Now I am not going to say that I never get bitter, it is natural especially if you were the one that was left. Watch yourself and if you start talking like this, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY GETTING BITTER! Bitter alert, bitter alert!
Don’t sound like this:
- “Did you see his new ho, she is hideous!” (Even if she looks like Jennifer Anniston, you are going to go over her with a fine tooth comb and find something wrong).
- “Date? After my marriage I don’t want to see another man ever.” (Wait, I hear that Johnny Depp wants to go out with you, still swearing off men forever? Give it time and you will want to jump right back on the horse…literally).
- “All the good men are taken or gay!”, (Guess what there are men that were jilted too. There are men that chose careers before, widows, unhappily married men…gee the choices).
- “He is never going to find anyone like me!” (Can’t rule out, cloning can we?)
- “One day he is going to regret leaving me and by then it will be too late!” (Spoiler alert, men don’t break up marriages for anything. He made it final because for some reason the two of you were not mean to be. That is all, accept it.)
- “All men are alike!” (Whoah, whoah that is the ultimate “bitter woman” comment. Just like you are unique, so are men so do not sabotage your chances with limited thinking).
What other self-defeating things are you saying? On a serious note, that kind of thinking can really hold you back from becoming a happily single woman that is the prime catch for those eligible men out there. Trust me they are out there. Just realize, would you like to go out with a negative nilly? A man that is full of criticism or an optimistic person that see’s the lighter side of life. You have to attain the same qualities you are looking for a man. So when you start saying negative things, stop yourself and make yourself realize that is just your hurt and anger getting the best of you. Only you can control your thoughts.
“Hate. It has caused a lot of problems in this world but has not solved one yet.”
– Maya Angelou
My blogs have stopped because I felt I was unworthy of giving empowering words. Things were easy when I thought he was missing me and oh well I have a boyfriend who shows me attention. Life is great, I’m great and this divorce thing is a piece of cake…
Then I kept getting dumped and the horror…I couldn’t find a stable guy, they had no jobs, were criminals, or just plain losers…and I’m amazing aren’t I? Yet he was horrible and he had the girls tearing down his door.
I was alone, back at mom’s…and he settled down with someone. I found her kicking back at the home we were supposed to raise our grandchildren in. She was pretty, was nice, had a career…AND WAS 15 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!
This is what we call needing to accept reality. As I had in the past, I am trying for the millionth time, to pick myself up and start all over again from scratch.
Situation: I felt humiliated, rejected, depressed because my husband dumped me and got a new young, woman.
Get control of yourself! This is only going to happen if I accept he moved on.
Start the process over:
• Grieve: I know I did a lot of this. I am the “wah-wah” woman. I got this part down.
• Realize: This is reality, I had to grasp that I was no longer his wife and he is his own person. People move on and isn’t that what I want for myself so why was I chastising him as a horrible human being. I know it is hard, but what if a man is placed in front of me and they say “Love him and spend the rest of your life with him.” But I couldn’t.
We can’t force ourselves to feel for somebody. Should he have to stay in a relationship where he just can’t love me? Is that not selfish of me? The reality is, it’s not his fault if he doesn’t have feelings for me.
• Have Patience: This hurt will not last forever. I must trust the process of life, happiness, sadness, tragedy and finally peace. But the process has needs active participation from me.
• Forgive: I have to learn to forgive him and yup, that woman he is porking too. Yuck, it was hard, it is so very hard.
• Accept: Acceptance is necessary, and at some point, I need not fight the past. It means seeing things clearly.
Remember I am forgiving for myself, not for him. I never have to say the words to him. I am doing it as a healing practice so I can live and be happy again.
I need to always remember that I am in control of my happiness and it is none of my business anymore what he is doing, we are no longer together.
“One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, is to forgive.”
let the past go…
this is a journey I was meant to have….
Throw the Past Away
“I made the decision to move to a smaller place…much smaller”, let me repeat the most important part, “I made the decision…” I am no longer a child. Mother no longer tells me when to go to bed, what to eat, or where to live. My daughter moved out of our two bedroom apartment and I found myself paying a lot of money for an apartment that I found myself just sleeping in. It felt like I was throwing money in the wind.
