Believe it! I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s. I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses. How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years. Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.
When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.
EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried? Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?
I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.
This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be. I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.
He said that he was the man he was today because of me. I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you. Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.
He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.
I could not stop the tears as I told him that I loved this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left. Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…
I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more. So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else. I see how he treats the girl he was dating now. He got bored and wants new meat. That is not what I want for myself.
So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons. This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy. This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there. I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.
Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again. It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.
For now, home is where mama is!
It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids.
My kids want their father to be part of my family gatherings. What is worse is that my family also miss him and want him to be around. Everyone feels sorry for him because the only family he had is my family. His mother, father and brother died within the last 5 years.
Trying to Compromise
At the beginning, I agreed to invite my ex to Thanksgiving at my mother’s because my daughter broke down in tears. She felt bad that her father did not have his mother for the holidays. Fine! I let him come, but I was not happy at all.
When my dear friend’s daughter passed on, my daughter got upset because I did not want him there. Why would he want to go? He had went out with us a few times, but that this was my personal friend. But fine! I was really trying hard not to be the bitter scorned ex-wife, so I said o.k. My friends were cordial to him but asked me after, why would he show his face. They did not like him because of the way he dumped me.
Ironically another friend of mine passed away a few months later. This friend was his friend before mine so when I asked if he were going he said, “She wasn’t really my friend.” Hello! He knew this friend for over 25 years so what was the real reason he HAD to go to MY circle of friends?
Then my sister wanted him there for her baby shower when she was having her first baby. She said he was the only male figure growing up and really wanted him there. I was dealing with bad depression because I could not seem to get over him. I was mad at how he rejected me. But what really got to me was that my family didn’t seem to care how I was feeling, they missed him and felt it was time for me to get over it so he could be part of the family again.
The Situation Makes No Sense To Me!:
In the past it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to my family functions. Now that he dumped me, now he wanted to hang out all the time? I said he could come but the whole time at the baby shower I had this void in the pit of my stomach and was so close to tears the whole time. I did not enjoy my own sisters baby shower because all I could think about was he was paying no attention to me. My family sat round him like he was a celebrity.
Now he has a girlfriend and my family expects me to get over it already so he could be part of the activities. Right after I found out he had moved on I missed Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house because I knew he was going to be there. I made it clear that it was him or me, my sister-in-law made it clear that he was invited and I was being immature.
Any Advice Out There?
So I ask to everyone out there, is there anyone else going through this? I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but I don’t want to have any relationship with him anymore! I can understand when my kids get married or have kids, then of course I would not say I don’t want him there, but this is my family.
After many arguments with my children and my family and expressing that it hurts me to be around him, I surrender. I told my family that I am tired of being the bad guy, so I am pulling away and he could be there in my place. My daughter called me selfish.
So he decides to sever ties with me and move on and I am supposed to accept him with open arms or I am selfish. I am sorry I don’t have to accept someone who rejected me and be chummy with him.
Maybe in time but maybe I don’t ever have to be his friend and I will be damned if I am going to be miserable during my family gatherings so “he” won’t be lonely without a family. My thing is he should go with his girlfriend’s family and get close to them since that is who he chooses. He cares nothing about me so why would I care about him?
My family has no regard for my feelings. So my focus is going to be on me and doing what keeps me happy obviously my ex could care less about my feelings so it is not my job to let him screw around with other women and then come play house with my family. And if my family feels it is o.k., then obviously my family cares more about his feelings than mine so this is why I am deciding to pull away from my family.
This is a miserably sad time for me, but what else can I do.
My blogs have stopped because I felt I was unworthy of giving empowering words. Things were easy when I thought he was missing me and oh well I have a boyfriend who shows me attention. Life is great, I’m great and this divorce thing is a piece of cake…
Then I kept getting dumped and the horror…I couldn’t find a stable guy, they had no jobs, were criminals, or just plain losers…and I’m amazing aren’t I? Yet he was horrible and he had the girls tearing down his door.
I was alone, back at mom’s…and he settled down with someone. I found her kicking back at the home we were supposed to raise our grandchildren in. She was pretty, was nice, had a career…AND WAS 15 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!
This is what we call needing to accept reality. As I had in the past, I am trying for the millionth time, to pick myself up and start all over again from scratch.
Situation: I felt humiliated, rejected, depressed because my husband dumped me and got a new young, woman.
Get control of yourself! This is only going to happen if I accept he moved on.
