Are Your Tears Creating Your Reality?

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We heard it time again, we create our reality. Sounds simple, then why do we continue to ruminate on misery?

Do we love it, is it comfort, do we even know how to be positive?

Today is a new day. As thoughts of self pity came into my head I actually said aloud,”Stop it”, and forced myself back to the present.  Seconds later again. It was a battle in my head. It went back and forth, my brain was a yo-yo.

Guess what, I was not 100% successful but I was 90% more positive because I didn’t ruminate in the negative. I was successful in the fact that I didn’t allow thedoomy gloomy thoughts take over like they usually do.

If I can do it so can you. As soon as negative, self defeating thoughts peek in I say, “Stop” and bring myself to the now. I become aware of my surroundings. I wasn’t depressed today, although my mind keeps trying to take me there.

Guess what brain, I OWN YOU AND I WILL MASTER CONTROLLING YOU..and so can you. I challenge everyone to try.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED

What to do when you been betrayed

When your love betrays you, there is going to be a lot of sadness, anger, maybe even revenge seeking. Yes it is really hard, but sometimes there is nothing else to do or think about, it is time to move on.

Betrayal is some hard stuff to deal with. Are you making it harder on you instead of being proactive about getting over this horrible thing that happened?

What do we mean when I say betrayed:

  • Cheated on.  Make things worse it someone you knew like a friend or even relative.
  • Manipulated out of money, scammed for lack of a better word.
  • Stole from you.  Like a family heirloom

In other words he hurt you deeply.  So now what?

First of all, how long are you going to agonize over it? Oh and forget it if there was complete denial on their part. Do you find yourself gathering all your “evidence” to prove that he did do whatever he did, and try to put it together like you’re an attorney going to court. Stop the self-torture. If a man cannot assume responsibility for his actions you are spinning circles and that is just hurting you. This kind of man will lie that he is cheating even if you bust him while he is plowing her, if you know what I mean. Then top it off with yelling at you to shut the door, you are always trying to start a fight!

That is the kind of man I have attracted and boy nothing is more frustrating and then there is no closure. You would like an apology, an explanation redemption. But guess what, life isn’t fair and you may end up with this instead:

  1. Denial. Never happened, they don’t know what you are talking about.
  2. Never even takes responsibility for his own actions.
  3. What about the man who shows no remorse?
  4. Shift blamers. They feel justified and it is all on you.
  5. Make you out as a crazy nag that just wants to argue and you better stop or he will show you and leave you. Oh yeah, he is that wonderful.
  6. Or, my favorite, he disappears, maybe forever. Poof! Yeah I had one of those too.

So where is the closure if you are dealing with this kind of situations. You have to create it.

Forget, as they will say, confronting them with nagging because they have to admit their wrong doings. Maybe they are denying something they did and you are livid, how can he deny when you have the facts, and you need them to admit to it. You have questions damn it! When it is true, only reason you would need to ask him anything else is if you were not sure and needed confirmation from his mouth. You just have this feeling that some of your anger will go away if you can just prove to him that he can’t deny things anymore. You have your answer, that needs to be your closure.

You already spent too much time on a loser like that so it is time to move on and feel blessed you found out about what kind of person is and didn’t stay with him another year or decade. Move on girl! Do not allow it to consume you to the point where other areas of your life will be affected by you in this state. Your happiness, your other relations, family, friends, work, and let’s not forget we always need to play. In fact I would probably call this the most important time to remember to play and do fun things with others in your life.

Don’t allow yourself to get lost and ruminate in the problem trying to find a solution that you may never find. It is time to deal with the pain so you can let it go, yeah let it go. You don’t need to hold on to that pain so he knows your suffering either. The only one that this hurts is you, they care less.

 

I remind myself that I trust life will deal with “him”. If you are used, cheated on with no regard for your feelings, you may feel like you have to do something because they are not going to get away with what they did to you. Know that people who hurt people like that will see that they just keep having bad luck. This guy once betrayed the friendship part of our relationship. That really hurt me and it went through me because not only did he have no remorse, he shifted the blame trying to make me out as a nag, always wanting to argue. Now that I think about it, he always wonders why he just can’t get a break. Something good is happening and boom, it goes away, jobs are lost, cars are lost. That is the process I like to think of as Karma.

You are not in charge here when it comes to someone else’s behavior. You focus is on you and continue to be the best person in life. Take this as a lesson in learning to be more compassionate about people’s feelings because of this experience and what betrayal hurt feels like.

Most importantly, it is time to create your own happiness and give up that victim mentality. You can’t sit around and wait to heal either. It doesn’t come to us, we have to go out and pursue happiness and peace and serenity.

