Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

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We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.

Another Excuse to Cheat, The Grass Is Greener…

excuse cheat grass greener

This blog is in response to the comments I received about the interview I did with a 47-year old single male.  This was an interview about what do men really want from a woman.  It started out on the right track about inner qualities but wait till you hear what happened.

I asked what do men really want out of a woman. I was quite surprised at how much he opened up and how frank he was..  The qualities I asked about were personality traits and made it clear to forget about beauty because this is what men always talk about. I was more concerned on the inner qualities.

After saying the sense of humor, affectionate etc, the interview ended up being about why women need to keep themselves groomed and beautiful and toned.  If your weight is too high, she better lose it or her man’s eye is going to wander at women with tight clothes and bikinis.  My interviewee was adamant also that a woman needs to take care of her significant others sexual needs because this too will make him stray when she doesn’t.  I said, “You know this is going to create a backlash.”  I said it playfully, but I knew it would.

Here are some comments I received in my blog but mostly my Face Book.

Claire from,  lovetoreadlovetowrite703.net is a beautiful poet and writes about everything from dogs to avatars.  Fascinating poet.  But I loved what she commented, “Not too surprised. Men vary of course, but they do tend to be a lot more physically inclined than us.”

I  agree, so we ask, are all men going to be eye wanderers because they are always looking for that green green grass?

A reader, who I will call, Mary, she stated the following:  “I’ve always known men were that shallow…but to add to what he said, you can be that sexy eye candy to your man and fulfill all his sexual desires and be the ideal girl to him.  Yet, a man will always find any excuse to stray.  It’s sad but unfortunately it’s a risk you always have to be willing to take when it comes to being in a relationship. Men can just be shallow that way. Especially considering that no man will ever go out of their way to be what we want them to be or do what they know we like and would attract us.  Yet, us women bend over backwards at times just fit this mold of wants. We even go the extra mile to just to keep them happy and satisfied! It’s hard!”

I really like that comment.  Let’s look at Hale Berry and Sandra Bullock, there may have been other factors we don’t know about, but how do you keep up yourself more beautiful than that and still get betrayed?

A Mrs. Storm questioned, “Not all men are like that. I know my uncles & dad sure weren’t. Is the modern man like that?

Which ties in with Mr. Cole’s question, “I disagree with at least 3/4 of what he said. Period. Can you say around how old he is?”  After I told him 47 he continues, “I don’t think most men, at least older men are that shallow”.

A Ms. Jimenez writes, “Some men are just immature.”

Say it Ms. Jimenez!

Another inspiring author from the blog theaccidentalpoet.net, commented, “Admittedly, I have often found myself looking at “fit” women more. I know that’s rather shallow, but somehow I feel as though I was wired that way. What I look for MOST in a woman, however, is someone who has love and respect for others, who has a grasp on spirituality, and who is creative and spontaneous. …Now in my mid 50’s, I am more interested in what’s on the inside than what’s on the outside. I was really drawn to “the body” of the woman in my teens and twenties. I like to think I’ve evolved somewhat in my “prime” years.   This man knows his stuff, he has written forever but what is so inspiring is how his writing changed him.  Read his blog to better understand his story, intriguing!

The accidental poet gives me a better understanding of what a good man should evolve into. He mentioned feeling he was “wired” to look at beautiful or fit women but as he matured it changed.
I knew he could pull it down for us, as well as Mr. Cole.

This is what it breaks down to, and I think this is more for the men but more for the women.  There are men out there that are immature but that changes with age.  Some men never mature to the fact that, as we age, we change, it is harder to keep weight off.  As women are struggling to love their bodies, this is the message they feel.

Whip that body into better shape or he is gonna leave your ass!

So as women are we going to be with a man that makes you feel like Mary said, “bending over backwards?”  information like this is damaging to our self-esteem.  As it is women are always striving to look like that perfect 10 model, young girls are starving themselves.

Furthermore, no girl should ever feel she needs to perform like a porn star and having a rocking body better than Hale Barry because you know what, there are those immature men that are going to find another excuse to cheat.  As women when a man says anything opposite of a compliment about the body that is part of who you are, you don’t walk, RUN AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP!

What men fail to mention is the ones that never matured psychologically, must not have a mirror because they look like they could be sporting a 7-month old baby themselves.

This is one of my better topics because it even opened up my eyes and I hope it opened up yours, there is just no pleasing some men and learn to spot that man a mile away.

Till next time…Ciao!

Do You Really Want To Know What Men Want?

What Men Want

I have uncovered the straight-forward bare facts of what a man really really wants in a woman. This comes from and candid interview with a single male who isn’t telling all the flowery things we want to hear. He will show candidly and explicitly what not only keeps a man, but keeps a man from cheating.