So why is it that packing is such torment to me. I start and watch television or pick up my Face Book or do something unnecessary. I actually sat there and read an article on how to pack. Come on Catalina, just stop thinking and do it! Nobody can help me because nobody knows what I want to keep, give away or toss, the part of sorting belongs to me. When it comes to moving will be when I need the help.
Guess what. I found out something about myself. I have accumulated a lot of nothing, of knick-knacks that were useful for one time. Pink beads that I was going to blind a sweater with, I don’t even own a pink sweater. Lots and lots and lots of Valentine day ribbon, Ok I have ribbons for the next 20 Valentine days. Gee I have been single for 2 ½ years so far, this may last me a long time.
Could this move have been a unconscious plan that was necessary, because I was starting to live in clutter. I am a shopaholic and will buy the silliest things. I spent $100 on Halloween decorations for my desk and now have 3 huge bins and need to find a place to store them and I have to downsize and supposed to be saving money. What is wrong with me.
This move is a higher calling. I am torn, I am emotional but this is necessary for me. During this process I will be looking at my belongings and realize item by item…is this necessary in your life or is this something from your past that you need to let go because it has lost its purpose. Let the past go. Earrings that someone gave me that have no match that I can not wear ever but I hold on because why. Why am I holding on to it. I don’t know. A bottle of champagne from my anniversary 8 years ago that my husband and I went to the Madonna in and my husband slept the time and neither of us drink. We are no longer together. Why am I holding on to this. Do I hold on to pictures of he and I together:? I don’t know. I don’t know how to do any of this. Am I a hoarder? I know you can walk through my house and it isn’t a path you need a compass with and you don’t need giant bins to clear it out and there isn’t feces everywhere.
But this hurts to let go part of me as trivial as it sounds, what does this mean, I don’t know. It means that this is a journey I was meant to have. Out with the old. Let go of it. The past is the past and that one earring means nothing and that bottle of champagne does nothing but remind me of what a horrible anniversary I had. It is time to throw out all those bad memories and start afresh. Is that why I am finding dimes Oh Lord? I am on the right path aren’t I? Ok I will stop fighting this move and see this as a positive thing. Today will be a productive day and tossing doesn’t mean tossing my soul, it is making room for much more experiences… Tah Dah… Marvelous how we can turn things around in our head just like that if we try!!! Have a blessed day!!
MY WEARY BODY….
I am having a mini meltdown but I have to allow myself to have this. I have to let it out of my system so it doesn’t bottle up and then I need to dry my eyes, roll up my sleeves and get back to work.
But for now I have to admit my weariness. I have for the most part made it through the hardest part and that of course was the emotional pain of losing my life partner, regardless if it was never a dance in the park, it was still the death a relationship to someone I love and felt a very strong bond towards. Fine. You say what is the problem, why you whining you say?
I went out with my friends to the Renaissance Faire this weekend and I had a GREAT time that is the problem. We dressed like peasants from the medieval days and there was a point where we had just finished our Roast Beef sandwiches and we sat there on a bench and there was a cool breeze and I was sitting on a park bench drinking in the kaleidoscope of costumes, performers, personalities. Maybe I was even taken back in time to a period when you didn’t need electronics, Face Book, phones, t.v. to be entertained. Things were simpler and there was not a lot of rush, you had time to wait for bread to bake, people sat on their courts and talked. People were sitting on the grass enjoying each other and others. It was all about watching the people going by, what were they wearing and what they were doing. Yeah, it was about being nosy and not minding out own business. We were into what was going on around us and everyone that was in it. The parade didn’t have to have lights or big floats, just people walking, chanting, beating on drums in costume to catch our full attention. The queen in all her glory caught our complete awe. This is what I experienced. There was a long period where none of us spoke, we didn’t need to, there was this serene moment where I became part of the environment.
And then in a flash it was gone, the fair was going to close, it was time to go home, get ready for work the next day. I had to go to the dentist and be told that from stress I was slowly crushing the structure of my jaw. It wasn’t tooth erosion. I had broken a tooth root but no extraction because that is how you slowly lose your teeth. I will deal with the pain, leave it in. As long as no infection comes about, my dentist told me he would leave it in.
