Free Me From My Pain
Yes I did and I mean it. You know that sweet heart of yours that somebody just stomped on and kicked around and it just hurts so bad because of what you went through? I am going to show you that you can turn that pain into a positive thing…YES YOU HEARD RIGHT, I SAID TURN YOUR HURT TO A POSITIVE HURT!
Let me let you in on something. I am writing this for your, and for me. Yup, I was just used in the worst way by somebody that was supposedly my best friend for over three years and I said ok I will date him and bam. Him knowing I have rejection and trust issues because of how badly I was abused by my husband for 25 years, what happens, I find out that he was just using me for money and sex. Obviously I was not even a friend because do you hurt somebody like that when they are your best friend for so many years?
So ask me how I feel right now. Why thank you for caring, I feel like there is something wrong with me and I am unloveable. My husband told me our whole marriage that I was going to end up alone, and now he is dating someone he really likes who is young and pretty and I made peace with it, but darn.
So are you with me? Are we going to analyze this thing we are going through and turn it into a positive? Say yes, say yes…
Ok if you are on this paragraph you must of said yes. Cool. This is my belief, not belief it is a proven fact. When we go through hardships and pain and trauma we can do one of two things.
1. Resonate with that pain and allow ourselves to become a more compassionate loving person because we don’t want to hurt people. We know what it feels like to hurt. We become wiser from learning all this.
2. Or we can become bitter, anti-men, thinking all men are the same. Maybe become depressed and see life in a negative way from here on in.
Which one sounds better?
So where is the lesson in all this. Let’s use me for instance.
I knew this guy was a flake. Am I going to learn from my mistake or am I going to repeat it and go after more flakes. Maybe I should screen better and be more selective. With all this we definitely get wiser. This is my theory. My husband was not good to me, he abused me, verbally and physically and I was the one who begged him not to leave me. Who does that? someone that obviously doesn’t love themselves.
So maybe after him I should have taken time off men and worked me and learning to love Catalina. Nope, I ended up with some other guy that didn’t want commitment and how did I feel about myself when this guy thinks I am good enough to be a girlfriend but no no we are not talking about futures. He ended up leaving me.
So now did I learn that I needed to take a break and work on me, hell no, I ended up with this last guy. I figured God said. You know this girl is not learning her lesson so let me get someone that really really hurts her. This one is going to be a doozy and maybe then she will realize if she doesn’t work on her self worth, she is going to continue to accept men that treat her like shit.
So my assignment now is I have vented, I have cried, boy have I cried. Then I will start with my affirmations that I am going to start doing every day. I am reading Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. Because I need to do some heavy forgiveness work, not for him, for me. Then I need to start this journey of healing and working on my self-worth.
This chick is going to have some real high standards when she looks for her next man in say, 5 years.
So in a nutshell:
a. What went wrong in my relationship. Was it maybe a blessing in disguise?
b. What could I learn from it?
c. I promise to be more loving and compassionate.
d. I allowed myself to grieve.
e. I vented and vomited all my feelings out.
f. I will do forgiveness work (I have a chapter on it)
g. I will practice self affirmations about loving myself.
h. I think I will treat myself to something nice today! An ice cream.