Tag Archive | Separating

Signs You Are Getting Bitter! 

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Now I am not going to say that I never get bitter, it is natural especially if you were the one that was left.  Watch yourself and if you start talking like this, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY GETTING BITTER!  Bitter alert, bitter alert!

Don’t sound like this:

  • “Did you see his new ho, she is hideous!” (Even if she looks like Jennifer Anniston, you are going to go over her with a fine tooth comb and find something wrong).
  • “Date? After my marriage I don’t want to see another man ever.” (Wait, I hear that Johnny Depp wants to go out with you, still swearing off men forever? Give it time and you will want to jump right back on the horse…literally).
  • “All the good men are taken or gay!”, (Guess what there are men that were jilted too. There are men that chose careers before, widows, unhappily married men…gee the choices).
  • “He is never going to find anyone like me!” (Can’t rule out, cloning can we?)
  • “One day he is going to regret leaving me and by then it will be too late!” (Spoiler alert, men don’t break up marriages for anything.  He made it final because for some reason the two of you were not mean to be.  That is all, accept it.)
  • “All men are alike!” (Whoah, whoah that is the ultimate “bitter woman” comment. Just like you are unique, so are men so do not sabotage your chances with limited thinking).

What other self-defeating things are you saying?  On a serious note, that kind of thinking can really hold you back from becoming a happily single woman that is the prime catch for those eligible men out there. Trust me they are out there. Just realize, would you like to go out with a negative nilly?  A man that is full of criticism or an optimistic person that see’s the lighter side of life.  You have to attain the same qualities you are looking for a man.  So when you start saying negative things, stop yourself and make yourself realize that is just your hurt and anger getting the best of you.  Only you can control your thoughts.

“Hate. It has caused a lot of problems in this world but has not solved one yet.”

– Maya Angelou

When Your Family Can’t Let Your Ex Go

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It has been 2 ½ years since my husband asked me to move out and he wanted a divorce. I am fully aware that it is important to be civil to each other in front of the kids.

The Problem:

My kids want their father to be part of my family gatherings. What is worse is that my family also miss him and want him to be around. Everyone feels sorry for him because the only family he had is my family. His mother, father and brother died within the last 5 years.
Trying to Compromise

At the beginning, I agreed to invite my ex to Thanksgiving at my mother’s because my daughter broke down in tears. She felt bad that her father did not have his mother for the holidays. Fine! I let him come, but I was not happy at all.

When my dear friend’s daughter passed on, my daughter got upset because I did not want him there. Why would he want to go? He had went out with us a few times, but that this was my personal friend. But fine! I was really trying hard not to be the bitter scorned ex-wife, so I said o.k. My friends were cordial to him but asked me after, why would he show his face. They did not like him because of the way he dumped me.

Ironically another friend of mine passed away a few months later. This friend was his friend before mine so when I asked if he were going he said, “She wasn’t really my friend.” Hello! He knew this friend for over 25 years so what was the real reason he HAD to go to MY circle of friends?

Then my sister wanted him there for her baby shower when she was having her first baby. She said he was the only male figure growing up and really wanted him there. I was dealing with bad depression because I could not seem to get over him. I was mad at how he rejected me. But what really got to me was that my family didn’t seem to care how I was feeling, they missed him and felt it was time for me to get over it so he could be part of the family again.

The Situation Makes No Sense To Me!:

In the past it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to my family functions. Now that he dumped me, now he wanted to hang out all the time? I said he could come but the whole time at the baby shower I had this void in the pit of my stomach and was so close to tears the whole time. I did not enjoy my own sisters baby shower because all I could think about was he was paying no attention to me. My family sat round him like he was a celebrity.

Now he has a girlfriend and my family expects me to get over it already so he could be part of the activities. Right after I found out he had moved on I missed Thanksgiving at my sister-in-laws house because I knew he was going to be there.  I made it clear that it was him or me, my sister-in-law made it clear that he was invited and I was being immature.

Any Advice Out There?
So I ask to everyone out there, is there anyone else going through this? I want my children to have a good relationship with their father, but I don’t want to have any relationship with him anymore! I can understand when my kids get married or have kids, then of course I would not say I don’t want him there, but this is my family.