After a break-up or a miss-hit with a guy, don’t you want to know what really went wrong. Guys can beat around the bush and play their games, but no more, let’s find out what is going on in that head of theirs.

I chose this particular person to do the interview with because this is not an actor who needs to keep face. It is not from an ex or current beau who will only tell me what I want to hear. I knew I could count on this person who shall remain anonymous to avoid backlash. You will see why in the interview. Let’s call him John Doe for his anonymity.

Catalina: Thank you so much for doing this for me. Although you know who I am, let me tell you anyways so you know my purpose of asking for your interview. I am Catalina Zamora, author of the blog, “Divorcee Got Wings.” The reason I wanted to interview you is to show a male point of view and I know you will tell me what I want to know. No judgement, in fact I think it will be fascinating.

John Doe: Ok I am ready.

Catalina: First of all can you tell me what 5 qualities you look for in a woman. Now I know men are visual so I am asking for qualities that have nothing to do with looks.

John Doe: Sense of humor, laughter, affectionate, up for anything and willing to give things a chance with an open mind, be able to adapt to any situation instead of always complaining.

Catalina: Now, now I said good qualities. Ha!, you are already telling me bad qualities and I didn’t get to that part. Ok next tell 5 qualities that are deal breakers for you. In other words, you would not want to date a woman with these 5 qualities you are going to come up with yourself.

John Doe: Too flirty, always wanting to be out partying like drinking. Being selfish. Being close-minded. Oh and not have any family values, for me family comes first.

Catalina: Now how will you respond to many women’s complaints that all the good men are taken?

John Doe: Because the men that are single today have gone through something in a relationship that has damaged them or they get bored. They are acting out and enjoying single life. They play single games because they have been hurt and don’t like commitment . At some point though, it either gets boring again and they start looking for that true go to girl to love.

Catalina: Now what do you think is the biggest reason a man is afraid of relationships?

John Doe: If a man does not really love a woman they will always look at other woman and wonder. A woman has to take care to their men. Be beautiful, classy well dressed, sexy and a freak to their man.

Catalina: How do you feel about the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?

John Doe: Some men are not happy and never fell in love with their woman. If a woman can be a freak to their man do things and be spontaneous they will never leave that I for men

Catalina: So are you saying men tie sex and love together.

John Doe: Kind of. In men’s eyes, good sex makes us fall in love. And all the other things that I said, sense of humor, affectionate, that keeps them around and happy.

Catalina: So if a woman is lacking in her sexual skills, he will not be able to truly love her?

John Doe: A woman has to keep man happy. Keep herself visually attractive also.

Catalina: Ok, so even though I said I wanted to concentrate on personality attributes and not appearance, you brought it up. Is appearance that important?

John Doe: Yes, send sexy pics or send texts about what they are going to do to them when they get home from work. I am just letting you in the mind of a man. You wanted straight up answers right?

Catalina: Of course. So if a woman gains like 30-40 pounds but dresses sexy and does everything to please her man, is that a woman men will stay with? Or will they start looking over the fence where it is greener?

John Doe: Yes he will be happy. At the same time though, if she is gaining too much weight, she should try to get back into shape because it will be better for the relationship.

Catalina: Wait, you are giving me conflicting information. Do you feel weight is an important issue?

John Doe: Yes, most men will be looking at other women in tight clothes and small bikinis.

Catalina: Wow, that sounds like that is quite some pressure to put on a woman. They have to keep in shape and keep up with your freaky self in bed. You realize this is probably going to get some backlash.

John Doe: Do you want me to tell you what guys think, and talk to each other about. You wanted to know, so I told you what guys talk about and what we feel.

Catalina: I said no judgement, and I meant it. Thank you John Doe for being so open. By the way, I will be contacting you again for “Men’s Point of View” sessions.

John Doe: Anytime.

After Interview Afterthought: I would like to hear from women out there on their reaction to what John Doe shared with us. Let me tell you one thing, I, was a little perturbed by the comment about the weight gain. At the same time, I really believe that the majority of men feel that way. This is not to say that a man is going to cheat, what I am saying that their eyes do start to wonder. I also have to add, I don’t think I would be led to cheat on my spouse if he gained 30-40 pounds. For me that would not be a reason to cheat.

So this interview went in a different direction than I had meant it to but I did find out some good stuff. Men want eye candy to have sex with and then he will fall in love and stay with her forever? In a nut shell that is what he said correct? Think about it ladies, if that was not the case there would not be so many nudie bars and strip clubs. When is the last time you seen a strip club on every corner for women? I have to say this interview, as scary as it sounds, there is a lot of truth to what he said.

I would be interested in hearing from some men also.

Thank you, until next time…Ciao!

Catalina

Divorcee Blogger

 

 

Signs You Are Getting Bitter! 

humor side of divorce

Now I am not going to say that I never get bitter, it is natural especially if you were the one that was left.  Watch yourself and if you start talking like this, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY GETTING BITTER!  Bitter alert, bitter alert!

