I’m Renting a Room At My Ex’s Home!

I'm Renting a Room From My ExBelieve it!  I last left off blogging about my depression because for three years I have rent rooms, going back to mom’s.  I have been here and there and even stayed random nights at friends houses.  How I longed for that feeling you get after a long day at work and you just kick off your shoes and flop on the couch…HOME…That feeling was a big void for three years.  Some conditions I lived in were so deplorable but at my pay and with my bills that was all I could afford.

When my ex told me I could rent a room at his home AND MY KIDS LIVE THERE, I said yes faster than he could finish his sentence.

EVERYONE’S CONCERN: Could I stay detached whilst I stayed under the same roof with the man who told me to my face he just didn’t love me anymore and ridiculed me as I cried?  Could I handle the fact that he still does not want me and will be dating and even bringing women home? Would  all the old arguing and fighting we used to do start-up again and mess up their happy home?

I would lie if I were to say that it won’t bother me if he struts in with this woman and see interest in his eyes for her, being sweet and acting like a teenager head over heels. Interest that he was not able to find in me but so easily pours it out to someone else. Yeah, I know there will be pain. I know there will be no scene, instead I will accept defeat and peacefully move out as soon as I could.

This is not my thought process, I am not allowing it to be.  I looked him straight in the eye and said, as long as you can allow me the same privilege that this is my house too and I will respectfully date and only bring someone home if it is not just booty call. What he told me next blew me away.

He said that he was the man he was today because of me.  I was the one that fixed his teeth, got him to stop drinking, took care of his Cancer (I forget what else) and he said thank you.  Now it was his turn to pay me back by giving me a place to call home, that it was my home too for as long as I wanted to live there as long as we could get along.

He went on to say that he has only three people he cares about and that is his kids and me, we are all the family he has left and he would do all he could because I deserve it.

I could not stop the tears as I told him that I lived this house and it was hard moving out yet it feels like I never left.  Being able to see my kids everyday, having my dog run and greet me as I get home. Having noise in the house…

I don’t know what the future brings, I know he has never been able to love me like a man loves a woman and that hurts my ego more.  So I know there would never be another us, he killed my heart the day he told me he was done and had someone else.  I see how he treats the girl he was dating now.  He got bored and wants new meat.  That is not what I want for myself.

So this is a new adventure for me in learning life lessons.  This is the ultimate test in forgiveness, acceptance and most of all jealousy.  This is my ultimate step in moving on and seeing him do it will kindle that spark in me to take a chance out there.  I am young, attractive and have a lot to offer.

Maybe IT IS time to stop feeling like I am unlovable and see what is out there again.  It is a scary feeling but it would be nice to have those butterflies over a man again.

For now, home is where mama is!

Did You Say Maybe It’s A Good Thing He Broke My Heart?

Free Me From My Pain

Free Me From My Pain

Yes I did and I mean it. You know that sweet heart of yours that somebody just stomped on and kicked around and it just hurts so bad because of what you went through? I am going to show you that you can turn that pain into a positive thing…YES YOU HEARD RIGHT, I SAID TURN YOUR HURT TO A POSITIVE HURT!

Let me let you in on something. I am writing this for your, and for me. Yup, I was just used in the worst way by somebody that was supposedly my best friend for over three years and I said ok I will date him and bam. Him knowing I have rejection and trust issues because of how badly I was abused by my husband for 25 years, what happens, I find out that he was just using me for money and sex. Obviously I was not even a friend because do you hurt somebody like that when they are your best friend for so many years?

So ask me how I feel right now. Why thank you for caring, I feel like there is something wrong with me and I am unloveable. My husband told me our whole marriage that I was going to end up alone, and now he is dating someone he really likes who is young and pretty and I made peace with it, but darn.

So are you with me? Are we going to analyze this thing we are going through and turn it into a positive? Say yes, say yes…

Ok if you are on this paragraph you must of said yes. Cool. This is my belief, not belief it is a proven fact. When we go through hardships and pain and trauma we can do one of two things.

1. Resonate with that pain and allow ourselves to become a more compassionate loving person because we don’t want to hurt people. We know what it feels like to hurt. We become wiser from learning all this.

2. Or we can become bitter, anti-men, thinking all men are the same. Maybe become depressed and see life in a negative way from here on in.