Happiness-is-always-a-choice.-You-can’t-wait-for-circumstances-to-get-better.-You-have-to-create-your-own-good-fortune.-So-look-for-ways-to-be-happy-every-day.

Are You Allowing Your Pain and Anger to Harm You and Your Family?

Are you having a booger of a time dealing with this divorce?  Does your life seem to be falling apart and you feel like you are dying of a broken heart or maybe you feel so angry you could bite through a bullet.    .

Time to Woman Up With this Divorce

I know, I know, the last thing you want to do is pretend your are strong if you feel sad and weak and you just can’t stand that cliché’, “fake it till you make it!”

The truth is that behaving negatively is bad for your health, your mental health and especially if you have children.  It affects your job, and even future relationships.  Don’t you want to deal with your emotions so you could figure all this is for the best so you can start living a healthy life leading to happiness.

Deal With Your Divorce Stress With Dignity And Strength

You can become your worst enemy because if you are behaving negatively, How will you ever come out of this a stronger woman.

Control your negative emotions from yourself and your children.

When I say control, I don’t mean mask it or pretend it isn’t there.  You must allow yourself to go through the pain and feel every bit of it.  You must process it to come out of the other end.

Going through a divorce, or even separations and break-ups can be devastating. It is a like mourning the death of your husband, only he is alive and shacking up with another woman.  Yeah that sure does hurt.

If you are angry and full of resentment, you have to identify the pain that is fueling that anger and work on that.  You heard of the stages of grief.  They are now saying that they don’t come in any particular order.  You may feel anger first until you realize the truth and then get depressed.  What matters is looking for articles, advice on healing.

What Are Issues That Could Flare Up Negative and Destructive Emotions

  • Spouses own temper tantrums he brings to you.  You have to realize this is not about fighting fire with fire.  If he is fire, you need to be water and not gasoline.
  • Research mind, body and soul healing.  What this means is that you have to take care of yourself now.  Eat the right foods, don’t drink too much, exercise. Whatever is your belief source, now is probably the best time to get in touch with your faith.
  • Take good care of your job.  We all have had those times when we are going through something and work is so hard because your mind wanders.  But your job is your source of income and you want to remember you may be the sole breadwinner now.
  • Take good care of your kids.  This is very tough on them and it is imperative that you are not a jealous, information seeking, pitiful look at how sad I am a type of mom.  They are your priority so you need to woman-up around your children.
  • The last is realize that just because Karen Gail Grubb from across the street dealt with her divorce great.  As a matter of fact they are friends and they both get their new spouses and they all go to Olive Garden for “All You Can Eat spaghetti” on Tuesday.  So what!  Do not compare yourself to anyone because everyone heals different.  There is no time watch on grief. But at the same time you don’t want to live in our wallow either.

Well that is it for now.  If you can think of anything more, please send me a comment.

Happy Healing

Why Dating Right After A Break-Up Is All Bad!

Divorce is easy…so I thought!

Barely even hurt..so I thought!

I thought I was the divorce guru.  My hubby of almost 30 YEARS dumped me.  Know what happened to me? I grabbed me a new boyfriend in Vegas and life was all about finding cute clothes and keeping in shape because every three weeks I was taking off to Vegas to see shows and play with my new man.

That will show that ex, huh? Especially if you too were dumped for another woman. How cool would it be for him to find out you too have moved on and got you a new man. Sounds like a plan, right? That’s how I was thinking. IN YOUR FACE! HA!

It wasn’t six months, the guy dumped me for some blonde bimbo. Dumped again. Not a problem, in between crying spells I signed up for online dating and omg, found the most amazing guy the next day. This was too easy. I left the guy a good riddance message because I was dating a homicide detective.

Two weeks later it was over. My depression grew worse and I only knew this guy a month. What was going on.

DATING RIGHT AFTER A BREAK-UP!

Why you ask.

  • I had to

I didn’t realize that my jumping into a relationship was like putting a cheap band-aid over my broken heart. I did not heal, I did not work on  Don’lhis boyfriend was just a band-aid to cover up what I didn’t want to feel for my husband anymore because he shut me out years ago.

Now I know why they tell you to wait before you start dating. You have to go through the pain and resolve it before you can fully give yourself to anyone else. You need to find your true self and reflect on what went wrong in your marriage. Mourn the death of your marriage.  That is one pain you cannot run from.
Not to mention I didn’t know how to be alone.  This time it is different, I mourned the death of my marriage and am enjoying this time to get to know me.

If there are any newly single people out there after a divorce, separation, I challenge you to stay single for 6 months at least.

I know there are some hot mama’s out there that are thinking no way, YES WAY! What have you got to lose. Maybe you will learn something about yourself.

The key though is not to see this as a punishment but a period to heal lovingly. A time to learn to sit with yourself.



