want me back anymore.

Now let’s get this straight, I would never ever go back to him.  I know he will never ever make me happy.  This is not the issue.  I am a sick puppy here because listen to what the issue is.

I wanted him to be in that big house all by himself, so depressed and cursing the day he ever let me go.  I wanted him to ask me to come home as a wife and me tell him, no you hurt me and I never want you back.  I wanted him to apologize for what he did.  I wanted him to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Guess what people.  He moved on and didn’t look back.  The girls really like him, he has a big house because of his mother leaving it to him so he has something to offer. Whew. Well that Karma didn’t quite work out like I wanted it to and I have a lot of work to do on myself on getting over this resentment that I have on things not being fair. Because in the scheme of life I will make my life happy. Life with him was not supposed to be and that pain was not for nothing, feel it and let it go…let it go! My time will come because I am a good person. But the most important thing of all. Don’t obsess over him because it is none of my business what life deals him, good or bad, it just is out of my control whether he becomes a bum or a millionaire. That is too much energy spent on him. If I could spend that much energy spent on myself, I could turn that negative energy into positive energy and do something useful to bring myself up.

So this is my main focus in my life right now, dealing with my resentments and learning to let them go. Not let my ex live in my head rent free. I am learning some pretty cool meditation tools to learn to still my mind for that endless chatter and it is helpful.

So if you are dealing with anger and it is eating you up, you have some forgiveness you have to work on because it will eat you alive.

When I think he has a house and a girlfriend, I remind myself, yeah but I have a mom that is still alive, and man I would rather have my mom more than any man or any house. It is all in how you see things.

Peace be with me…Peace be with you and may all our resentments leave us so we may live in serenity and have peace in our hearts….that isn’t asking too much is it?

Tranquility Pools

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Tranquility Pools

What is this I feel in my heart
What is this I feel in my soul

The thrashing of the oceans have stopped
The crushing of waves against the cliffs have ceased

All this I carried within every part of me
Developed by pain, anger, resentment

At times the tides were so high twisting and turning
The great waters pulled me under with such force

Like what I carried inside me , it barely let me breath
As soon as I thought I conquered one trial
Another wave of tribulations came crushing over me

Sucking me under as I fought to regain my step
And I fought to regain my step and I fought to regain my step

And then as I turned the side of the cliff
The foam of the water turn crystal blue like glass

So still, so peaceful, so tranquil was this lagoon
My thighs still trembled from fighting the waves

So I layed back and allowed the drift bring me safely to shore
As the water cascaded rubbed against me so soft like a human hand
The gentle rocking of the water so close to a lullaby

Is this my reward?
This stillness of my mind?
the peace in my heart?
this wondrous feeling?

I don’t want to feel the anguish of the stormy waters anymore
I am done being angry and resentful and bitter and sad

But only I can take myself to the beautiful place of serenity, peace and joy.
It is my decision and it is pushing myself through the pain.

But it is hard, and it takes time
and at times you want to just want to give in
but just know if you keep getting up

It is true paradise….

YOUR BRAIN CAN BE YOUR WORST ENEMY

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SOMETIMES OUR MINDS ARE OUR WORST ENEMIES

Through my divorce I have come to learn so much about myself, what makes me tick, who I am. I have come to the conclusion that I am not Miss Superwoman. I am a work in process. Divorce is like death and I knew it wouldnt be overnightexpect to be healed in a few months. Yes it is an amicable divorce and my ex and I have decided to remain friends, but it is still the death of a life I knew for 29 years and the death of a future I thought was going to unfold into a certain way. I am blindsided as to what the future holds now and I feel like I am standing at the beginning of 10 roads not knowing where any one of then leads to whereas before I knew where my future was leading.

I started to date, that didn’t work out. Maybe it was too soon. It just added to my pain when that didn’t work out. I hadn’t healed from the pain of one and then to add more pain…not good. Then the mind starts to wander, is it me? My own mind started to become my worst enemy. Ok I ended it but maybe he wanted me to end it. Silliness! What is wrong with me? Am I unloveable? Who will love me?

Oh yeah take it from me, your brain can turn on you. It can start telling you a lot of negative things, and mine did just that. It told me I wasn’t pretty enough, my body wasn’t good enough, and it did not let up! It told me morning, noon and night. I fell into a depression.

You see what I learned about depression is that it is caused by living in past disappointments. Ruminating in them if you will. You go over and over in them in your head. Well if only I had did this, if only I had said that. We think if we could go back we could fix things but in reality all we are doing is sinking deeper and deeper into depression because we are so absorbed so long in negative thoughts and those negative thoughts are about us…think about it, how good are we going to feel if we do that.

Somehow I had to learn to pull myself out of the past and bring myself into the present. As soon as my mind wandered back to some wah wah moment, I caught myself and told myself…ok yeah that was pretty sad but let’s come back to the present. And boy do I have to do that A LOT. There is a special meditation on that kind of thinking called mindfulness. All I know is that I have to stop living in the past moment of my past love that only brings me grief and sadness because I miss him and come back to reality. I will think, oh look at the pretty flowers on my desk and focus on that to bring me out of it. Depression is a boogar but we can pull ourself out of it, it is really hard but we can do it.

Don’t listen to what your brain is saying about yourself unless it is saying, “Damn you are one hot MAMA!!”

HOME ALONE!!!

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HOME ALONE!!!

By far the hardest challenge you will face with divorce will be the loneliness. I felt I lost my purpose, there was nobody to go home to after work, cook for, talk to, “Hey how was your day”. Nobody to sit and watch television with. But mostly there was nobody to lay down and go to bed with. That was one way of thinking. My sister called me and was telling me about not being able to go to the gym because she had the baby and dinner, and her eldest daughter that and laundry this and husband that and this and that…and so on and so on…..a small smile started growing on my face. As I was driving home that small smile or smirk, if you may, stayed on my face, and a knowing look crossed my eyes. My focus was extreme and deep.

I walked in my apartment and took off my shoes…threw them on the floor and let them fall where they may. I took off my clothes and did the same, let them hit the floor, and let them fall where ever they may, they landed right next to my purse and keys. I grabbed an ice cream bar and thought, eh this is enough dinner, grabbed a pillow and turned on the television to the channel I wanted and plopped on the sofa. Right there in my bra and underwear. I sat eating my ice cream and didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do because guess what…I didn’t have anything I had to do…AND IT FELT AWESOME!!!!

As I got sleepy later on that night I made it a point to make a flying leap into my bed and put my arms out like an eagle and landed right in the middle of my bed…MY BED!!! For a minute I had the wild urge to get up and jump on my bed, should I? I will have to look forward to another day. I snuggled with my soft pillows and comforter…Peace! No stress! Sorry sister!