Don’t sound like this:

  • “Did you see his new ho, she is hideous!” (Even if she looks like Jennifer Anniston, you are going to go over her with a fine tooth comb and find something wrong).
  • “Date? After my marriage I don’t want to see another man ever.” (Wait, I hear that Johnny Depp wants to go out with you, still swearing off men forever? Give it time and you will want to jump right back on the horse…literally).
  • “All the good men are taken or gay!”, (Guess what there are men that were jilted too. There are men that chose careers before, widows, unhappily married men…gee the choices).
  • “He is never going to find anyone like me!” (Can’t rule out, cloning can we?)
  • “One day he is going to regret leaving me and by then it will be too late!” (Spoiler alert, men don’t break up marriages for anything.  He made it final because for some reason the two of you were not mean to be.  That is all, accept it.)
  • “All men are alike!” (Whoah, whoah that is the ultimate “bitter woman” comment. Just like you are unique, so are men so do not sabotage your chances with limited thinking).

What other self-defeating things are you saying?  On a serious note, that kind of thinking can really hold you back from becoming a happily single woman that is the prime catch for those eligible men out there. Trust me they are out there. Just realize, would you like to go out with a negative nilly?  A man that is full of criticism or an optimistic person that see’s the lighter side of life.  You have to attain the same qualities you are looking for a man.  So when you start saying negative things, stop yourself and make yourself realize that is just your hurt and anger getting the best of you.  Only you can control your thoughts.

“Hate. It has caused a lot of problems in this world but has not solved one yet.”

– Maya Angelou

A Mother to My Soul Mates

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Have you ever thought you have searched in the wrong place for your Soul Mate or as my daughter said and my jaw dropped..Kindred Spirit?

It isn’t always someone who has to put his “you know what” in your “you know what” or lay down at night with or even someone to look deep into your eyes into on Valentines Days over a candlelight dinner.

As I spoke to my daughter last night I realized I had never had to play any games with my love for her with her nor my son. I could tell her my heart feels like it could burst from the love it has for her. There are no dumb rules I have to follow with my love for my kids, don’t show my love or they are going to run for the hills.  Be careful with the “L” word.  Oh my God, the more you tell your children that you love them, the sweeter your relationship feels, at least mine does.  

You know we have issues when the book industry on how to make a man love us is a multi-million dollar industry.  Yeah there are plenty books on how to show love to your kids or how to make your kids how to respect you but lets compare which section waaaay over powers the other.

I am told that your children can be your kindred spirits or soul mates, I feel it is confirmed with me. It makes so much sense from the intense burst of love I feel when I think of them or when they are approaching them or when I see them.

I quit my 2nd job because I need to be there on Friday night when they play softball and I am practically flying in the air as my girl caught TWO!!! TWOOOO!!! FLY BALLS!!!

Guess what I prayed to God… I thanked him for bringing my ex into my life so that he could give me these two wonderful souls.  This person that I could not even think about in the past without wanting to jump on a horse with a steel armor suit and a sword and charge him piercing straight in the…. well you get my drift.  Thank you God because his love is … was a gift that gave me my soul mates.

I wouldn’t be experiencing this wisdom if I were not single…

Having an epiphany…

THIS INDEPENDANT WOMAN JUST WANTS TO REST….

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MY WEARY BODY….

I am having a mini meltdown but I have to allow myself to have this. I have to let it out of my system so it doesn’t bottle up and then I need to dry my eyes, roll up my sleeves and get back to work.

But for now I have to admit my weariness. I have for the most part made it through the hardest part and that of course was the emotional pain of losing my life partner, regardless if it was never a dance in the park, it was still the death a relationship to someone I love and felt a very strong bond towards.  Fine.  You say what is the problem, why you whining you say?

I went out with my friends to the Renaissance Faire this weekend and I had a GREAT time that is the problem. We dressed like peasants from the medieval days and there was a point where we had just finished our Roast Beef sandwiches and we sat there on a bench and there was a cool breeze and I was sitting on a park bench drinking in the kaleidoscope of costumes, performers, personalities.  Maybe I was even taken back in time to a period when you didn’t need electronics, Face Book, phones, t.v. to be entertained.  Things were simpler and there was not a lot of rush, you had time to wait for bread to bake, people sat on their courts and talked.  People were sitting on the grass enjoying each other and others.  It was all about watching the people going by, what were they wearing and what they were doing. Yeah, it was about being nosy and not minding out own business.  We were into what was going on around us and everyone that was in it. The parade didn’t have to have lights or big floats, just people walking, chanting, beating on drums in costume to catch our full attention.  The queen in all her glory caught our complete awe.  This is what I experienced.  There was a long period where none of us spoke, we didn’t need to, there was this serene moment where I became part of the environment.