 

What this is about is learning to be o.k. and at peace with yourself.  It is hard at first but you will get to the point where you will look forward to spending time with yourself.  We are amazing people, just so many of us have never peeled the layers to really get to know our true self.
Namaste

THIS INDEPENDANT WOMAN JUST WANTS TO REST….

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MY WEARY BODY….

I am having a mini meltdown but I have to allow myself to have this. I have to let it out of my system so it doesn’t bottle up and then I need to dry my eyes, roll up my sleeves and get back to work.

But for now I have to admit my weariness. I have for the most part made it through the hardest part and that of course was the emotional pain of losing my life partner, regardless if it was never a dance in the park, it was still the death a relationship to someone I love and felt a very strong bond towards.  Fine.  You say what is the problem, why you whining you say?

I went out with my friends to the Renaissance Faire this weekend and I had a GREAT time that is the problem. We dressed like peasants from the medieval days and there was a point where we had just finished our Roast Beef sandwiches and we sat there on a bench and there was a cool breeze and I was sitting on a park bench drinking in the kaleidoscope of costumes, performers, personalities.  Maybe I was even taken back in time to a period when you didn’t need electronics, Face Book, phones, t.v. to be entertained.  Things were simpler and there was not a lot of rush, you had time to wait for bread to bake, people sat on their courts and talked.  People were sitting on the grass enjoying each other and others.  It was all about watching the people going by, what were they wearing and what they were doing. Yeah, it was about being nosy and not minding out own business.  We were into what was going on around us and everyone that was in it. The parade didn’t have to have lights or big floats, just people walking, chanting, beating on drums in costume to catch our full attention.  The queen in all her glory caught our complete awe.  This is what I experienced.  There was a long period where none of us spoke, we didn’t need to, there was this serene moment where I became part of the environment.

And then in a flash it was gone, the fair was going to close, it was time to go home, get ready for work the next day. I had to go to the dentist and be told that from stress I was slowly crushing the structure of my jaw.  It wasn’t tooth erosion.  I had broken a tooth root but no extraction because that is how you slowly lose your teeth.  I will deal with the pain, leave it in.  As long as no infection comes about, my dentist told me he would leave it in.

The grinding is from my stress of working two jobs thinking about …. No I take it back…NEEDING to be an independent woman who takes care of herself. My dentist wants to talk to my medical doctor to see what he can give me to bring down my stress.

So now I think of my wonderful weekend of leisure. Do I give up my job and my apartment and rent a room and lose much of my independence?  Live with somebody???    It will be their house, their rules?  Oh my it is starting to feel like I am living with my parents.

Rent is very expensive in California and moving is not an option because I have children, family and friends that make my world go round.  I cannot leave anyone behind.  I will have free time to have leisure and no one to spend it with.  I will truly go crazy.

So I guess I will continue my working 7 days a week because I need my apartment. And I will play hooky now and then to be able and breathe and release.  I do feel a little better.  Now I better get to work.  Hi Ho Hi Ho…

 

FINDING MYSELF!!!

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Anyone that has went through or going through a break up or divorce has to admit that there were some signs.  Most of us had those signs of unhappiness.  Can you claim, why did he leave you because you were so happy with him and now you are not.  I will give you that you may not be happy now but were you truly happy with him right before.  Think about it.  If you were the one left and you knew he was not happy, could you really be bouncing around the house feeling on top of the world being in a marriage knowing your mate is miserable with you?

My husband used that on me, he told me that I was not happy anyways.  Uh yeah of course not because I knew you didn’t really want me and how the hell am I supposed to be happy you dimwit!  Jeez.  But let’s not throw stones.  Let’s leave the part out.  No I was not happy for a long time.  He was not the man to make me happy.

For one big thing, I could not be “me” with him.  See I have a great inner child that he didn’t like too much.  He was always telling me to act like an adult.  Grow up, be mature, stop playing around so much, close the door, do the dishes, brush my hair, am I going to wear that?,

Or there would be the questions, who left the door open, who left the t.v. on?  Who was the last one in the bathroom and forgot to turn off the light?  This was all day long.  He followed me and watched and looked for things I would do wrong.  Decorating the house for Christmas or Halloween would be a big lecture, we were just making a big mess.  Everything was a put-down or criticism to me and the kids.  We would ask to play a board game with us, yeah right, that is dumb.  The kids wanted to have a sleep over in the station wagon and pretend we were homeless so we did, omg what is wrong with you are you crazy, get the kids in the house, what will the neighbors say.