The grinding is from my stress of working two jobs thinking about …. No I take it back…NEEDING to be an independent woman who takes care of herself. My dentist wants to talk to my medical doctor to see what he can give me to bring down my stress.
So now I think of my wonderful weekend of leisure. Do I give up my job and my apartment and rent a room and lose much of my independence? Live with somebody??? It will be their house, their rules? Oh my it is starting to feel like I am living with my parents.
Rent is very expensive in California and moving is not an option because I have children, family and friends that make my world go round. I cannot leave anyone behind. I will have free time to have leisure and no one to spend it with. I will truly go crazy.
So I guess I will continue my working 7 days a week because I need my apartment. And I will play hooky now and then to be able and breathe and release. I do feel a little better. Now I better get to work. Hi Ho Hi Ho…
Anyone that has went through or going through a break up or divorce has to admit that there were some signs. Most of us had those signs of unhappiness. Can you claim, why did he leave you because you were so happy with him and now you are not. I will give you that you may not be happy now but were you truly happy with him right before. Think about it. If you were the one left and you knew he was not happy, could you really be bouncing around the house feeling on top of the world being in a marriage knowing your mate is miserable with you?
My husband used that on me, he told me that I was not happy anyways. Uh yeah of course not because I knew you didn’t really want me and how the hell am I supposed to be happy you dimwit! Jeez. But let’s not throw stones. Let’s leave the part out. No I was not happy for a long time. He was not the man to make me happy.
For one big thing, I could not be “me” with him. See I have a great inner child that he didn’t like too much. He was always telling me to act like an adult. Grow up, be mature, stop playing around so much, close the door, do the dishes, brush my hair, am I going to wear that?,
Or there would be the questions, who left the door open, who left the t.v. on? Who was the last one in the bathroom and forgot to turn off the light? This was all day long. He followed me and watched and looked for things I would do wrong. Decorating the house for Christmas or Halloween would be a big lecture, we were just making a big mess. Everything was a put-down or criticism to me and the kids. We would ask to play a board game with us, yeah right, that is dumb. The kids wanted to have a sleep over in the station wagon and pretend we were homeless so we did, omg what is wrong with you are you crazy, get the kids in the house, what will the neighbors say.
It became a going thing, “Oh shit, dads home!” friends would leave, everyone looked around the house to see what was out-of-order. Wow I am thinking now. Life really sucked! But anyways…
I wasn’t free to be me. He didn’t like me. Catalina was a mess. She joked too much, life was a game to her, board games juvenile, silliness all silliness, I loved dancing, he loved drinking,, I loved a house full of laughing playing kids, he wanted silence….everything I did got on his nerves.
Oh I tried to be who he wanted. I would clean the house spotless and he would blow it because I forgot the trash.
So no, I was not happy but I did not know the extent of my unhappiness. I did not know that this stifling and condemning me the person, the tearing at me personally was ripping at the core of who I was and what I felt about myself. I started to let myself go and I gained a lot of weight. I slept if I was not working. My inner child became locked up inside more and more to the point where she never came out and all sense of play in me died. I became very depressed.
I gave up asking for his time and let him go do his thing and just stayed in bed.
I was watching the cute Disney movie “Frozen” this weekend when the young queen escapes the confines of her castle and runs into the mountains to her freedom away from what is expected of her and she is finally able to use her so-called “curse” which makes everything into ice, freely and feels invigorated and empowered for the first time in her life. She blasts a sexy ice dress on herself and flings this sexy flowing hair and builds this castle just throwing out her arms freely releasing who she really is, the ice queen as she belts out the song, “Let it Go!”
As I watched it I sat up and had this big smile on my face. OMG I am my person now. Nobody tells me what to do or how to do it or tears me down, nobody tries to make me who I am anymore. He never liked who I was, eccentric, quirky, but that is who I am and I am free to be who I am now. If somebody doesn’t like how I am, too bad, I don’t change my essence for nobody!!! I like me today, I LOVE ME TODAY!!! I am letting go the need to be who anyone wants me to be, especially that man who used to be my husband!!
My eyes are open now. He did me a favor leaving me because how was I ever supposed to work on me when I was never allowed to be me. Every woman should see the animated movie, “Frozen”, what a cute inspiring movie. I leave you with the song….