My Decision:

After many arguments with my children and my family and expressing that it hurts me to be around him, I surrender. I told my family that I am tired of being the bad guy, so I am pulling away and he could be there in my place. My daughter called me selfish.

So he decides to sever ties with me and move on and I am supposed to accept him with open arms or I am selfish. I am sorry I don’t have to accept someone who rejected me and be chummy with him.

 

Maybe in time but maybe I don’t ever have to be his friend and I will be damned if I am going to be miserable during my family gatherings so “he” won’t be lonely without a family. My thing is he should go with his girlfriend’s family and get close to them since that is who he chooses. He cares nothing about me so why would I care about him?

My family has no regard for my feelings. So my focus is going to be on me and doing what keeps me happy obviously my ex could care less about my feelings so it is not my job to let him screw around with other women and then come play house with my family. And if my family feels it is o.k., then obviously my family cares more about his feelings than mine so this is why I am deciding to pull away from my family.

This is a miserably sad time for me, but what else can I do.

Why Dating Right After A Break-Up Is All Bad!

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Divorce is easy…so I thought!

Barely even hurt..so I thought!

I thought I was the divorce guru.  My hubby of almost 30 YEARS dumped me.  Know what happened to me? I grabbed me a new boyfriend in Vegas and life was all about finding cute clothes and keeping in shape because every three weeks I was taking off to Vegas to see shows and play with my new man.

That will show my ex, huh? Especially since he dumped me for another woman. How cool would it be for him to find out I  moved on and got a new man. Sounds like a plan, right? That’s how I was thinking. IN YOUR FACE! HA!

It wasn’t six months, the new guy dumped me. Dumped again. I panicked. My ex was with the same girl…Not a problem, in between crying spells, I signed up for online dating and omg, found the most amazing guy the next day. This was too easy.

I left the guy a good riddance message because I was dating a homicide detective. The hell with my ex and the ex, they were the ones who lost out,  because I was dating up now.

Two weeks later it was over. My depression grew worse. What was going on.

DATING TOO SOON RIGHT AFTER A BREAK-UP THAT’S WHAT! Want to know Why?

1. You never got the chance to grieve and mourn. Those feelings need to be experienced or they will come out other ways. I jumped right into another relationship like putting a cheap band-aid over a bleeding heart. Eventually that band-aid is going to give and all that pain will still come out. Until you are somewhat over wanting to pull the blanket over your head and sleep your life away, until you are back to work, socializing with friends, not crying at a drop of a hat. You are not ready. Be patient and comfort yourself through this process.

2. Are you just trying to fill a void in your heart. Maybe that relationship was toxic but your insecurities subconsciously make you feel like bad love was better than no love. If this is the case one of two things will happen. You will manipulate your ex back or end up in another relationship that is just as toxic. You will find yourself with the same kind of man.

Now I know why they tell you to wait before you start dating. You have to go through the pain and resolve it before you can fully give yourself to anyone else. You need to find your true self and reflect on what went wrong in your marriage. Mourn the death of your marriage.  That is one pain you cannot run from.
Not to mention I didn’t know how to be alone.  This time it is different, I mourned the death of my marriage and am enjoying this time to get to know me.

If there are any newly single people out there after a divorce, separation, I challenge you to stay single for 6 months at least.

I know there are some hot mama’s out there that are thinking no way, YES WAY! What have you got to lose. Maybe you will learn something about yourself.

The key though is not to see this as a punishment but a period to heal lovingly. A time to learn to sit with yourself.



 

What this is about is learning to be o.k. and at peace with yourself.  It is hard at first but you will get to the point where you will look forward to spending time with yourself.  We are amazing people, just so many of us have never peeled the layers to really get to know our true self.
Namaste

WILL YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A STRANGER TO ME?

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I can remember being in so much pain, I can remember seeing no end to the pain. I would think, ok let today be a day I don’t think of you….shit! I didn’t even last a half hour. The tears in the pillows, the breaking down at work and pretending that everything is ok. Songs would come on the radio and I would have to change them because I would think of you. Everything reminded me of you. They say throw everything away that reminds me of you so I did. I even gave away the diamond necklace you gave me. It will be fine they say, time heals all they say…

They say! They say! They all have something to say but nobody can tell me anything to take the pain away! What will become of me? What will I do with a life without you?