Which one sounds better?

So where is the lesson in all this. Let’s use me for instance.

I knew this guy was a flake. Am I going to learn from my mistake or am I going to repeat it and go after more flakes. Maybe I should screen better and be more selective. With all this we definitely get wiser. This is my theory. My husband was not good to me, he abused me, verbally and physically and I was the one who begged him not to leave me. Who does that? someone that obviously doesn’t love themselves.

So maybe after him I should have taken time off men and worked me and learning to love Catalina. Nope, I ended up with some other guy that didn’t want commitment and how did I feel about myself when this guy thinks I am good enough to be a girlfriend but no no we are not talking about futures. He ended up leaving me.

So now did I learn that I needed to take a break and work on me, hell no, I ended up with this last guy. I figured God said. You know this girl is not learning her lesson so let me get someone that really really hurts her. This one is going to be a doozy and maybe then she will realize if she doesn’t work on her self worth, she is going to continue to accept men that treat her like shit.

So my assignment now is I have vented, I have cried, boy have I cried. Then I will start with my affirmations that I am going to start doing every day. I am reading Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. Because I need to do some heavy forgiveness work, not for him, for me. Then I need to start this journey of healing and working on my self-worth.

This chick is going to have some real high standards when she looks for her next man in say, 5 years.

So in a nutshell:
a. What went wrong in my relationship. Was it maybe a blessing in disguise?
b. What could I learn from it?
c. I promise to be more loving and compassionate.
d. I allowed myself to grieve.
e. I vented and vomited all my feelings out.
f. I will do forgiveness work (I have a chapter on it)
g. I will practice self affirmations about loving myself.
h. I think I will treat myself to something nice today! An ice cream.

Another Excuse to Cheat, The Grass Is Greener…

excuse cheat grass greener

This blog is in response to the comments I received about the interview I did with a 47-year old single male.  This was an interview about what do men really want from a woman.  It started out on the right track about inner qualities but wait till you hear what happened.

I asked what do men really want out of a woman. I was quite surprised at how much he opened up and how frank he was..  The qualities I asked about were personality traits and made it clear to forget about beauty because this is what men always talk about. I was more concerned on the inner qualities.

After saying the sense of humor, affectionate etc, the interview ended up being about why women need to keep themselves groomed and beautiful and toned.  If your weight is too high, she better lose it or her man’s eye is going to wander at women with tight clothes and bikinis.  My interviewee was adamant also that a woman needs to take care of her significant others sexual needs because this too will make him stray when she doesn’t.  I said, “You know this is going to create a backlash.”  I said it playfully, but I knew it would.

Here are some comments I received in my blog but mostly my Face Book.

Claire from,  lovetoreadlovetowrite703.net is a beautiful poet and writes about everything from dogs to avatars.  Fascinating poet.  But I loved what she commented, “Not too surprised. Men vary of course, but they do tend to be a lot more physically inclined than us.”

I  agree, so we ask, are all men going to be eye wanderers because they are always looking for that green green grass?

A reader, who I will call, Mary, she stated the following:  “I’ve always known men were that shallow…but to add to what he said, you can be that sexy eye candy to your man and fulfill all his sexual desires and be the ideal girl to him.  Yet, a man will always find any excuse to stray.  It’s sad but unfortunately it’s a risk you always have to be willing to take when it comes to being in a relationship. Men can just be shallow that way. Especially considering that no man will ever go out of their way to be what we want them to be or do what they know we like and would attract us.  Yet, us women bend over backwards at times just fit this mold of wants. We even go the extra mile to just to keep them happy and satisfied! It’s hard!”

I really like that comment.  Let’s look at Hale Berry and Sandra Bullock, there may have been other factors we don’t know about, but how do you keep up yourself more beautiful than that and still get betrayed?

A Mrs. Storm questioned, “Not all men are like that. I know my uncles & dad sure weren’t. Is the modern man like that?

Which ties in with Mr. Cole’s question, “I disagree with at least 3/4 of what he said. Period. Can you say around how old he is?”  After I told him 47 he continues, “I don’t think most men, at least older men are that shallow”.

A Ms. Jimenez writes, “Some men are just immature.”

Say it Ms. Jimenez!