It became a going thing, “Oh shit, dads home!” friends would leave, everyone looked around the house to see what was out-of-order.  Wow I am thinking now.  Life really sucked!  But anyways…

I wasn’t free to be me.  He didn’t like me.  Catalina was a mess.  She joked too much, life was a game to her, board games juvenile, silliness all silliness, I loved dancing, he loved drinking,, I loved a house full of laughing playing kids, he wanted silence….everything I did got on his nerves.

Oh I tried to be who he wanted.  I would clean the house spotless and he would blow it because I forgot the trash.

So no, I was not happy but I did not know the extent of my unhappiness.  I did not know that this stifling and condemning me the person, the tearing at me personally was ripping at the core of who I was and what I felt about myself.  I started to let myself go and I gained a lot of weight.  I slept if I was not working.  My inner child became locked up inside more and more to the point where she never came out and all sense of play in me died.  I became very depressed.

I gave up asking for his time and let him go do his thing and just stayed in bed.

I was watching the cute Disney movie “Frozen” this weekend when the young queen escapes the confines of her castle and runs into the mountains to her freedom away from what is expected of her and she is finally able to use her so-called “curse” which makes everything into ice, freely and feels invigorated and empowered for the first time in her life.  She blasts a sexy ice dress on herself and flings this sexy flowing hair and builds this castle just throwing out her arms freely releasing who she really is, the ice queen as she belts out the song, “Let it Go!”

As I watched it I sat up and had this big smile on my face.  OMG I am my person now.  Nobody tells me what to do or how to do it or tears me down, nobody tries to make me who I am anymore.  He never liked who I was, eccentric, quirky, but that is who I am and I am free to be who I am now.  If somebody doesn’t like how I am, too bad, I don’t change my essence for nobody!!!  I like me today, I LOVE ME TODAY!!!  I am letting go the need to be who anyone wants me to be, especially that man who used to be my husband!!

My eyes are open now.  He did me a favor leaving me because how was I ever supposed to work on me when I was never allowed to be me.  Every woman should see the animated movie, “Frozen”, what a cute inspiring movie.  I leave you with the song….

 

PEACE OF MIND…PEACE IN YOUR HEART

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I can be on the treadmill and close my eyes and reach a point of stillness, of silence and drown out the clinging of the weights, the booming of the music.  A place of peace and serenity. A place I never have been before.

A year and a half ago I was forced out of the house I was living with my husband because my mother-in-law owned the house.  A couple months before my husband had already asked me for a divorce and I was sleeping on the couch.  I knew the marriage was over, I think, I wasn’t sure.  I mean we have said it a million times before and it never happened so I think in the back of my head it might have been a hollow threat with it being real vocally.  “Sure you want a divorce, fine I will give you one!”

But in the back of my head I kinda thought maybe we would get back together when his mother would die.  She was dying of terminal Cancer and she and my daughters fighting was one of the reasons we were fighting..  Guess what he offered.  He told me he had an extra room because after my daughter moved out he didn’t want me to live on the street I was on alone.

Ok let’s think about that.  That sounds like roommate talk no?  Then I find out he has a girlfriend.  Ok this is becoming more real.  Now I find out he doesn’t want me back anymore.

Now let’s get this straight, I would never ever go back to him.  I know he will never ever make me happy.  This is not the issue.  I am a sick puppy here because listen to what the issue is.

I wanted him to be in that big house all by himself, so depressed and cursing the day he ever let me go.  I wanted him to ask me to come home as a wife and me tell him, no you hurt me and I never want you back.  I wanted him to apologize for what he did.  I wanted him to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Guess what people.  He moved on and didn’t look back.  The girls really like him, he has a big house because of his mother leaving it to him so he has something to offer. Whew. Well that Karma didn’t quite work out like I wanted it to and I have a lot of work to do on myself on getting over this resentment that I have on things not being fair. Because in the scheme of life I will make my life happy. Life with him was not supposed to be and that pain was not for nothing, feel it and let it go…let it go! My time will come because I am a good person. But the most important thing of all. Don’t obsess over him because it is none of my business what life deals him, good or bad, it just is out of my control whether he becomes a bum or a millionaire. That is too much energy spent on him. If I could spend that much energy spent on myself, I could turn that negative energy into positive energy and do something useful to bring myself up.

So this is my main focus in my life right now, dealing with my resentments and learning to let them go. Not let my ex live in my head rent free. I am learning some pretty cool meditation tools to learn to still my mind for that endless chatter and it is helpful.

So if you are dealing with anger and it is eating you up, you have some forgiveness you have to work on because it will eat you alive.

When I think he has a house and a girlfriend, I remind myself, yeah but I have a mom that is still alive, and man I would rather have my mom more than any man or any house. It is all in how you see things.

Peace be with me…Peace be with you and may all our resentments leave us so we may live in serenity and have peace in our hearts….that isn’t asking too much is it?