Time went by and I forced one foot in front of the other and continued to live my life through my pain and then today I turned on the radio and this song came on, the words flooded my car…”Now you’re just some stranger that I used to know…”

I remember I couldn’t listen to this song because I thought this could never be me, but it was now. Gee when was the last time I thought of you? A long time. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Wow, you know what, no disrespect, but my heart isn’t breaking anymore. Gee, now you really are just a person I used to know…. Someone that doesn’t cause me pain anymore…I like that!

I have inserted the music video for your listening pleasure…I love this song now!!!!

 

BECOMING FRIENDS WITH MY EX AGAIN

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What does it mean that I miss you

I don’t want you back

I don’t want you as mine

 

But I miss you to talk to

And the exchange of our words

 

A funny thing happened

So I picked up the phone

 

Then I remembered I hated you

And put down the phone

 

You moved on and I was bitter

But not because it should be me

 

Why am I bitter then

This is just a whole mess

 

So I picked up the phone

Till I heard you answer hello

I said I miss you my friend

Why can’t we be friends

 

All along he was thinking

The same thing as me

 

We chatted for quite a bit

About this and a little of that

 

I laughed and I listened

Not to my husband or my love

but the father of my kids

 

Just as it was promised

If I forgave and prayed

My heart would be free

And so it is and so it is…

 

Freedom from anger

Freedom from pain

 

Now free to be friends

What a gift to my children!

LEARNING TO SLEEP ALONE

LEARNING TO SLEEP ALONE

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One of the hardest parts of learning to be alone was not having a body next to mine.  Don’t get me wrong, there for a long time my husband and I were sleeping in the same bed and accidentally our feet would touch and it was like Kryptonite.  I would recoil like it burned like acid.  No, I didn’t want him, but I was craving human contact so I think I was subconsciously doing it in my sleep because I longed for that.

When I finally got my bed here in my apartment I would scoot all the way next to the wall and keep my body next to it all night.  It was that feeling of having something next to me.  See I grew up in a large family and there were so many kids we slept sideways on a full bed so we could all slept together.  There were so many nights my sister Oli and I would go together holding each other tight.  I am a very affectionate person. The human touch is something I miss.  When I see people I am a hugger.

Nights were hard for me.  I longed for a body next to me.  I longed for someone to hold.  I started joking I needed a teddy bear.  Well guess what, for Christmas my daughter got me the biggest fluffiest sweetest looking teddy bear.  You should have heard me squeal..  Let us remind us that I am a 48-year-old woman, not 4!  He had a big red bow and black button eyes and so so huggeable!  And yes that is what I did as the kids opened their gifts I sat there hugging it.

The oddest thing happened that night.  I had to spend Christmas alone that night, sad huh?  I should have tears in my pillows right?  WRONG!!!  I jumped in my Sponge Bog Jammies with footsies and turned on my heater and plopped in bed with my Ted and hugged him tight.  Is this why children cry for their teddy bears, oh my God I was so comforted!  Did I look like a weirdo, of course I did!!  But the rewards and the sense of peace I felt were astonishing.  I fell right to sleep.

I showed the FaceBook world my favorite gift and asked everyone to help me name him.  What a response, but we came up with “Ted”.  Wow that is a no brainer!  He became popular among my friend.

I posted a picture of my Ted on the Toilet with a magazine on its lap and put a caption, “My damn roommate is getting on my last nerve, he needs to learn to close the door when he does his business!”

Everyone thought it was funny except for one male and he said that this was weird and enough of being single I needed a man.

What this person doesn’t realize this was a done out of humor, I am an eccentric playful person.  If I have to hug a teddy bear while I heal and work on my defects of character and work on myself so that I don’t rush into another relationship that ends up not working out again then that is what needs to happen.  I am in the process of working on self-love and having a man, just hurrying up and getting a man because really I have not found one that I felt a connection with. So to me I would be settling.  Catalina needs to learn to limp before she can walk and learn to walk before she can run.  So my Ted is like a prosthetic just for comfort.  No I am not dry humping it at night, no I am not making out with it and telling it to tell me to love me.  IT IS FOR COMFORT ONLY !!!!