Another inspiring author from the blog theaccidentalpoet.net, commented, “Admittedly, I have often found myself looking at “fit” women more. I know that’s rather shallow, but somehow I feel as though I was wired that way. What I look for MOST in a woman, however, is someone who has love and respect for others, who has a grasp on spirituality, and who is creative and spontaneous. …Now in my mid 50’s, I am more interested in what’s on the inside than what’s on the outside. I was really drawn to “the body” of the woman in my teens and twenties. I like to think I’ve evolved somewhat in my “prime” years.   This man knows his stuff, he has written forever but what is so inspiring is how his writing changed him.  Read his blog to better understand his story, intriguing!

The accidental poet gives me a better understanding of what a good man should evolve into. He mentioned feeling he was “wired” to look at beautiful or fit women but as he matured it changed.
I knew he could pull it down for us, as well as Mr. Cole.

This is what it breaks down to, and I think this is more for the men but more for the women.  There are men out there that are immature but that changes with age.  Some men never mature to the fact that, as we age, we change, it is harder to keep weight off.  As women are struggling to love their bodies, this is the message they feel.

Whip that body into better shape or he is gonna leave your ass!

So as women are we going to be with a man that makes you feel like Mary said, “bending over backwards?”  information like this is damaging to our self-esteem.  As it is women are always striving to look like that perfect 10 model, young girls are starving themselves.

Furthermore, no girl should ever feel she needs to perform like a porn star and having a rocking body better than Hale Barry because you know what, there are those immature men that are going to find another excuse to cheat.  As women when a man says anything opposite of a compliment about the body that is part of who you are, you don’t walk, RUN AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP!

What men fail to mention is the ones that never matured psychologically, must not have a mirror because they look like they could be sporting a 7-month old baby themselves.

This is one of my better topics because it even opened up my eyes and I hope it opened up yours, there is just no pleasing some men and learn to spot that man a mile away.

Till next time…Ciao!

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED

What to do when you been betrayed

When your love betrays you, there is going to be a lot of sadness, anger, maybe even revenge seeking. Yes it is really hard, but sometimes there is nothing else to do or think about, it is time to move on.

Betrayal is some hard stuff to deal with. Are you making it harder on you instead of being proactive about getting over this horrible thing that happened?

What do we mean when I say betrayed:

  • Cheated on.  Make things worse it someone you knew like a friend or even relative.
  • Manipulated out of money, scammed for lack of a better word.
  • Stole from you.  Like a family heirloom

In other words he hurt you deeply.  So now what?

First of all, how long are you going to agonize over it? Oh and forget it if there was complete denial on their part. Do you find yourself gathering all your “evidence” to prove that he did do whatever he did, and try to put it together like you’re an attorney going to court. Stop the self-torture. If a man cannot assume responsibility for his actions you are spinning circles and that is just hurting you. This kind of man will lie that he is cheating even if you bust him while he is plowing her, if you know what I mean. Then top it off with yelling at you to shut the door, you are always trying to start a fight!

That is the kind of man I have attracted and boy nothing is more frustrating and then there is no closure. You would like an apology, an explanation redemption. But guess what, life isn’t fair and you may end up with this instead:

  1. Denial. Never happened, they don’t know what you are talking about.
  2. Never even takes responsibility for his own actions.
  3. What about the man who shows no remorse?
  4. Shift blamers. They feel justified and it is all on you.
  5. Make you out as a crazy nag that just wants to argue and you better stop or he will show you and leave you. Oh yeah, he is that wonderful.
  6. Or, my favorite, he disappears, maybe forever. Poof! Yeah I had one of those too.

So where is the closure if you are dealing with this kind of situations. You have to create it.

Forget, as they will say, confronting them with nagging because they have to admit their wrong doings. Maybe they are denying something they did and you are livid, how can he deny when you have the facts, and you need them to admit to it. You have questions damn it! When it is true, only reason you would need to ask him anything else is if you were not sure and needed confirmation from his mouth. You just have this feeling that some of your anger will go away if you can just prove to him that he can’t deny things anymore. You have your answer, that needs to be your closure.