Start the process over:
• Grieve: I know I did a lot of this. I am the “wah-wah” woman. I got this part down.
• Realize: This is reality, I had to grasp that I was no longer his wife and he is his own person. People move on and isn’t that what I want for myself so why was I chastising him as a horrible human being. I know it is hard, but what if a man is placed in front of me and they say “Love him and spend the rest of your life with him.” But I couldn’t.
We can’t force ourselves to feel for somebody. Should he have to stay in a relationship where he just can’t love me? Is that not selfish of me? The reality is, it’s not his fault if he doesn’t have feelings for me.
• Have Patience: This hurt will not last forever. I must trust the process of life, happiness, sadness, tragedy and finally peace. But the process has needs active participation from me.
• Forgive: I have to learn to forgive him and yup, that woman he is porking too. Yuck, it was hard, it is so very hard.
• Accept: Acceptance is necessary, and at some point, I need not fight the past. It means seeing things clearly.
Remember I am forgiving for myself, not for him. I never have to say the words to him. I am doing it as a healing practice so I can live and be happy again.
I need to always remember that I am in control of my happiness and it is none of my business anymore what he is doing, we are no longer together.
“One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, is to forgive.”
Anyone that has went through or going through a break up or divorce has to admit that there were some signs. Most of us had those signs of unhappiness. Can you claim, why did he leave you because you were so happy with him and now you are not. I will give you that you may not be happy now but were you truly happy with him right before. Think about it. If you were the one left and you knew he was not happy, could you really be bouncing around the house feeling on top of the world being in a marriage knowing your mate is miserable with you?
My husband used that on me, he told me that I was not happy anyways. Uh yeah of course not because I knew you didn’t really want me and how the hell am I supposed to be happy you dimwit! Jeez. But let’s not throw stones. Let’s leave the part out. No I was not happy for a long time. He was not the man to make me happy.
For one big thing, I could not be “me” with him. See I have a great inner child that he didn’t like too much. He was always telling me to act like an adult. Grow up, be mature, stop playing around so much, close the door, do the dishes, brush my hair, am I going to wear that?,
Or there would be the questions, who left the door open, who left the t.v. on? Who was the last one in the bathroom and forgot to turn off the light? This was all day long. He followed me and watched and looked for things I would do wrong. Decorating the house for Christmas or Halloween would be a big lecture, we were just making a big mess. Everything was a put-down or criticism to me and the kids. We would ask to play a board game with us, yeah right, that is dumb. The kids wanted to have a sleep over in the station wagon and pretend we were homeless so we did, omg what is wrong with you are you crazy, get the kids in the house, what will the neighbors say.
It became a going thing, “Oh shit, dads home!” friends would leave, everyone looked around the house to see what was out-of-order. Wow I am thinking now. Life really sucked! But anyways…
I wasn’t free to be me. He didn’t like me. Catalina was a mess. She joked too much, life was a game to her, board games juvenile, silliness all silliness, I loved dancing, he loved drinking,, I loved a house full of laughing playing kids, he wanted silence….everything I did got on his nerves.
Oh I tried to be who he wanted. I would clean the house spotless and he would blow it because I forgot the trash.
So no, I was not happy but I did not know the extent of my unhappiness. I did not know that this stifling and condemning me the person, the tearing at me personally was ripping at the core of who I was and what I felt about myself. I started to let myself go and I gained a lot of weight. I slept if I was not working. My inner child became locked up inside more and more to the point where she never came out and all sense of play in me died. I became very depressed.
I gave up asking for his time and let him go do his thing and just stayed in bed.
I was watching the cute Disney movie “Frozen” this weekend when the young queen escapes the confines of her castle and runs into the mountains to her freedom away from what is expected of her and she is finally able to use her so-called “curse” which makes everything into ice, freely and feels invigorated and empowered for the first time in her life. She blasts a sexy ice dress on herself and flings this sexy flowing hair and builds this castle just throwing out her arms freely releasing who she really is, the ice queen as she belts out the song, “Let it Go!”
As I watched it I sat up and had this big smile on my face. OMG I am my person now. Nobody tells me what to do or how to do it or tears me down, nobody tries to make me who I am anymore. He never liked who I was, eccentric, quirky, but that is who I am and I am free to be who I am now. If somebody doesn’t like how I am, too bad, I don’t change my essence for nobody!!! I like me today, I LOVE ME TODAY!!! I am letting go the need to be who anyone wants me to be, especially that man who used to be my husband!!