You know I have to give it to myself, there is a big part of me that doesn’t care what other people think, I have an inner child that I let out that helps me be playful and that brings out my happiness, thus having jammies with footsies and teddy bears!  You know I account much of my healing on having the healthiest inner child out of anyone I know.  I have no shame and will do a cart-wheel in a mall, climb a tree, I love blowing bubbles, dressing up like a cheerleader and going to work.  My coworkers think I am crazy but love my spirit.  I see it as my inner child that loves to come out and play play play! Go ahead dare me to do anything, you won’t even have to double dog dare me, I will do it anyways!

What prompted me to write this was I was watching an episode of Leave it to Beaver and Ward Clever tells the boys, “You are never too old to do goofy stuff.”  What a concept.  I loved that.  True happiness is allowing your inner child out to play and I am blessed, in fact I have to tell my inner child, “Alright already get back in, I gotta get some work done already!”

So no I don’t need to kick Ted in the trash and hook up with some dude and burn my Sponge Bob jammies and start wearing kinky lingerie, I am not rushing anything, and I am perfectly normal!

Gee look at the time….Where is Ted,  ahhh just where I left him…in bed waiting for me.  Sweet dreams…

 

LEARNING TO EAT ALONE

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Learning to Eat Alone

I was extra hungry tonight. What a crazy day, it was so crazy I missed lunch, for me that is CRAZY because me missing a meal? Yeah right. Nobody is going to believe that.

I grew up in a big Latin family and cooking is in my blood and it was always a feast. If someone stopped by, sit your butt down you are going to eat and walk out stuffed but always satisfied. Cooking is an emotional thing for me, it is done with love for those you love. Nobody should ever feel hunger. I cook with my heart. That was the one thing when my husband and I separated, he told my kids that without my cooking the house did not seem like a home anymore. That’s right, mama in the kitchen does give a sense of home doesn’t it.

Well now I live by myself. Now what! Am I really going to chop and dice and braise and sauté and fry and roast and steam and and….well you get my drift. Then there is the shopping, the putting things away, the dishes. For just me? NOT! Why go through all that trouble for just me? If my kids come over, that is a different story, but not just for myself.
I started having a bowl of cereal, it was quick and low calorie. There were no dishes, it was inexpensive and helped me keep my girlish figure. Breakfast became PB&J’s and I ate lunch at work. I became a creature of habit.

Well tonight I did something I never did, I LOOKED IN THE FREEZER! I found some beautiful salmon and some red potatoes, green beans and fixings for a salad. I prepared myself a wonderful dinner and DAMN it was good. I realized that this was the first time I made myself dinner for myself since I separated from my husband.

No I refuse to get in the habit of making myself dinner. I am sticking to my cereal and PB& J’s. Today was a treat and maybe I will treat myself every now and then but like I said it saves me money, a mess and time. But I just thought I would share, what a trip…

Then came the realization that you were always taught that there is meal time at the family table.  Shut off the television, gather the children, ask the them how their day went.  This is fundamental.  Well, do I put my teddy bear at the chair and put a plate in front of him and make talk to him.  Maybe I could skype and talk to someone as I eat.  Instead I have two t.v. trays, one for my laptop, one holds my food  and my fav shows are on television. Breakfast with Maury at 3 am and Fox News 4-5.  Rush home do some quick chores and pour put the cereal in the bowl but don’t add the milk and ice cubes until Big Bang Theory starts.  Oh how I love Sheldon…Are you out there Sheldon?  I love you..Please marry me.  I know you are gay, I promise I will be gentle!!

But I will tell you something, what a great feeling to not have to wonder every day after work, gee what do I make for dinner, or darn I need to stop at the market. I don’t need to rush home to prepare dinner either if I don’t want to. I get to go home if I want to and just curl up on the couch and grab my cereal and watch tv and not do anything if I don’t wanna, but if I do wanna extra treat like tonight, then I am going to cook me something. It will be my choice and my choice only. If I don’t wanna…then I’m not!

So as I sit here having breakfast with Maury, I look count the hours till Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and I shall have dinner together tonight…ohhhh I can hardly wait!!!

Ladies let me assure you, this is not every night.  I go to good ol’ mama’s for dinner, I meet up with friends for dinner, I invite my kids over for dinner where I cook up a storm or I meet my kids for dinner.  So fear not, I am not turning into a crazy hermit, this is about finding peace with the most important person you will spend time with…yourself.  Bon Apetit!!!