And then in a flash it was gone, the fair was going to close, it was time to go home, get ready for work the next day. I had to go to the dentist and be told that from stress I was slowly crushing the structure of my jaw.  It wasn’t tooth erosion.  I had broken a tooth root but no extraction because that is how you slowly lose your teeth.  I will deal with the pain, leave it in.  As long as no infection comes about, my dentist told me he would leave it in.

The grinding is from my stress of working two jobs thinking about …. No I take it back…NEEDING to be an independent woman who takes care of herself. My dentist wants to talk to my medical doctor to see what he can give me to bring down my stress.

So now I think of my wonderful weekend of leisure. Do I give up my job and my apartment and rent a room and lose much of my independence?  Live with somebody???    It will be their house, their rules?  Oh my it is starting to feel like I am living with my parents.

Rent is very expensive in California and moving is not an option because I have children, family and friends that make my world go round.  I cannot leave anyone behind.  I will have free time to have leisure and no one to spend it with.  I will truly go crazy.

So I guess I will continue my working 7 days a week because I need my apartment. And I will play hooky now and then to be able and breathe and release.  I do feel a little better.  Now I better get to work.  Hi Ho Hi Ho…

 

FINDING MYSELF!!!

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Anyone that has went through or going through a break up or divorce has to admit that there were some signs.  Most of us had those signs of unhappiness.  Can you claim, why did he leave you because you were so happy with him and now you are not.  I will give you that you may not be happy now but were you truly happy with him right before.  Think about it.  If you were the one left and you knew he was not happy, could you really be bouncing around the house feeling on top of the world being in a marriage knowing your mate is miserable with you?

My husband used that on me, he told me that I was not happy anyways.  Uh yeah of course not because I knew you didn’t really want me and how the hell am I supposed to be happy you dimwit!  Jeez.  But let’s not throw stones.  Let’s leave the part out.  No I was not happy for a long time.  He was not the man to make me happy.

For one big thing, I could not be “me” with him.  See I have a great inner child that he didn’t like too much.  He was always telling me to act like an adult.  Grow up, be mature, stop playing around so much, close the door, do the dishes, brush my hair, am I going to wear that?,

Or there would be the questions, who left the door open, who left the t.v. on?  Who was the last one in the bathroom and forgot to turn off the light?  This was all day long.  He followed me and watched and looked for things I would do wrong.  Decorating the house for Christmas or Halloween would be a big lecture, we were just making a big mess.  Everything was a put-down or criticism to me and the kids.  We would ask to play a board game with us, yeah right, that is dumb.  The kids wanted to have a sleep over in the station wagon and pretend we were homeless so we did, omg what is wrong with you are you crazy, get the kids in the house, what will the neighbors say.

It became a going thing, “Oh shit, dads home!” friends would leave, everyone looked around the house to see what was out-of-order.  Wow I am thinking now.  Life really sucked!  But anyways…

I wasn’t free to be me.  He didn’t like me.  Catalina was a mess.  She joked too much, life was a game to her, board games juvenile, silliness all silliness, I loved dancing, he loved drinking,, I loved a house full of laughing playing kids, he wanted silence….everything I did got on his nerves.

Oh I tried to be who he wanted.  I would clean the house spotless and he would blow it because I forgot the trash.

So no, I was not happy but I did not know the extent of my unhappiness.  I did not know that this stifling and condemning me the person, the tearing at me personally was ripping at the core of who I was and what I felt about myself.  I started to let myself go and I gained a lot of weight.  I slept if I was not working.  My inner child became locked up inside more and more to the point where she never came out and all sense of play in me died.  I became very depressed.

I gave up asking for his time and let him go do his thing and just stayed in bed.

I was watching the cute Disney movie “Frozen” this weekend when the young queen escapes the confines of her castle and runs into the mountains to her freedom away from what is expected of her and she is finally able to use her so-called “curse” which makes everything into ice, freely and feels invigorated and empowered for the first time in her life.  She blasts a sexy ice dress on herself and flings this sexy flowing hair and builds this castle just throwing out her arms freely releasing who she really is, the ice queen as she belts out the song, “Let it Go!”

As I watched it I sat up and had this big smile on my face.  OMG I am my person now.  Nobody tells me what to do or how to do it or tears me down, nobody tries to make me who I am anymore.  He never liked who I was, eccentric, quirky, but that is who I am and I am free to be who I am now.  If somebody doesn’t like how I am, too bad, I don’t change my essence for nobody!!!  I like me today, I LOVE ME TODAY!!!  I am letting go the need to be who anyone wants me to be, especially that man who used to be my husband!!

My eyes are open now.  He did me a favor leaving me because how was I ever supposed to work on me when I was never allowed to be me.  Every woman should see the animated movie, “Frozen”, what a cute inspiring movie.  I leave you with the song….