You already spent too much time on a loser like that so it is time to move on and feel blessed you found out about what kind of person is and didn’t stay with him another year or decade. Move on girl! Do not allow it to consume you to the point where other areas of your life will be affected by you in this state. Your happiness, your other relations, family, friends, work, and let’s not forget we always need to play. In fact I would probably call this the most important time to remember to play and do fun things with others in your life.

Don’t allow yourself to get lost and ruminate in the problem trying to find a solution that you may never find. It is time to deal with the pain so you can let it go, yeah let it go. You don’t need to hold on to that pain so he knows your suffering either. The only one that this hurts is you, they care less.

 

I remind myself that I trust life will deal with “him”. If you are used, cheated on with no regard for your feelings, you may feel like you have to do something because they are not going to get away with what they did to you. Know that people who hurt people like that will see that they just keep having bad luck. This guy once betrayed the friendship part of our relationship. That really hurt me and it went through me because not only did he have no remorse, he shifted the blame trying to make me out as a nag, always wanting to argue. Now that I think about it, he always wonders why he just can’t get a break. Something good is happening and boom, it goes away, jobs are lost, cars are lost. That is the process I like to think of as Karma.

You are not in charge here when it comes to someone else’s behavior. You focus is on you and continue to be the best person in life. Take this as a lesson in learning to be more compassionate about people’s feelings because of this experience and what betrayal hurt feels like.

Most importantly, it is time to create your own happiness and give up that victim mentality. You can’t sit around and wait to heal either. It doesn’t come to us, we have to go out and pursue happiness and peace and serenity.

Happiness-is-always-a-choice.-You-can’t-wait-for-circumstances-to-get-better.-You-have-to-create-your-own-good-fortune.-So-look-for-ways-to-be-happy-every-day.

Are You Allowing Your Pain and Anger to Harm You and Your Family?

Are you having a booger of a time dealing with this divorce?  Does your life seem to be falling apart and you feel like you are dying of a broken heart or maybe you feel so angry you could bite through a bullet.    .

Time to Woman Up With this Divorce

I know, I know, the last thing you want to do is pretend your are strong if you feel sad and weak and you just can’t stand that cliché’, “fake it till you make it!”

The truth is that behaving negatively is bad for your health, your mental health and especially if you have children.  It affects your job, and even future relationships.  Don’t you want to deal with your emotions so you could figure all this is for the best so you can start living a healthy life leading to happiness.

Deal With Your Divorce Stress With Dignity And Strength

You can become your worst enemy because if you are behaving negatively, How will you ever come out of this a stronger woman.

Control your negative emotions from yourself and your children.

When I say control, I don’t mean mask it or pretend it isn’t there.  You must allow yourself to go through the pain and feel every bit of it.  You must process it to come out of the other end.

Going through a divorce, or even separations and break-ups can be devastating. It is a like mourning the death of your husband, only he is alive and shacking up with another woman.  Yeah that sure does hurt.

If you are angry and full of resentment, you have to identify the pain that is fueling that anger and work on that.  You heard of the stages of grief.  They are now saying that they don’t come in any particular order.  You may feel anger first until you realize the truth and then get depressed.  What matters is looking for articles, advice on healing.

What Are Issues That Could Flare Up Negative and Destructive Emotions

  • Spouses own temper tantrums he brings to you.  You have to realize this is not about fighting fire with fire.  If he is fire, you need to be water and not gasoline.
  • Research mind, body and soul healing.  What this means is that you have to take care of yourself now.  Eat the right foods, don’t drink too much, exercise. Whatever is your belief source, now is probably the best time to get in touch with your faith.
  • Take good care of your job.  We all have had those times when we are going through something and work is so hard because your mind wanders.  But your job is your source of income and you want to remember you may be the sole breadwinner now.
  • Take good care of your kids.  This is very tough on them and it is imperative that you are not a jealous, information seeking, pitiful look at how sad I am a type of mom.  They are your priority so you need to woman-up around your children.
  • The last is realize that just because Karen Gail Grubb from across the street dealt with her divorce great.  As a matter of fact they are friends and they both get their new spouses and they all go to Olive Garden for “All You Can Eat spaghetti” on Tuesday.  So what!  Do not compare yourself to anyone because everyone heals different.  There is no time watch on grief. But at the same time you don’t want to live in our wallow either.

Well that is it for now.  If you can think of anything more, please send me a comment.