My eyes are open now. He did me a favor leaving me because how was I ever supposed to work on me when I was never allowed to be me. Every woman should see the animated movie, “Frozen”, what a cute inspiring movie. I leave you with the song….
I can be on the treadmill and close my eyes and reach a point of stillness, of silence and drown out the clinging of the weights, the booming of the music. A place of peace and serenity. A place I never have been before.
A year and a half ago I was forced out of the house I was living with my husband because my mother-in-law owned the house. A couple months before my husband had already asked me for a divorce and I was sleeping on the couch. I knew the marriage was over, I think, I wasn’t sure. I mean we have said it a million times before and it never happened so I think in the back of my head it might have been a hollow threat with it being real vocally. “Sure you want a divorce, fine I will give you one!”
But in the back of my head I kinda thought maybe we would get back together when his mother would die. She was dying of terminal Cancer and she and my daughters fighting was one of the reasons we were fighting.. Guess what he offered. He told me he had an extra room because after my daughter moved out he didn’t want me to live on the street I was on alone.
Ok let’s think about that. That sounds like roommate talk no? Then I find out he has a girlfriend. Ok this is becoming more real. Now I find out he doesn’t want me back anymore.
Now let’s get this straight, I would never ever go back to him. I know he will never ever make me happy. This is not the issue. I am a sick puppy here because listen to what the issue is.
I wanted him to be in that big house all by himself, so depressed and cursing the day he ever let me go. I wanted him to ask me to come home as a wife and me tell him, no you hurt me and I never want you back. I wanted him to apologize for what he did. I wanted him to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Guess what people. He moved on and didn’t look back. The girls really like him, he has a big house because of his mother leaving it to him so he has something to offer. Whew. Well that Karma didn’t quite work out like I wanted it to and I have a lot of work to do on myself on getting over this resentment that I have on things not being fair. Because in the scheme of life I will make my life happy. Life with him was not supposed to be and that pain was not for nothing, feel it and let it go…let it go! My time will come because I am a good person. But the most important thing of all. Don’t obsess over him because it is none of my business what life deals him, good or bad, it just is out of my control whether he becomes a bum or a millionaire. That is too much energy spent on him. If I could spend that much energy spent on myself, I could turn that negative energy into positive energy and do something useful to bring myself up.
So this is my main focus in my life right now, dealing with my resentments and learning to let them go. Not let my ex live in my head rent free. I am learning some pretty cool meditation tools to learn to still my mind for that endless chatter and it is helpful.
So if you are dealing with anger and it is eating you up, you have some forgiveness you have to work on because it will eat you alive.
When I think he has a house and a girlfriend, I remind myself, yeah but I have a mom that is still alive, and man I would rather have my mom more than any man or any house. It is all in how you see things.
Peace be with me…Peace be with you and may all our resentments leave us so we may live in serenity and have peace in our hearts….that isn’t asking too much is it?
What is this I feel in my heart
What is this I feel in my soul
The thrashing of the oceans have stopped
The crushing of waves against the cliffs have ceased
All this I carried within every part of me
Developed by pain, anger, resentment
At times the tides were so high twisting and turning
The great waters pulled me under with such force
Like what I carried inside me , it barely let me breath
As soon as I thought I conquered one trial
Another wave of tribulations came crushing over me
Sucking me under as I fought to regain my step
And I fought to regain my step and I fought to regain my step
And then as I turned the side of the cliff
The foam of the water turn crystal blue like glass
So still, so peaceful, so tranquil was this lagoon
My thighs still trembled from fighting the waves
So I layed back and allowed the drift bring me safely to shore
As the water cascaded rubbed against me so soft like a human hand
The gentle rocking of the water so close to a lullaby
Is this my reward?
This stillness of my mind?
the peace in my heart?
this wondrous feeling?
I don’t want to feel the anguish of the stormy waters anymore
I am done being angry and resentful and bitter and sad
But only I can take myself to the beautiful place of serenity, peace and joy.
It is my decision and it is pushing myself through the pain.
But it is hard, and it takes time
and at times you want to just want to give in
but just know if you keep getting up
It is true paradise….
Divorcee Got Wings
A Bit of Me in Every Key Stroke
I'm divorcing a narcissist after 8 years of crazy. This is my story of getting out and healing from the abuse.