Happy Healing

Do You Really Want To Know What Men Want?

What Men Want

I have uncovered the straight-forward bare facts of what a man really really wants in a woman. This comes from and candid interview with a single male who isn’t telling all the flowery things we want to hear. He will show candidly and explicitly what not only keeps a man, but keeps a man from cheating.

After a break-up or a miss-hit with a guy, don’t you want to know what really went wrong. Guys can beat around the bush and play their games, but no more, let’s find out what is going on in that head of theirs.

I chose this particular person to do the interview with because this is not an actor who needs to keep face. It is not from an ex or current beau who will only tell me what I want to hear. I knew I could count on this person who shall remain anonymous to avoid backlash. You will see why in the interview. Let’s call him John Doe for his anonymity.

Catalina: Thank you so much for doing this for me. Although you know who I am, let me tell you anyways so you know my purpose of asking for your interview. I am Catalina Zamora, author of the blog, “Divorcee Got Wings.” The reason I wanted to interview you is to show a male point of view and I know you will tell me what I want to know. No judgement, in fact I think it will be fascinating.

John Doe: Ok I am ready.

Catalina: First of all can you tell me what 5 qualities you look for in a woman. Now I know men are visual so I am asking for qualities that have nothing to do with looks.

John Doe: Sense of humor, laughter, affectionate, up for anything and willing to give things a chance with an open mind, be able to adapt to any situation instead of always complaining.

Catalina: Now, now I said good qualities. Ha!, you are already telling me bad qualities and I didn’t get to that part. Ok next tell 5 qualities that are deal breakers for you. In other words, you would not want to date a woman with these 5 qualities you are going to come up with yourself.

John Doe: Too flirty, always wanting to be out partying like drinking. Being selfish. Being close-minded. Oh and not have any family values, for me family comes first.

Catalina: Now how will you respond to many women’s complaints that all the good men are taken?

John Doe: Because the men that are single today have gone through something in a relationship that has damaged them or they get bored. They are acting out and enjoying single life. They play single games because they have been hurt and don’t like commitment . At some point though, it either gets boring again and they start looking for that true go to girl to love.

Catalina: Now what do you think is the biggest reason a man is afraid of relationships?

John Doe: If a man does not really love a woman they will always look at other woman and wonder. A woman has to take care to their men. Be beautiful, classy well dressed, sexy and a freak to their man.

Catalina: How do you feel about the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?

John Doe: Some men are not happy and never fell in love with their woman. If a woman can be a freak to their man do things and be spontaneous they will never leave that I for men

Catalina: So are you saying men tie sex and love together.

John Doe: Kind of. In men’s eyes, good sex makes us fall in love. And all the other things that I said, sense of humor, affectionate, that keeps them around and happy.

Catalina: So if a woman is lacking in her sexual skills, he will not be able to truly love her?

John Doe: A woman has to keep man happy. Keep herself visually attractive also.

Catalina: Ok, so even though I said I wanted to concentrate on personality attributes and not appearance, you brought it up. Is appearance that important?

John Doe: Yes, send sexy pics or send texts about what they are going to do to them when they get home from work. I am just letting you in the mind of a man. You wanted straight up answers right?

Catalina: Of course. So if a woman gains like 30-40 pounds but dresses sexy and does everything to please her man, is that a woman men will stay with? Or will they start looking over the fence where it is greener?

John Doe: Yes he will be happy. At the same time though, if she is gaining too much weight, she should try to get back into shape because it will be better for the relationship.

Catalina: Wait, you are giving me conflicting information. Do you feel weight is an important issue?

John Doe: Yes, most men will be looking at other women in tight clothes and small bikinis.

Catalina: Wow, that sounds like that is quite some pressure to put on a woman. They have to keep in shape and keep up with your freaky self in bed. You realize this is probably going to get some backlash.

John Doe: Do you want me to tell you what guys think, and talk to each other about. You wanted to know, so I told you what guys talk about and what we feel.

Catalina: I said no judgement, and I meant it. Thank you John Doe for being so open. By the way, I will be contacting you again for “Men’s Point of View” sessions.

John Doe: Anytime.

After Interview Afterthought: I would like to hear from women out there on their reaction to what John Doe shared with us. Let me tell you one thing, I, was a little perturbed by the comment about the weight gain. At the same time, I really believe that the majority of men feel that way. This is not to say that a man is going to cheat, what I am saying that their eyes do start to wonder. I also have to add, I don’t think I would be led to cheat on my spouse if he gained 30-40 pounds. For me that would not be a reason to cheat.

So this interview went in a different direction than I had meant it to but I did find out some good stuff. Men want eye candy to have sex with and then he will fall in love and stay with her forever? In a nut shell that is what he said correct? Think about it ladies, if that was not the case there would not be so many nudie bars and strip clubs. When is the last time you seen a strip club on every corner for women? I have to say this interview, as scary as it sounds, there is a lot of truth to what he said.

I would be interested in hearing from some men also.

Thank you, until next time…Ciao!

Catalina

Divorcee Blogger

 

 

When Your Family Can’t Let Your Ex Go

2014-09-2-Life-of-Pix-free-stock-photos-hands-desk-swatch-Damian-zaleski

It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids. My children are adults and I find no need to have to see him like if he were picking them up for visitation. So for me this is a blessing.

The Problem:

My kids want their father to be part of my family gatherings. What is worse is that my family also miss him and want him to be around. Everyone feels sorry for him because the only family he had is my family. His mother, father and brother died within the last 5 years.
Trying to Compromise

At the beginning, I agreed to invite my ex to Thanksgiving at my mother’s because my daughter broke down in tears. She felt bad that her father did not have his mother for the holidays. Fine! I let him come, but I was not happy at all.

When my dear friend’s daughter passed on, my daughter got upset because I did not want him there. Why would he want to go? He had went out with us a few times, but that this was my personal friend. But fine! I was really trying hard not to be the bitter scorned ex-wife, so I said o.k. My friends were cordial to him but asked me after, why would he show his face. They did not like him because of the way he dumped me.

Ironically another friend of mine passed away a few months later. This friend was his friend before mine so when I asked if he were going he said, “She wasn’t really my friend.” Hello! He knew this friend for over 25 years so what was the real reason he HAD to go to MY circle of friends?

Then my sister wanted him there for her baby shower when she was having her first baby. She said he was the only male figure growing up and really wanted him there. I was dealing with bad depression because I could not seem to get over him. I was mad at how he rejected me. But what really got to me was that my family didn’t seem to care how I was feeling, they missed him and felt it was time for me to get over it so he could be part of the family again.

The Situation Makes No Sense To Me!:

In the past it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to my family functions. Now that he dumped me, now he wanted to hang out all the time? I said he could come but the whole time at the baby shower I had this void in the pit of my stomach and was so close to tears the whole time. I did not enjoy my own sisters baby shower because all I could think about was he was paying no attention to me. My family sat round him like he was a celebrity.

Now he has a girlfriend and my family expects me to get over it already so he could be part of the activities. Right after I found out he had moved on I missed Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house because I knew he was going to be there.  I made it clear that it was him or me, my sister-in-law made it clear that he was invited and I was being immature.

Any Advice Out There?
So I ask to everyone out there, is there anyone else going through this? I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but I don’t want to have any relationship with him anymore! I can understand when my kids get married or have kids, then of course I would not say I don’t want him there, but this is my family.

My Decision:

After many arguments with my children and my family and expressing that it hurts me to be around him, I surrender. I told my family that I am tired of being the bad guy, so I am pulling away and he could be there in my place. My daughter called me selfish.

So he decides to sever ties with me and move on and I am supposed to accept him with open arms or I am selfish. I am sorry I don’t have to accept someone who rejected me and be chummy with him.

 

Maybe in time but maybe I don’t ever have to be his friend and I will be damned if I am going to be miserable during my family gatherings so “he” won’t be lonely without a family. My thing is he should go with his girlfriend’s family and get close to them since that is who he chooses. He cares nothing about me so why would I care about him?

My family has no regard for my feelings. So my focus is going to be on me and doing what keeps me happy obviously my ex could care less about my feelings so it is not my job to let him screw around with other women and then come play house with my family. And if my family feels it is o.k., then obviously my family cares more about his feelings than mine so this is why I am deciding to pull away from my family.

This is a miserably sad time for me, but what else can I do.